This One Renders My Previous Post Meaningless

Happy 2012 readers. I don't know about you but this year has been unreal, magical, incredibly testing and unbelievable. You see, 'he' proposed on New Years Eve. And I felt a calm wash over me after years of loneliness and running....just a calm, not what I thought. I had imagined I'd jump for joy, scream, my heart would explode, I'd get a million butterflies, but the feeling that did wipe over me was the best one: a trusting, content calm. Of course, there was still a lot of wok to be done, convincing his family amicably, proposing to my family...and all of this was one of the most nerve wrecking experiences I've ever experienced. But cutting out the gruesome details, our families couldn't be happier with the match. And let me tell you, for us South Asians and Middle Easterns with the whole wedding process, the true test of a relationship is getting through the proposal, the acceptance, and the various ceremonies, and we were tried. But he has been unbelievably strong and supportive.

Looking back, I can say that he never lied to me or led me on until he had thought things through and seen that he could make me happy. I've asked him a couple of times to apologize for breaking my heart but he says that even though he promises (and so far has been delivering on it) he would do everything in his power to keep me happy, he cannot apologize for me having my heart broken when he was clear about  no commitment from him at the time. He loves me and I love him back. The road is long as I have some studying to do before we can tie the knot and lots of customs to follow but until then, we'll date the Pakistani way.

I couldnt be more sure of the man of my life, and I couldn't be more proud that it's him. In the end, no matter how far I wanted to be from my roots, this man has found the exact balance I was striving for my whole life. He's so good to my family and his family has been so good to me. Can't wait till next year to start a life with him.

I'm this close to my happy ending.

Sincerely,

My Relationship

What do you think about when you think about a relationship? An actual relationship involving two people? In my country it's mostly short-lived, involves talking for countless hours over the phone, texting, sexting, going on a drive and maybe getting a sneak kiss. It rarely goes farther than the first two 'bases'*. And if it does, it stops short of actual intercourse. And if there's intercourse, it's probably a few times. Being in a relationship in my home country does not and cannot involve actually spending real physical time with someone. It does not involve really getting to know someone and it certainly doesn't involve being yourself one hundred percent. There are too many influences and too many pressures from society, family, your own 'morals', everything. 

This is why I wouldn't count my teenage romances as anything more than fake romances. Sure, at the time, all the feelings were real, and quite intense (thankfully that has decreased and logic has increased), but who was a kidding? 'Mommy I'm going to die if you don't le me be with him!'. Seriously girl, seriously. After a few weeks of late night phone conversations I'd think he's the one. 

But having grown out of that and grown into a woman in her (early) mid-twenties, with lots of exposure, life and travel experience and finally having the chance to truly be myself where I am, I got a chance to meet someone and be in a relationship with that someone. And I'm writing this post because I feel like talking about him and having a post to look back to. I got home from work a while a ago. It's starting to get chilly and I'm bunched up in my perfectly bunched bed, finally happy to have the time and be in the mood to write about him. And as stories often go, I met him when I least expected it. I was out with a friend and her husband and a conversation started about how it's so hard for me to find my kind of guy in this city of millions. Her husband was quite drunk at this point and had a 'brilliant' idea - he had a friend, an acquaintance more like, who fit the criteria. I really wasn't expecting this and while he dialed his number to call this guy, I told him it's absolutely necessary that he be athletically fit as I like to keep fit (right). After much persuasion the guy decided to join us. I downed a bottle of wine or two to 'get the edge off' that I kept insisting wasn't there. The first thing I remember when I saw him as he came out of the taxi was not much except that 'He's tall'. That made me happy. The night was spent controlling, watching, amusing ourselves with the antics of my friend's drunk husband. He mentioned he'd give me a call. 

He didn't. Two weeks later, I gave him a call. He was too embarassed to call after his friend's drunken behaviour that night (right). I wasn't expecting much honestly, and I did half expect him to be an asshole. But he turned out not to be. I was the first one to make a move on him and boy did I make a move. He wasn't expecting it so I retreated and went back to being friends, going over to his for dinner and a movie and sleeping (actual sleeping). He's quite a smoker but I ignored it while my health took a turn for the bad again. I had to fly out for a few weeks and that is when things became ore intense. While abroad, I only thought of him, and within a week I felt like a 13 year old in love and certain that 'he was the one'. It didn't help that I was back in my home country and that I was more or less completely acting like the girl I had grown out of. What really didn't help is that while I wrote a blog post (that I never posted thank goodness) about having met the one, I got a drunken phone call from him confessing that he felt exactly as I did. And of course I spent the rest of the trip in utter misery hoping to be reunited with him. When I came back to the city, I went to his place first. I remember wearing a red summer dress when I went over. He had cooked for me. I spent a lot of time at his in the coming weeks but we always kept a distance - for about a month or so. 

The road was bumpy for us for a few months, with highs and lows, disappointment (tears and heartache) and unexpected joys but as we became familiar with each other and I, with being with a man so utterly and completely, we also realized a future isn't for us. It took all that leveling out to reach the point we are at now. We are together but not together. And, even though I care about him so much and I have never met a nice person like him, someone who I could live my life with, there are too many 'Caution' signs. Practically it wouldn't work. Being together, involving families, creating a family wouldn't work. Here and now works. Familiarity and a feeling of security in friendship works. He there even when he isn't. This will have to end soon, but while this isn't the country where I want to meet someone or settle, I am happy with him. 

Is there such a thing as 'I love you but..'? Because that is how it is, for both of us. I really want to say it, but the 'but' is unfortunately a part of it. 

Sincerely,

Happy

Love, hugs and kisses,

My Mistakes

This is the 100th post on this blog. It's been an aid to me in difficult times and I come back over and over.

I have a bad habit of seeing the glass half empty. But what if seeing it half empty means a dead-end to life? That is the choice I have to make, that is why I am choosing to see the glass half full. I still have a chance to be healthy again.

You see, I always considered myself and felt like a bird in a cage. I am still quite scared of being in a cage again. I am going to be quarter of a century old and yet the thought of the cage petrifies me. I'm sitting at home in Pakistan these days, in the same room I saw myself trapped in forever, suffocating. This is why I cannot help the phantom feeling.

I didn't quite leave the cage when I went to university in the United States. Freedom was an unfamiliar feeling and I lived in a cage of my own making. I was a little reclusive, a little shy. I would'nt take big steps, I'd take small calculated ones. The first time I truly felt free was in China. And I revelled in it.

I didn't just take big steps, I ran and didn't care for traffic. I felt invincible. I abused my mind, my body, my heart. Little did I know, I didn't have the capacity or energy to maintain the destructive lifestyle as I had started living. I partied, I drank, I worked two jobs, I forgot to eat and I forgot to sleep. If I got sick I went for the cheapest quick fix I could find. I abused my heart. I gave it nothing, I fostered nothing meaningful just destruction.

And now, since the past few months I'm bearing the consequences. I hope to God that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that even after a few fairly serious warnings that I did not pay heed to, He can now help me. Because I've finally realized that I want a toned-down normal life. I don't have to be the life of the party, I can slow down. I want love, and cuddling and hugs - things I never cared for before. I want to foster meaningful relationships and friendships - I won't be the girl about town but I'll have a few I cherish.

And there is no longer a cage, except of my own making. I need to stop living like a mad partier who's going to be thrown in  cage any minute and needs to live it up while she can.

Oddly enough, I feel like I want babies. But I suppose I must first find the right guy. I have a strong inkling babies are my only hope.

Sincerely,