One day, Paris

My Relationship

2011-11-23T10:08:00.001-05:00

What do you think about when you think about a relationship? An actual relationship involving two people? In my country it's mostly short-lived, involves talking for countless hours over the phone, texting, sexting, going on a drive and maybe getting a sneak kiss. It rarely goes farther than the first two 'bases'*. And if it does, it stops short of actual intercourse. And if there's intercourse, it's probably a few times. Being in a relationship in my home country does not and cannot involve actually spending real physical time with someone. It does not involve really getting to know someone and it certainly doesn't involve being yourself one hundred percent. There are too many influences and too many pressures from society, family, your own 'morals', everything.

This is why I wouldn't count my teenage romances as anything more than fake romances. Sure, at the time, all the feelings were real, and quite intense (thankfully that has decreased and logic has increased), but who was a kidding? 'Mommy I'm going to die if you don't le me be with him!'. Seriously girl, seriously. After a few weeks of late night phone conversations I'd think he's the one.

But having grown out of that and grown into a woman in her (early) mid-twenties, with lots of exposure, life and travel experience and finally having the chance to truly be myself where I am, I got a chance to meet someone and be in a relationship with that someone. And I'm writing this post because I feel like talking about him and having a post to look back to. I got home from work a while a ago. It's starting to get chilly and I'm bunched up in my perfectly bunched bed, finally happy to have the time and be in the mood to write about him. And as stories often go, I met him when I least expected it. I was out with a friend and her husband and a conversation started about how it's so hard for me to find my kind of guy in this city of millions. Her husband was quite drunk at this point and had a 'brilliant' idea - he had a friend, an acquaintance more like, who fit the criteria. I really wasn't expecting this and while he dialed his number to call this guy, I told him it's absolutely necessary that he be athletically fit as I like to keep fit (right). After much persuasion the guy decided to join us. I downed a bottle of wine or two to 'get the edge off' that I kept insisting wasn't there. The first thing I remember when I saw him as he came out of the taxi was not much except that 'He's tall'. That made me happy. The night was spent controlling, watching, amusing ourselves with the antics of my friend's drunk husband. He mentioned he'd give me a call.

He didn't. Two weeks later, I gave him a call. He was too embarassed to call after his friend's drunken behaviour that night (right). I wasn't expecting much honestly, and I did half expect him to be an asshole. But he turned out not to be. I was the first one to make a move on him and boy did I make a move. He wasn't expecting it so I retreated and went back to being friends, going over to his for dinner and a movie and sleeping (actual sleeping). He's quite a smoker but I ignored it while my health took a turn for the bad again. I had to fly out for a few weeks and that is when things became ore intense. While abroad, I only thought of him, and within a week I felt like a 13 year old in love and certain that 'he was the one'. It didn't help that I was back in my home country and that I was more or less completely acting like the girl I had grown out of. What really didn't help is that while I wrote a blog post (that I never posted thank goodness) about having met the one, I got a drunken phone call from him confessing that he felt exactly as I did. And of course I spent the rest of the trip in utter misery hoping to be reunited with him. When I came back to the city, I went to his place first. I remember wearing a red summer dress when I went over. He had cooked for me. I spent a lot of time at his in the coming weeks but we always kept a distance - for about a month or so.

The road was bumpy for us for a few months, with highs and lows, disappointment (tears and heartache) and unexpected joys but as we became familiar with each other and I, with being with a man so utterly and completely, we also realized a future isn't for us. It took all that leveling out to reach the point we are at now. We are together but not together. And, even though I care about him so much and I have never met a nice person like him, someone who I could live my life with, there are too many 'Caution' signs. Practically it wouldn't work. Being together, involving families, creating a family wouldn't work. Here and now works. Familiarity and a feeling of security in friendship works. He there even when he isn't. This will have to end soon, but while this isn't the country where I want to meet someone or settle, I am happy with him.

Is there such a thing as 'I love you but..'? Because that is how it is, for both of us. I really want to say it, but the 'but' is unfortunately a part of it.

Sincerely,

Happy

2011-11-22T06:03:00.000-05:00

Love, hugs and kisses,

My Mistakes

2011-08-06T07:08:00.000-04:00

This is the 100th post on this blog. It's been an aid to me in difficult times and I come back over and over.

I have a bad habit of seeing the glass half empty. But what if seeing it half empty means a dead-end to life? That is the choice I have to make, that is why I am choosing to see the glass half full. I still have a chance to be healthy again.

You see, I always considered myself and felt like a bird in a cage. I am still quite scared of being in a cage again. I am going to be quarter of a century old and yet the thought of the cage petrifies me. I'm sitting at home in Pakistan these days, in the same room I saw myself trapped in forever, suffocating. This is why I cannot help the phantom feeling.

I didn't quite leave the cage when I went to university in the United States. Freedom was an unfamiliar feeling and I lived in a cage of my own making. I was a little reclusive, a little shy. I would'nt take big steps, I'd take small calculated ones. The first time I truly felt free was in China. And I revelled in it.

I didn't just take big steps, I ran and didn't care for traffic. I felt invincible. I abused my mind, my body, my heart. Little did I know, I didn't have the capacity or energy to maintain the destructive lifestyle as I had started living. I partied, I drank, I worked two jobs, I forgot to eat and I forgot to sleep. If I got sick I went for the cheapest quick fix I could find. I abused my heart. I gave it nothing, I fostered nothing meaningful just destruction.

And now, since the past few months I'm bearing the consequences. I hope to God that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that even after a few fairly serious warnings that I did not pay heed to, He can now help me. Because I've finally realized that I want a toned-down normal life. I don't have to be the life of the party, I can slow down. I want love, and cuddling and hugs - things I never cared for before. I want to foster meaningful relationships and friendships - I won't be the girl about town but I'll have a few I cherish.

And there is no longer a cage, except of my own making. I need to stop living like a mad partier who's going to be thrown in cage any minute and needs to live it up while she can.

Oddly enough, I feel like I want babies. But I suppose I must first find the right guy. I have a strong inkling babies are my only hope.

Sincerely,

Hollywood Tonight

2011-05-29T12:02:00.001-04:00

"Hollywood Tonight - Michael Jackson" - I love this song. Oddly enough, I've always needed music to motivate me. And this song is my motivation for the next two months. You see, I have two months to find a job, or I go back to...the United States. The US is arguably the land of the free but not for me. My culture, my family, my relatives are all there - it's like being in Pakistan but worse, I don't know how to bend the rules as I did in Pakistan.

Looking for a job is a full-time job in itself. It requires commitment, analysis, strict follow-up and time management skills. I'm better handling the stress of the possibility of things not working out my way than I was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I had become a nervous wreck, running to the bathroom during class to cry - not performing at work, simply not performing. The loser vibe in fact was so strong that complete strangers were beginning to snub me on forced nights out. Its not like I looked any different, but the hopeless desperation was reeking off of me. But no, today is 30 May, I have exactly two months to find something, anything in China's most populated city, it's business capital. There HAS to be something out there for me. I just have to find it.

Game on,

Pink Loves Her Freedom

Bigger Than My Body

2011-05-08T10:52:00.001-04:00

It was yesterday when I lay in bed drowsy and content. I'm more than drowsy right now, on the tempting edge of sleep but I really felt like writing. It seems I'm back to this precious journal of mine, needing to chronicle, organize and release my thoughts. I am happy. I lay in bed and I look around at a wonderful room with a closet full of clothes I've always wished for, and an unchaotic nonorganization of only things I love. Even though I am a nomad in the Orient, I have managed, whilst keeping it to a minumum, to acquire all things I want. If I look at the progression of rooms I have occupied in the past three years, I see a steady progression of my transition into a more mature person.

In so many way I am still so young but in so many ways I have mature. I don't think that I believe in the either/or of mature and immature. There are so many facets to personality and so many situations in life worth layers and layers with a person having gained maturity in one facet more than another. I may be mature in terms of emotional struggle and the understanding of human strife to be free and true to themselves, but in so many ways I am still learning. I can say one thing with complete surety - I am more often than not, not handed things. I have to fight for them. My MBA, my choice to remain single thusfar (i.e. not be married off), my choice to leave the US and come to the Orient to develop my career and myself here with all influences of my past limited to memories and phone calls. It's a struggle every day to be here. Especially these days.

It is imperative that I continue to be free. Even though I have left the nest, I have yet to find my wings, to truly self-sustain myself and be independent. And to attain this is imperative. It's Sunday night and next week brings with it a roller coaster ride of work, classes (after one year of working) and bone cracking job interviews, and with all this, the importance of keeping up socially with friends and acquaintances in a city that truly never sleeps. I'm a little worried that when tomorrow comes, time may fly out of my hands. I know I am strong and in every tough trial, I always surprise myself with my on emotional strength, but I am a person with so much emotional baggage, baggage I have to deal with sometimes.

I think what's important is to always reflect, find time to rest and sleep above all else and foster real friendships. And so even though tomorrow and the rest of the week are overwhelming me, I'll hold strong, I'll be fine. I finally had my first beach vacation, I think I mentioned wanting one and I've dreamed and fantasized about it for a long time. The thought of such a vacation would get me through when I was rationing my food and working a day and night job to make ends meet a few months ago. It was everything I imagined and even more; it deserves it's own post though, so I'll stop now :)

Bonne nuit,

To Feel The Rain

2011-05-07T13:44:00.004-04:00

It really is a blessing to feel the rain, to feel it for what it is - a blessing, and not just something icky that makes you wet. I was quite tempted to buy a rain maker in one of the Asian Pacific countries I had the pleasure of visiting. Too bad it was too big. A well-deserved vacation. Even though it put a dent in my pocket...I have no regrets, only the happiest memories, and God knows I need good memories.

Right now, I lay in bed, drowsy and content. I have good friends and even though change and struggle are constant, I get to be myself. It is one of the greatest gifts in life. And lately I have discovered, as many people eventually do that I don't know myself. This is not a negative statement but a liberating one. It liberates my soul to be as it wants to be, to mold itself a certain shape and unmold to become another shape as it pleases. I am in constant development, and I suspect that unless I go very wrong in some way, I will be in constant development to my dying day. I learn so much every day. I make a conscious effort to improve myself.

I have chosen a path, a path of liberation from what was set out for me. But I have an exit strategy where I can leave and go back to what can still be. But today I continue to want the path I have chosen: a path of pure self-discovery, struggle and independence. Going back today would mean giving up. Sometimes I wish I was ignorant and hadn't wanted so much in life...I'd be in Pakistan, married with children - safe. Ignorance really is bliss. But I am not, and I am, if nothing else, able to say my life was interesting. Maybe there are people back home who envy my life as I once envied lives of others. I wonder.

And even though the struggle is not over, today I am healthy and happy. I have friends and I believe in opening my heart. It is after all, the only way to feel the rain.

Sincerely,

The Times, The Times

2010-11-29T08:01:00.000-05:00

Seems I make it a point only to blog a few times a year. I don't have access to Blogger in the Orient and somehow even when I do, my life is so radically liberated that I can't even begin to jot it down, which is why I'm writing while on a trip to the Americas. I had the chance to catch up with some good friends I made in the Orient who moved back to the US a few months ago - they share the same story, they pine to be back in Shanghai, the unreal and alter dimension. And it really is. Only someone who's lived there can understand. It's a whole other world. It functions and yet responsibility does not seem like responsibility, it's like being on a high-speed train on another planet, constant partying, even if you aren't.

When I arrived impromptu to the US, the change was unsettling. I knew it would be a whole other world, but to experience it was worse. The moment I entered the airport, I felt I was moved back into time, 10 to 20 years ago and into a black and white movie. The States is so behind! I cannot believe that being from a 3rd world country, the US an example of diversity and high-technology, I no longer find it so. The US is so behind. Multicultural it may be, but I do not see the cultures mix. There are 'groups', as I saw when I went out to the mall this weekend. A group of oriental kids, a group of subcontinental kids, then there were the FOBs who do not mix with the ABCs and ABCDs. It was quite diverse and segregated. The people are quite big. While I've dropped two dress sizes and still consider myself over weight, not fat, but not my ideal slim weight, the Americans are quite big. It's unfortunate because it's self-inflicted. I am a US size 4 now, but a AUS 10 or UK 10. Somehow being a US size 4 isn't a big deal, it's average international weight, not slim. And I eat so many carbs! I'm not in LA or NY, but I am in a big city. Disappointing. But I'll have to accept it when I come back next year. And I will. I hope to live somewhere on the West Coast or in a major city. Haha, the ideal is hard to ask for, hell, a job is hard to ask for these days, but it would be amazing if I got to travel to the East.

Shanghai, China is mind-blowing. It is incredibly metropolitan and cosmopolitan. While NY is a 'melted pot', Shanghai is melting. It is one of the greatest and most fortunate experiences of my life, to have the opportunity to live here. Mind you, it hasn't been a party. I've been working two jobs to make ends meet. I got out of Chinese Independence Week with a bleeding bank account - no regrets - best time of my life. I have moved from one internship to an even better one. I teach Chinese kids part time for 20 USD an hour (not bad). I sometimes don't even have a day off and come home only to crash in bed. I have had a hard time with visas and thus this very expensive visa run, but I am very happy with my decision to come to China. I have met fabulous people here. I have made true friends here. I have had 'real' fun here. My resume has improved so very much in the past six months - it's finally something I can be proud of. I look forward to being a student again soon and perhaps earn myself a small beach vacation. Perhaps.

I've come so very far, and it's only the beginning.

Matters Of Life And Love, From China

2010-08-27T04:51:00.001-04:00

I’m in China. I’ve been in Shanghai for about two months now. And it’s more than my dreams come true. This is the time of my life. To think that when I started writing this blog, I couldn’t imagine, sitting in my Aunt’s house that fateful December (or was it January?) morning that life would happen to me. That I would get to do things, get to experience places beyond my imagination.

China! I’ve been good, I’ve been bad. And I am exactly who I want to be – free to experiment and choose my path. I’m interning here, taking some time off from university. It has been a fight just to be here. My country isn’t exactly the ideal to be from when asking to reside temporarily in another country. But I’m doing it: perseverance, not taking ’no’ for an answer, dying within myself, I’m doing it to be here. Because this is where I want to be. My internship itself is a nightmare. It seems the field I’ve been dreaming about is the hardest to survive in; and honestly, it has more than often been just about making it through the day. No wonder it has the highest industry turnover. If you last a year or two, you’re in it for good, if not then you have kick-ass experience to show. The first two months have been incredibly difficult and I feel I have to fight my personality to do things the correct way. I’m planning on giving it two more months and then switching to a second internship in a different field, most likely more my personality-type.

But China has been good for me. It blows my mind, the cultures I am exposed to. It’s every ingredient you can imagine, all stewed in a melting Chinese hot pot. More than anything it’s the people. If there are expats in China, then there is something incredible about them, to choose to get out of their comfort zone and come here. Everyone is passionate about being here, about making it – most have made it and are living the dream. I meet amazing people. I live with amazing people. I am inspired by all that is around me, from fashion to the feeling of safety in such a huge cosmopolitan, China blows my mind. In all the stress, confusion and panic that I suffered pre and post arrival in China, I found the most amazing place to live in. It’s reasonable, beautiful and I get three amazing flat mates and their friends. For the longest while, when I arrived, I tried to hang on to people from the US now situated in China, not realizing that the smartest, fun-loving people, my family away from family, are right here, in my own home.

I’ve been bad and I’ve loved it. I doubt I’ll be like this in my home country, or want to be, even in my university’s country. But China is a place where I can experiment and just be. I haven’t pretended in so long. I have just been me: a healthy following of heart and mind. I’ve worn cute dresses I’ve always wanted to wear, shorts and skirts. I’ve always been reserved in my clothing and even now I wouldn’t say I’m over the top, but I’m wearing everything I’ve always wanted to wear. And I love it! I party, I’ve had alcohol. Even though I doubt I’ll make a habit of it, I have been drunk and I have been hung over. I know that there are some readers of my blog who would ‘disapprove’ just based on my religion – I don’t care. I know right and wrong, and for a while I choose to pick the wrong. I’ve dated. Actually dated. Gone for dinner, gone to the museum, gone for drinks. It’s been good and I have learned so much from my one time stint. Even though it didn’t last too long, it taught me a considerable amount about what I want. This and something else…

I met someone when I least expected it. We’ve exchanged a couple of emails and spent a Saturday together – as friends. As comrades – haha, of what, I don’t know. But he’s nice. He seems to have a good heart. My heart instantly warmed to him, even my friend agrees, he has this aura of comfort. Being from the same home country, I had a million reservations about him but it seems he has an open mind. He was brought up in a very open environment. And we had so much to talk about. And what’s more, I did not hide who I was from him. I honestly don’t know where this will go and I can’t dare to wonder if he feels so/as strongly about our one long meeting. But I know he makes me smile, his presence comforts me and I hope Allah means to bring me happiness. I look forward to hanging out with him, just talking and just listening – no judgment. It feels so good to have my own to talk to. In all the time that I have been away from my home country, I have looked for a sense of comfort with someone, anyone – and as it was with the boy I dated prior to meeting this person, I feel I have to explain myself, my story from the start and then deal with reactions or just having to go through it again just so we can be on the same page. And well, not entirely end up on the same page. With this person, I didn’t have to explain anything. We were already on the same page. We are on the same page. It’s the first time I’m feeling this way. Just knowing that there are people like him out there makes me hopeful. I hope that this is something good for me, something I couldn’t think of in my dreams. For now, I just know that he makes me smile. Knowing him in this exotic land makes me feel safe and his presence makes me feel comfortable.

I love my mom for supporting me fully in my venture to China and more. In a conversation with her I told her I often think about who I’ll end up with. Will he be from my country? Will he be someone completely else? What are the implications? What can I handle? And she said to me that the goal is to be happy, my happiness is what matters – and just thinking about how she said that so genuinely, brings tears of emotion to my eyes. It is about my happiness. I’m doing what I’m doing to find my peace. She sees that. She reminds me of my goal of contentment.

I hope I stay in China for a while. There is so much to see through. Opportunities to avail, dreams to chase, to become someone.

I’m living the dream my loves, but know that it is not an easy task. So glad to be here. So glad to have this blog.

A Loss For Words

2010-05-11T21:21:00.003-04:00

I'm at a loss for words. It seems my posts from months ago - beautifully written - belong to someone else. I no longer am able to write with such depth. I've been swimming on the surface far too long; I've forgotten to go into the depth of things, of life.

It's mid-May 2010 and I was reading my post from June last year. Predeparture Ponderings, it's called. After a year away from my family with weekend visits off and on, I have been staying at their place for the past few weeks. I've been living with my mother for the past few weeks. And while the tension was building since the last few days, today it boiled away. My forever falling apart family, how I despise it and how I am constantly tormented by their pain. This past one year, life has been real - I have seen obstacles and hardships, but everything seems a walk in the park compared to my family and it's history. I haven't felt mental and psychological pain that overflows into physical, in months. But today I feel it. My mother is in constant anguish all the time, even when things are ok. She likes to relive the past over and over again and she likes to talk about it. Today I gave her the shutup call, for my sanity and hers. And God, was that the start of all things pain. Therefore, I am forced to delve into depths again, and ponder.

My post, Predeparture Ponderings, could not be more perfect to look back to right now. I love the term I used to describe my family: my forever falling apart family. It rings true today and will for a long time..maybe forever. I have worried about getting through in that post and the internship I want so badly. I want to go back to the time when I wrote that and tell myself - it's ok, you made it, you grew so much, you worked so, so hard and you got the internship of your wildest dreams. I have made it.

The journey is not even close to complete. I am still not on my own feet. But I'm heading down the right direction. And I trust and have faith in God that I will make it. True, at this very moment I see darkness, but there is always light. I just have to get through the next few weeks. I just have to continue to discover myself, to become who I should always have been, and if it requires being on a whole other continent, away from those who suppress 'me', then so be it. I feel weak but I am stronger than I know, that I promise myself.

Still going,

Letter To The Man I Love

2010-04-16T22:39:00.002-04:00

Dearest Love,

I've always held a strong belief that you're out there. Since I was a little girl I've had an image of you in my mind. As I grew up and life and it's tribulations matured me, I saw that you had flaws. We all have flaws. You existed in my mind - you were there, but not close enough to grasp. When I tried to make out your features, your smile, you became a blur. You were smoke, you are smoke. But somewhere out there you're real, you breathe, eat and sleep. You're the love of my life.

This is why I have never let anyone hold me. This is why I have not laid my head on anyone's shoulders and closed my eyes with contentment and relief. I can only imagine how that feels. I put up a brave face for the world and for myself. I got everything I wanted. I did not want a mediocre life in Pakistan, because somehow I couldn't manage to be the girl they wanted me to be. I flew to the West and this in itself is God's miracle - to be given all this. All the hardship I endured to get here was worth it. It is worth it. I have found myself and developed and yet I am lost. I have a game plan. I will study and make a life for myself and hope for the best. But sometimes life becomes unbearable. I have so much to thank God for and yet at this time I am wounded and alone.

I hate when loneliness gets the best of me but I usually endure it as a part of life. I accept it as a human condition, as do you. I write to you because I'm scared. I'm scared for myself. Will you find me before something bad happens to me? Yesterday I found out that I may not have much to offer you. My health is in jeopardy. I don't know what else to say. I am at a crossroads. I can still be ok, but I need you at the end of the tunnel.

Please come soon. I sometimes feel my knees give in on me and just need to be held, if only for a while. Please.

Sincerely,
The Girl Who Loves You

Left My Heart In China

2010-03-17T02:46:00.002-04:00

That sounds incredibly corny - or not really - but it's derived from that song 'Left My Heart In Tokyo'. I'm currently nursing a sore throat gone horribly bad because of shenanigans in Shanghai. It's a ear, nose and throat infection and it's got me out of whack; the jet-lag's not helping either. The shenanigans were well worth it. I had the time of my life and being back in the US is terribly depressing. Seeing my family is depressing too.

I was me. For once I was me. I behaved like myself. I was the girl who always was inside my skin. I was not adjusting my behaviour according to norms and standards - there aren't any over there! That country has my attention. Not once did I think I'd fall for China. But it's that perfect mix of east and west I thought was too good to exist. I doubt it's infatuation as a result of a planned trip with friends from class. It wasn't them that I fell for. It was society. It was the congested traffic. It was the people, all sorts of people wearing all sorts of clothes - there was no norm. The night life was phenomenal and the expat community, even more.

It's true that I'm first to hold myself by my standards, as much as I hate them; but with that, here, in this state of the US I'm studying in, people held me by my standards and so I continued to conform, bursting along the seams. And out of the resulting inadequacies I indulged in anything that made me feel better about myself crossing limits I wouldn't. But in that country, nobody cares because it's such an international community, nobody holds you by standards - there aren't any. I broke out of my skin and it was phenomenal. I have a life to live. I want to do more. I want to achieve more. I want to go into international business development and right now China is my target.

I had the time of my life in China.

I Write (Well) Therefore I Am

2010-02-22T17:36:00.008-05:00

I'm a terribly confused and non-decisive soul. I am not joking. And also I am not forcing myself to write an entry: this entry is free flowing straight from where it used to come from. I realize it was easier for me to write prose before business school because I was not trained to be concise, succinct and restrained, I was very verbose and it benefiting my writing. But verbosity is a killer for report writing and analytical analyses. I had a hard time learning how to write to the point and clearly. I have a way of blurring my thoughts around the edges so that they seem not-too-concrete once communicated. I don't set things in stone. I am not a good decision maker, I am often left in decision - not an ideal quality for a business student.

Where in my english literature papers on Othello, Macbeth and Shakespeare's Sonnets and what not, I could go on and on, explaining the same point in different, prosaic ways. I wrote for the love of writing, for how beautifully sentences can be sown together with beautiful words, tragic words, in often surprisingly pleasant ways. I want to read the book, "Maps For Lost Lovers". I was once an avid reader, when books were my only escape, my places of peaceful solitude. I dreamed of having a library, or at least a corner with beautiful rich oak shelves and a comfy old sofa chair angled just where the sun could hit it at late noon through the window. Perfection. Khalil Gibran, Kamila Shamsie, Khaled Husseini, Vladimir Nabokov...I could go on. I found their words pure ecstasy. I am an average girl, almost legally-blonde if not careful...but it was these books, my love of reading that polished me enough to be where I am now, to get by as a reasonably smart girl. It hurts me greatly and perturbs me that I can't read anymore - it is not the question of time; I just cannot read. I attempted to listen to the audiobook of 'The Lovely Bones' only to desert it half-way. But that also may be because reading words in a book is far more personal and impressionable than listening or even reading an ebook. The digital realm does away with the essence of reading I believe. Which is why I will never be a Kindle person:this I say while realizing that once/if I resurrect my love for reading I might have to turn to the Kindle for the simple reason of the convenience of having all your books in one compact device and buying them cheaply and more conveniently on Amazon.

*Sigh* Interruptions. I'm reminiscing about my room and my books. I have no regrets leaving - it was a necessary step. And interestingly, most of my time was spent online, on 20somethings, this journal, Facebook, pictures and online bookshelves - I spend at least 5 hours of my day on the laptop, on a day when I have no assignments or research to do. I love my laptop. And I think the iPad was an unnecessary product to release - it may well burn a dent in Apple's pockets. My next laptop will be the Apple Air, assuming this will be working for additional functions.

Oh yay! They have "Maps For Lost Lovers" available at the school library. I'm going to attempt to borrow it and read it on my 17 hour trip to Asia since I can't sleep on planes. I feel I don't read books so avidly because I am out of the 'bad' situation - that I can no longer relate. But that's a rather silly excuse. I should take advantage of the school library - they have any and every book imaginable. I do, however, treasure each entry I have made on this blog, from the faithful snowy day up north - I remember it so vividly. I need to be doing a 5 page report on a Latin American company but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's the last assignment left and then I will have no assignments for 6 months! I really should put my heart into it, especially since I did a 'half-assed' job on the exam.

I'm very excited about my trip abroad. I haven't felt ready for it for a while but today, now that I have my suitcase out and I have half-packed and bought travel-size essentials I am excited. The boys are also responsible for the uplift in travel mood - they've promised me a good time and I feel that with that crazy but trustworthy bunch, I'll be just fine! I will get to travel like a true tourist, eat or at least video others eat exotic delicacies and go out and actually experience the real night life - actually party in an exotic country. This is such a contrast to my experience in another similar Asian country with my family - going to the parks and malls was the only thing we could do. I ached to tour the area, go into interesting looking streets, interact with locals and eat delicacies. It's a tragedy really, that my family cannot enjoy one another's company and yet they continue to try so hard - but what else can they do. I understand that. Where as I have this wonderful opportunity and future opportunities, they don't.

I went out and stayed out late with my roommate and her friend from way up north - it was a good time after a long time! The bar was great, the bartenders were on a roll - so glad we didn't stick to the usual. I met and talked to some alums and ran into classmates I havent seen in a while - it was a good time. Hanging with the girls was the best - I miss that. Their attitude further consolidated my decision to not live with the girls I was living with before. I really hope I make friends like them here. I get very upset and lonely often, not so much for friends but for that person who'll make it all better but I suppose that's everyone's dilemma. I really get upset though an it seeps into my rational decision making process for the day or night I am upset. That leads to going to any degree to feel less lonely - now THAT is something that needs to be controlled and handled. I say this with a rational and calm mind but it's difficult when I feel alone. Instant gratification of any sort is never gratifying.

Nonetheless, I want to be a little more frequent and detailed in my entries on this blog. I need to stop writing in a constipated fashion and just let the words flow as they used to. Because this is the time of my life - there is no room for forced writing on a blog I revealed my inner most thoughts and secrets on and found freedom in when there was hope for none. I love this blog.

Always,

Grateful

2010-02-20T17:10:00.004-05:00

I have business courses abroad, in an Asian country. I will be lame and unspecific. Hint: Google had a tiff there. LOL. Anyhoo, I checked myself for bipolarity. I was worried and since I have had a history of depression in the past I wanted to verify. No, I am not bipolar. I don't know if that's good news or bad. Atleast I'd have something to blame for my behaviour.

How many times do I have to tell myself that I'm free and that I'm living the life? Seems I forget. I wouldn't call my lifestyle a 'jetsetting' lifestyle but it's wayyyyyy better than my boring, brain-rotting, all I have are books to read and dream, restrained lifestyle. I'm an independent, young, beautiful, smart woman with a promising future. Why is it that I dress it, I exude it with confidence, I live it and I don't feel it? I got up yesterday, put on a pair of these kick-ass business pants I bought on a great deal, noticed that I'm getting into shape (been working it out at the gym), dawned a shirt and fond a great pair of flats that went perfectly with my outfit. I had lots to do. I had to go to the bank and get foreign currency for my immersion trip abroad next week, get some work done for the professor I'm assisting, marinate the steak I was making for dinner (hell yes, I'm becoming a good cook!), drop off my resume and cover letter to a consulting firm I'm interested in, meet my exercise consultant for good travel exercises and get some other small errands done before going out to meet a few classmates heading to another country. A little jampacked but THIS IS MY DREAM.

I have envisioned this for years, I NEED to write down to realize that I'm living it. That it takes more work than I am currently putting in to maintain it, BUT I have it. I'm living it and shouldn't let it slip! Ungrateful fool much?! I'm not ungrateful....not even close, I thank God every day I drive down to B-School and see Unversity City's skyline. I think God every day when I look at how professional and becoming the clothes I'm wearing are, I'm grateful when my bank account and finances are in order - I'm grateful. But I get sad and upset very often. It's an old habit but I need it to leave. I need to still be stronger. I think I need my faith in God...in Allah to be stronger. I need to believe that He brought me this far and having faith in Him and working hard will take me even further.

I want to remember where I am. I am living the life. I do not need to complain. I should not be complaining/procrastinating with the reports due Monday, I need to be getting stuff done for my trip abroad (I havent even started packing!).

I'm going to need my readers not to judge me and put up with some of the things that may be superficial but are important to me, because I'm about to bullet point shamelessly:

I am beyond grateful for my car. I love that I have one. In University Town, it was terrible not to have transportation, this place is the opposite of NY. I love having gotten the hang of driving here. To be able to budget, maintain and get good insurance premiums - I am proud of myself to handle these things. I will keep this car well into my second job.
I am beyond grateful for my living situation. It's a good 15 min drive from my school but it's a great new community. I love everything about the place: location (close to everything except school - which is great!), the house itself, the kitchen, the room, the neighbours and most importantly the roommate. Pity she's living with her sister next year.
Here comes what some might see as superficial: a killer work wardrobe. I am all set for a job. The only thing missing is a job, lol. I love how business wear suits me so much. I couldn't ask for more - and I love the US - did not spend big, big bucks at all on it. I am grateful that I get to wear it (back home, I could only dream).
My reputation with the professors and administration: I am so glad that I am respected. I respect them immensely (save a few idiots, who I respect too!). I am so glad that the administration is so nice to me and that when the time comes for references these professors will mean it when they write to companies. I hope I can maintain this - it is so important to me.
Finances: I have them in order. As long as I can get a job within two years of graduating - I am good. My credit rating is good. This is so important to me because my family really doesn't care about bad credit. I just have some to pay back to my parents - and thats great. The rest is student loans and I'm happy with the terms.
Learning how to cook: I'm getting better. It's possible to get better. I'm at a point where I'm beginning t experiment with basic recipes and the outcome is good! Knowing how to eat healthy has also been great for me.
I have a good resume - I have thankfully not stepped on my foot anywhere along the way. I am so grateful for the internships I took and the education I decided to pursue. I may be young but I haven't lost out on a good base.
I'm going to another country with smart, great, intellectual classmates. I will truly be touring the way I want to. I will get to see the culture. I've been wanting this for so long - all those family trips marred by anger and disagreements and tension - I am getting this.
I am making healthy (and sometimes unhealthy) mistakes. I'm transitioning from a survivor to a person who knows her value, who knows not to settle for less than her worth. I know I have value - I deserve a good life, and a good man. No, I am not snooty, far from it, I just know I'm a smart, loving, beautiful person and if I can be these things for someone, then I have value. I will never let an abusive or an oppressive man get his way with me, even if it's just to bully me for something trivial. I will never put up with a man who does not respect women to have opinions of equal value and not the lesser.

Now, I ought to make some chai and get the first report done!

Sincerely,

Up In The Air

2010-01-31T16:18:00.002-05:00

Have you seen that movie? It's bloody brilliant. I've had an incredibly trying weekend; not because of educational stress but because of inner conflict. So much inner conflict. It was a series of unfortunate events and a steady set of feelings to accompany them: loneliness - feeling like everything around me is a dark abyss.

I think it started on Thursday evening when I went out with two good guy friends and he roommate. Let's give them weird names. Guy friend one: Greek god. Guy friend two: Obnoxious Success. Roommate: Cinnamon Matcher. Don't ask me why I came up with these names. They suit these people to the tee in my mind, and my mind is all that matters. OS thinks I'm the most sheltered, spoiled girl in the world, and treats me accordingly. He'll pull my cheeks, pull back and comment on how absolutely innocent I am that it is ridiculous. GG knows better because I've told him better. So does CM. And most of the time, so do I.

But sometimes I forget. And to OS's astute observation on Friday night at our place, I have been conditioned to do my best to come off as innocent because I feel innocence equals respect. I equate innocence to virginity while people here equate innocence to naivety. I can be naive and silly - the independent life is new to me and I pull it off in a cute way. So they think I'm cute. The line blurs when some, including myself believe that not drinking and not dating equal innocence and thus equal the right to be cared about and respected. It conflicts me: If I drank, would the boys still care about me the way they do? Would they watch out for me still, make sure I'm home? If I had been in previous relationships, sexual or non-sexual, would they still protect me from being left alone somewhere for a while, or from being at the bar unaccompanied? My culture tells me 'yes', they'd lose all respect for me. But what I see, what the culture here demonstrated, and going off of what nice guys here behave like, the answer is 'no' - they'd still care. they'd still be my friends and not treat me differently.

So it's about time I say: INNOCENCE IS OVERRATED. It will take time living by this statement but it's about time I grow up and smell the flowers - the ones that have bloomed, the ones that actually have a smell, a nice one. Not buds. No this doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy but it does mean that I won't behave as stand offish as I do. Or walk around with a halo on my head. Yes, I like to stand apart - I don't like to be average. That doesn't mean I want to be termed unavailable or...in extreme circumstances, an ice queen.

Also, going by my experience on Friday night at my place when CM and OS decided they'd get me drunk on margaritas 'till she can't walk', and my agreement to it ALCOHOL IS OVERRATED. No, I did not get sick. I said the same incredibly funny things I cay at 12 am anyway. And I went awfully quiet in a depressed stupor. I felt like CRAP. And so i was in bed by 11.30 pm. I woke up on various points in the night reflecting on my incredibly messy past and incredibly lonely and uncertain future. I was up at 8 am. My friend in China was right - I don't need alcohol. I have had alcohol 4 times in my life. The first time was an overdose of tequila shots in Pakistan when I felt my future was an arranged marriage with a man half my height (I assure you I am not justifying my actions). I then threw up and was all better. My other two experiences with alcohol were random acts of rebel - the thrill of secretly having a glass and being caught while doing it. That was very naive of me and won't happen again. I didn't get drunk those two times though - a glass each time. Useless. But on Friday night I was with friends and could experience alcohol for the buzz they talk about. Tried and dismissed. Not to mention it tastes nasty. I feel, even though I was in serious pain thanks to the induced depression, the drinking that night was extremely important. I am now beyond sure that I will never need alcohol, not to rebel, not to be happy, not to let lose. Because alcohol is not my thing. And I'm glad.

On a side-note, at 8 am the next morning I wrote the Spaniard an email. I was sober of course but extremely depressed. I told that son of a bitch that his rudeness was uncalled for. In case I never mentioned, he's a senior, he's ten years older than me and he told me I'm a child who shouldnt be doing an MBA. I sat for two hours without a flinch of objection while he tore me apart. It helped that he knew my family background. He said it's 'normal' that I have seen so much tragedy in life because I'm from Pakistan. Son. Of. A. Bitch. And I went on, seeing him in the hallway, smiling and saying hi because yes he's really, really hot and really, really unavailable. But what he did to me was uncalled for. I dont regret that email.

Saturday continued to be a nasty and dark day for me. So nasty infact that even though there was supposed to be sleet and driving was supposed to be avoided especially by someone who does not have a clue about driving in bad weather, I went out to get Walmart Greal Value waffles - a 24 pack and the cookies I had been avoiding - Chips Ahoy chewy with 12o cals in 2 cookies. I proceeded to eat the whole box. I also got DiGiarno pizza, it was NOT yummy but ate it. I also saw New Moon and wished so bad to have an Edward in my life. I overwhelmed myself with the amount of internships on internship search engines and so ended up applying to none. I stared a whole lot at my email account. No emails. No emails all weekend. And that was depressing too.

Saturday night was a nightmare. I went to a really kickass basketball game with OS and did some fun stuff. He's nice. I really shouldnt drive him nuts with my weekend paranoia but I almost did. Screw me. Hopefully there has been no damage because he does have ADD. I'm currently watching gay men ice-skate, I just thought I'd put it out there. So yes, the basketball game - nice. Gong back home with CM gone for the night, was depression personified. I attempted to download a few movies. I've gone movie crazy this semester. I then messaged my forbidden friend and asked if he'd call today, that is, Saturday. He surprising did around 1 am. And I got even more depressed and wondered whether I'm a sadist. I thought he was the perfect mix of the two cultures: he;s his own mix - and we no longer can be friends on the level we were. Full stop. Hurts but hey, life's a bitch for a reason. I refuse to believe I hammered my own foot - honesty is important to me. I found Law online, a rarity, and told him I wanted to Skype. We talked but he was at work - and happy, of course he's happy, he's got the hottest body/sex on the planet and he's getting good sex all the time. Not that I'm complaining, I live a very fulfilled life with no candlelight and sleepless nights. LOL.

This internship search is killing me. I am scared. I should be paralyzed with fear. Even Germany and Switzerland are a far cry - they want engineers and IT specialists, I'm a bloody lawyer. I can't believe how cut throat competition out there is, there is always someone better than me out there. It's a good hard look in the mirror. All I can do is keep my head out of the water..or atleast my nose.

So any how, the fight against depressive loneliness continues. Because it's a long lonely road ahead, and maybe I should open up to people who can atleast give me company along a bit of the way. I'm not open to love, can't afford that till I have a settled career - but I am open to like and learning.

Theme song for the post: One Day - Matisyahu (it's beautiful).

Ending Unplanned

2010-01-14T18:34:00.005-05:00

Pier 1 imports is a furniture store. I didn't know that. I never checked. I always thought it was a store for boring imported mens clothes. I dont know. It has been long my friends, since I've written, really written my heart out. I always worry about writing too much - cluing a dangerous person about where I am. I really don't know who is reading this blog; not everyone is accounted for.

Anyhow, I need to say this because it does strike me, it feels liberating but it also feels like an insane amount of responsibility - responsibility that keeps me very, very grounded. Oh yes, the thing I had to say: I am alive, I am a woman and I am living my life. The first week of this semester has been hectic, and the week before that, even more overwhelming. I drive into University City (made up name of course and hencefirth referred to as UC) in my new car, all on my own. Yes, it was incredibly liberating to take the highway on my own and do a few hours of a drive from one city to the next. Being in UC was the hard part. I had to pack. I had to clean up and close the whole apartment and drop the roomies to the airport in the middle of the night. The packing took forever. The carrying stuff a flight of stairs down, into the car, then carrying stuff into the new place (its a town house, new and fabulous) and up a flight of stairs and then unpacking it is something I cannot put the pain of into words. It was hard. It was hard to find the place, I got lost for a good long while on a heavy transportation road and I did get very upset but I kept it together and found the place. I had loan institutions to deal with and the payment of tuition plus the yearly gyno visit. I had reading and preparing to do before school. I had food to put in the fridge and trust me, you'd think you'd have the time to get food - no. And I feel responsiblity now, I wont drive into a fast food restaurant, I know how much it costs. I do indulge and I do have bad eating habits, but I have learnt much control, it doesnt hurt so much anymore. So I made it to my new place. And started with a new semester.

There is a lot. That hasnt changed. But this time it is subjects I can wrap my head around, less quantitative and more qualitative, interesting and about the world. The class size has shrunk by 85%. That relieves about that amount of stress. The first week was hectic, over 500 pages to read and write on and two 4-hour classes a day. Today is Thursday. And tomorrow I have no classes except a very, very important lunch I was chosen to go to by the business school. I am beyond honoured but I have allll morning to prepare for it. Tonight is the first return episode of Grey's Anatomy (they stop airing in the holidays) and I am super excited. Super tired but also super excited.

I had a bad day yesterday and it's important I talk about it. My excuse and reason, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. I had slept a full eight hours. But the morning was so bad. Took a pain killer right away - my whole body was aching and it was the type of pain you get from a lot of stress. And I won't lie, I was beyond stressed the night before. I got off the wrong exit twice and was scared I'd run into a truck and die. I was an inch away from merging into a truck at night a few nights ago. And I realised I didn't want to die; I had not reached that point in my life where I could die - my life is incomplete, I'm only on the chapter close to the beginning that gets me hooked to the rest of book, to seeing the ending. Back home I didn't care if I died, my life was not headed anywhere close to my happiness. But now....even though I may get lonely, and it may be so tough and I may have gained some weight that will be a royal pain to get off, I have a chance at happiness. Hell, I am living happiness. I drive 20 minutes home everyday and back to school and both ways, I feel liberated. I like this roommate of mine, I realize I had some tough cookie roommates before but I could never tell! It's a whole other blog post though!

Also, I found out that my plan to go to Pakistan for a week or two got canceled. The parents would rather I don't go. Strangely, I wasn't really bummed. There is no one there, sadly. No one who wishes me well and thus no one I care about. I feel bad about that. But thee was a lot of negativity, so much and even though I looked like the perfect Pakistani girl (I looked the part and I behaved the part) I never felt the part and it began killing me inside, till what was inside started manifesting into illness and mind shattering nightmares. The psycho who almost raped me. The man who stalked me for money. Reputation. Reputation. Reputation. Relatives and friends telling a beautiful girl that she's too tall, too skinny, too fat, smiles too much, no, frowns too much. But the most painful thing was that I was confined to a limited circle, not of my choosing, where I couldnt speak about world affairs or the economy because the men and the elders discussed that, not the silly little girl. The constant nagging, telling me I'm not perfect, the teasing, they love me...but that wasnt the way. No, I dont care to go back. I just want my stuff. I want to thank the maid who raised me, the driver who took care of me and the cook who made me great food - I want to thank them for who they were, good people who genuinely cared. Forcing proposals upon me when I wasnt mentally or emotionally ready for a relationship or to raise children. Being not able to breathe. Then stop. The breathing would stop. I'd lose consciousness but I'd wake up..in my room, that room. I burned that room down. I set it on fire but I still had to live in it. No, I am not going back. Even if I end up alone. I do not fit there unfortunately. I couldnt conform. I wish I could, but I couldnt. And that's that. This blog is my witness to all the reasons I am here, the journey that I took, why I struggled so hard for this. I am a good person. I went wrong, bad things happened to me and often I did not handle it gracefully, often my heart wasnt string enough and I broke but I am a good person. I mean well and I care about people. I would go out of my way for those who care. I love God. I am not the perfect Muslim but I am one and I love God and I have utmost faith in Him.

I get up every morning, two hours before class and leave for school more than an hour before class so I have parking. I have to scrape ice off the car and day 1 of doing that was a complete fiasco. I have to be careful on the highway. I sometimes get lost or lock myself outside the house by mistake and have to sit out in the cold for an hour. I dress well. I need to control the building flab and my waffle cravings arent helping. I have to learn even more discipline to study even more. I need to find an internship. I need to handle my finances. I can do this. I am alive. My ending's unplanned but I hope I find happiness, someone to make me feel less lonely. But until then I'm happy and I wouldn't have my life any other way.

Love,

The Year Oh-Nine

2009-12-30T23:16:00.002-05:00

Ok, if anything, the year 2009 deserves a serious commendation. It has been one of the most important years of my life; a year that gave me so much and so much to be grateful for that it is worth a big, beautiful post. Here's to listing the best of 2009, the memories and opportunities it gave me, what it taught me - starting from doing dishes to balancing a 70 hour study-week schedule to getting the car of my dweams - here's to 2009:

New York, New York: It was early in January when I finally got to visit the city I've always wanted to see (second only to Paris!). Times Square, first snow of the season, Broadway and Madison Avenue, I fell in love. I had the most unexpected uncle (I didn't quite know him until that faithful visit!) give me the most wonderful tour from Queens to Brooklyn to Manhattan. Just walking the streets at night and having so much to take in was wonderful; the beautiful people so very different from one another with every kind of fashion imaginable all on one block, the lights, the matrix of skyscrapers, the red steps..two nights, but I got the chance to make them count - I hope to visit NY again, but it's never quite like your first time.

President Obama's Inauguration: Even though I hadn't signed up to go to the actual ceremony, I was in Washington D.C. And it was a time when all I saw for the future of my country was another Bush and so another Iraq. Much of the world had lost faith and much of the world was hanging on to Obama as their glimmer of hope - to see that, to feel that in the general population, to see Americans accept a black President, is a memory worth remembering.

Business School: Probably the one thing I should be MOST grateful for. It's taking an effort to align my thoughts into words. As my regular readers know from my previous posts, I was resigned to a future I did not want and could not handle - and it was killing me. And then I got the chance...the permission to go the business school. The struggle, the hard work and the sheer luck, I will never forget it. I will never forget sitting on a bench outsude the school in January and looking up at the business building, wishing so hard that I get in, that my parents let me come, that I can pay for it. And here I am. Getting into this school has given me my future. It's mine now. I now have a choice at it.

My 23rd Birthday: When I contrast it with my 22nd Birthday, when I so dramatically gifted myself with a blue and black stone (forgot what it's called) encrusted ring to remind myself of how I am not allowed any liberties, the difference is stark. My roommates and class fellows threw me an amazing birthday. Everyone was there, and I loved them for doing all that for me. It was one of the best birthdays ever. I was so now to the independent, American lifestyle..I was still trying to find my feet and the warmth of these people is truly worth being thankful for.

Getting to pay for school myself: This may sound weird but I like that my parents aren't paying for me anymore, because as long as they were, they own me, and they had a say in my future. I know they want the best for me...and I wish it was the same as what I think is the best for me, but it's not. They still look out for me and tell me they'll pay off the loans of the need arises...but I feel confident, I have this feeling that I will be just fine. This education and any financing that goes with it is my responsibility. And I am thankful for that.

The Car: It's the one I've always wanted, and I could never get it in Pakistan because it costs a lot more than a relatively new car in Pakistan...we did have a 400% customs tax on imported cars, mind you. And here, it costs as much as a motorbike in Pakistan. I love the US. I had a budget and I could not find this car. I simply could not. And so I gave up to practicality and need and decided to go for anything that moves from point A to point B, until the faithful day a few days ago when it became mine. It's a whole different dynamic to drive and pay for my own car in the US than to drive my parents' cars under supervision in Pakistan.

The People I Met: It has been a privilege to meet and know the people I have met in this one year. From the friends I made through Blogger to the people I met in school, I have made special connections and I hope to maintain them. There were people I met whom I knew I would never meet again, but I learned so much from them- I am grateful for that too.

The Growing Up I was Made To Do: A lot of growing up. I arrived to an apartment with dog fur and God knows what else all over it, spent the first night crying and thinking of running away to the Marriott a few blocks down and leaving it all. I was so fickle, and so incredibly soft. The growing started the next day when I sucked it up, bought cleaning supplies..and broke nails for the first time ever cleaning the flooring, the toilet, every doorknob. This doesn't begin to describe the things I learned. From taking a taxi home from the bars on my own and being safe about it to conducting myself in a certain way with different people to being responsible for everything, I did a lot of growing up. I don't run like a girl from a bee, a cockroach or even a mouse anymore - I deal with it. If I have too much to possibly be able to do in one day (can't forget those days!) and a bad case of fever, I suck it up and make it work. If my closest friend here hurts me, because inevitably we all are just human, I get past it and not let it affect my work. I'm not even close to getting where I should be but I am making progress.

This place called One Day Paris: How could I forget that this blog was born on the 25th of January 2009 with a little flicker of hope. A hope to have more than the life they had in store for me.I cherish this blog and it's readers and the people I met through it. I hope I can continue to write here without apprehension, because this truly has been a great support to me, to write my heart out and to have people see me and write to me, in even the smallest comment - this blog has, for the majority of the year been my crutch, a support and I am grateful. I love all my readers and commentators, I truly do!

Well, I think I covered the gist of the main things I am grateful for! Thank you 2009!

Love, hugs and kisses,

Mine

2009-12-26T21:23:00.003-05:00

Sitting next to me are the keys to my first car. I've dreamed of this day...this faithful want, since I can remember. My very own car. The one I've always wanted. I am such a different person today. I feel it with my reaction towards the car.

For days I've been searching for a car to fit my budget, first the search for the make and model of my choice and then to anything reliable and in working condition. In my heart I prayed for the car I want. And I got it. The exact model, the exact colour, the exact features. Could I have asked for more! I am so, so incredibly happy and grateful. No, I'm not jumping around announcing it's arrival, no I am not staring at it, wanting to take it out on a cruise. I'm happy. I have it and it's my responsibility. I will be paying it's insurance installments, I will be paying for gas and I am a student with a very limited budget. And that's ok. I will somehow make it work.

I've come to see my family for Christmas. Unfortunately, it's exactly the way I left it, only now I feel it more. Now I see the difference. My mother's destructuve attitude towards herself, my uncle's absurdness, my brother's insolence and narrow-mindedness. I love them, they do so much for me...but it hurts to be here. It hurts to see my mother cry about things past, it hurts to see her face crack, it hurts when the one time I get upset about my uncle not being on time to a car dealer meeting just because he's being lazy and he says I am still stupid immature and impatient - it hurts. I ought to see the good and disregard the bad, if only for a week...but I am constantl reminded how much if a misfit I am in...within these people. Nothing I say is smart, nothing I wear is decent (and if you saw the way I in fact dress, you'd wonder where the vulgarity is located), and nothing I do is an improvement. These six months have shown me so much: I have been through more growing pains in this duration than any put together - and it was all worth it, positive results.

When I come here...my dream for marriage to a nice Pakistani guy one day, children, acceptance and tolerance of the society that I will become a part of no matter how integrated I am in it or not, that one day I will marry a nice, considerate, upstanding and mature man who has a broad perspective and bear his children...make my mother happy being with a Muslim man...it all seems so incompatible with my happiness, it all vanishes. And that hurts.

What if I end up with a non-Muslim? What if he's decent and nice and everything a good husband should be? What if I am happy with him? What if I have his children? Will I go to hell? Will I go to hell for wanting a happy life - positivity to pass on to my children? Because all I see is pain and evl in this society, this Pakistani and Muslim society. Where did the true meaning of my religion go?

I hope to God that my life remains mine, as it has been for six months, that I find happiness and if it is not to my society/mother/family's liking, that God forgives me. I have seen much good in these non-Muslims, good that was supposed to be in us. God help me.

Happiness, not just guidance,

Another Ending

2009-12-13T22:48:00.002-05:00

It's about that time again, and there is nothing to describe it than to call it all bittersweet. Going to the local bars, a Christmas Party, the mood has changed. Nobody is concerned with getting 'hammered' or 'shit-faced' or dancing - people just want to have conversation. There are a hundred students in my class and there is one week left for the Core semester to end, one week till everyone disburses to their respective countries of interest till we see one another again, in August 2010.

The core was the most intense experience/period in my 23 years years of existence. We were pushed to our limits and then some more. There were so many days when I thought my head would explode. There were days when I wished to fly away, literally and never have to come back to earth. I fantasized about a business-free island. Ridiculous. I felt lonely, I felt alone, I felt betrayed (by anything and everything), I felt overwhelmed, I felt my eyebrows superglued to my forehead with stress, I felt I couldn't do it. I can't believe I did it.

I can not believe I survived this semester. A few breakdowns here and there but I held my GPA steady, I held myself steady, my emotional and physical being.

You must wonder whether this core I talk about really is how I have described it. It is. There are many who don't make it through. It's the Program's way of cherry-picking the ones who are worth graduating with this MBA degree. It's cruel. It's cruel how much they threw at us. But it's over. What matters is that I have a final paper and one exam left and it's over.

But then everyone leaves. Whether we hate each other or love each other, for the last never-ending six months we were all we had day and night. And now we disburse. Some go to Europe, some South America, some Asia...we disburse.

I don't know if I can say I will miss them. Yes, this semester was wonderful, with the parties, the commiserating, watching everyone get hammered after finals, I relished every moment - but I wouldn't live it again. I am ready for the next step. The old routine, attachment, familiarity will all cause me to miss it/them but I am so very ready to move on. I have chosen to study about all major business countries and I will be actively looking for a dream internship in this economy.

I would like to say I might get lonely but the truth is, it has been an underlying condition throughout, even when surrounded. I really must learn to come to terms with it, so that it becomes less bothersome. It will, however, be a good break to not be surrounded by a hundred people constantly and instead have class and competition with only fifteen. I look forward to the new dynamic.

I like the future right now, as uncertain as it is, as it always is.

Optimistic

2009-11-09T17:16:00.002-05:00

Two posts in the span of three days - I’m on a riot! The truth of the matter is that I am stressed, this is exam week and this is my outlet, or at least the outlet of choice as it was in the past. I feel that I gain more insight when I write all this down. Talking to people often goes wasted - you talk, you speak but once the words leave your mouth they’re gone and it’s up to the person being addressed to give what you’ve said meaning with their reply. With matters of importance, you’re often left disappointed. So here I am, recoding my important thoughts.

I seem to have lost readers but that’s alright, this has been a rather banal blog since the six months that I came into my graduate program. Previously, when I was at home in Pakistan, I made big promises to myself, I told myself I would be efficient and on top of things, that I would read the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, The News, Indian journals of course and keep abreast of EU policies, the U.S. health care debate and the recession - but alas, none! (I’m beginning to sound Shakespearean as I write but trust me it’s a welcome break from speaking American - I much prefer my accent but it tends to take on anothers when I stay in one place long enough i.e. a few weeks even).

But since I made my decision to stay in the US and take business courses as opposed to going to Europe to learn the language and culture (sounds terribly tempting, I know), a calm has washed over me, I no longer feel like I’m running a mile a minute even though I have an Econ exam day after. I’m currently sitting in the school library on my favourite table - it’s positioned right in front of the windows - the quiet in the library makes the light hussle bussle of the going ons in the view look calming. I have not felt like this in months. Haha, this too shall pass and I will be running on an unstoppable hamster wheel again but I feel good and optimistic with this decision. I feel God is with me on this. And if He is, only good can come.

(I need to be studying the eight chapters of Econ that I have never touched). I came across a very interesting blog just today and I thought I’d mention it - it’s a girl who just graduated (she’s 21!) who just landed herself a consulting job in Singapore with travel all over the continent and beyond - my dream job, much! It has truly been a while since I read something other than business books, I had lost all interest in reading and there it was, a link I clicked on from Nashe’s comment page. Sadly, life has it that I have a class in 20 minutes. Sadly, sadly.

I need to find a good internship. And it won’t come easy. I’m an international student. I have little if no interview skills and I need to REALLY catch up on the general knowledge. And lose a little weight, my tummy is no longer flat, I can tell when I look at my feet in the shower, I need to stop it right there! So yes, an exercise routine to increase focus and give me more energy for hours of studying. I need to commit at least three hours a day other than classes and homework to sit in the library and do relevant reading and writing, which means at least two hours of hardcore exercise. I need to get my game on as the Americans say. Like I’ve mentioned - I dont have years of business work experience like 90% of my class but I can get there, I can sharpen what I have and while they’re off focusing on language, I want to focus on interview skills, good cover letters, keeping myself informed of what goes on in the business world and bringing my GPA back up to a 4.0. And perhaps I’ll finally have time to look at all the books in this library I come to so often - there’s a wealth of information here that I don’t even get to look at. Yes, Im a book worm. And I have a crush on a cute Spaniard. And he makes me want to lose weight. Just so I can flirt on the same level. I have gained a lot since I got here 6 months ago - I’ve been drinking Coke like water and downing junk food like there’s no tomorrow. But *sigh* he’s perfect.

All said, I am optimistic. Today I feel optimistic. It’s a long stretch ahead and the road WILL be bumpy but I feel optimistic with my decision and the path that lies ahead - I can make it through, and not just struggle to stay above the water but swim with (relative) ease. I feel I need to be living alone, having my own apartment minus roomies to really focus. Let’s see.

Oh, I want to continue writing but its about time to run to the my class!

Toodles!

To Find Myself

2009-11-08T08:36:00.003-05:00

I made an important decision today. It had been coming for weeks and I kept looking away. It's early morning and it's the only time my head doesn't feel like mush - because by afternoon, evening or night time that is what it becomes because of all the studying. Next week is exam week. I have litterly been aching to write a post for a week now. I think I even have a painfully long draft lying here somewhere. It was painful and it was before I made this decsion and before peace washed over me.

My degree gives me the option to do a semester at a university in another country , learn the language and their business culture. I chose a country in Europe. I love arts, beauty, scenery and history and what better place to travel than Europe? I went to Miami, Florida a few weeks ago to get my visa, I got it. And all I could think of for months was when will have enough to buy a DSLR camera for the trip, and the places I'll go and the old friends I'll meet up with. But I'm in business school and I have no business background. I am spending oodles of money. Do I really want to forego an opportunity to find internships in the US and study business subjects that are currently flying over my head or do I want to spend shit loads, enjoy myself thoroughly and learn a language but not good enough to be proficient in it?! And so, the choice is logical. I just did not have the guts to follow through on it.

And also, of equal if not more importance is that I have to find myself because I haven't. I have past issues, I am constantly blue, and in Miami, with the stress of all the homework, quizzes, applications etc, I downed my first drink. And I slept like a baby after ages. The alcohol helped with the stress. I don't drink alcohol, I am 23, I have come this far without alcohol and at the time I was desperate to find anything to take the edge off. SO for a few days I was better - I dealt with the intense stress and the subjects that were flying over my head while I splashed around to keep my head up. And then I started drowning again.

I had my first real Halloween here. My dress was ingenious - I bought it online but it was certainly different and I looked the part! Of course there was pressure in the background, pressure for exams and tests and subjects like International Finance that I had no clue about, but I thought to myself, one night. I was quite bored...and loneliness began to creep up on me...while I was surrounded by people. And so I downed one drink and another and another until I found an exchange student I knew and danced the rest of the night away with him. It was fun, the buzz I had was fun. I woke up the next day (thankfully at my own place, alone) and thought to myself..what am I doing? The path ahead was clear. And so began the wondering of how I'll slip myself a drink or two on New Year's in the City of Lights in Europe where all the European trackers will meet, of how I'll drink before I come to the Indian Festival to take the edge off. I was drinking not to loosen up but to stop being blue for a while, I was 'needing' to drink and really, that's a one way ticket to alcoholism - and boys. I have considering just going home with a boy 'to take the edge off' so I can study. I don't need that.

I need time on my own, I need time to reflect, I need time to learn time management and learn to be happy and at peace. I got what I wanted - I am in the US at a top class university living on my own, I need to embrace it and STOP playing the helpless girl from Pakistan, the youngest in class and the victim of unfortunate events. I am in an MBA Program, I need to stop being a push over. (And my roommate just walked in and called me 'Little (Name)'). SO yes, I need to behave like I'm being trained for leadership positions. The stress of this semester has been intense. I have not enjoyed being here. Everything is hurried, one cannot even take in the view driving to the grocery store because we have a set time to do that so we can get back and study. Study, group meet, study, write report, study...and yes lots of eating and very little sleeping involved - that makes me a nice plump piglet. And so while my confidence is at an all time low, the lard that I have accumulated is not helping either. I cannot go to another country, start over with getting used to it and keeping up with the arty animals that my fellow classmates are. They have lived independently their entire lives or at least the past 10ish years and have worked for multiple years. Most of them have business backgrounds. Touring other countries and choosing to learn a language over learning business for a semester makes sense to them.

I know that it is not optimal o come into an MBA Program as young as I did - a few years of experience are necessary for one's own benefit. I am constantly flipping between Marketing, Operations and Finance. I want to study a mix of Marketing and Operations...but in order to do that I need to enhace my quantitative skills. I would never have touched my books in Europe. It would all have been about going to France one weekend and Italy the next. So I need to study here, where I am and one day hope that I will get an opportunity to go to these wonderful European countries that I so very much want to go to.

"One Day, Paris" - There's a right time for everything and right now is not the right time for Europe. One day, when I'm ready. And I am so content with my decision - it's a big burden off my shoulders. I, of course, have to notify the administration and that will be a mess in itself because the deadline to decide was two months ago but at least I made the right decision. Oh and did I tell you, that this way I get to visit home for two weeks in March because I will be visiting China for a few weeks for business classes? Love, love! And yes, a car, a car on Thanksgiving!

Life of an International MBA Student

2009-09-29T21:29:00.002-04:00

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ok, I shouldn't scare you. But really, that's what goes through my mind multiple times a day. That's what goes through my mind when I'm trying to sleep, knowing I have only 3 or 4 hours to catch up on sleep and that's what goes through my mind when I wake up in the middle of my short night. It is a lot, and unfortunately that's an understatement.

I haven't seen free time in a long time. Even right now, I am foregoing writing cover letters and researching for the scarce jobs out there for yet another business expo. We have a exam every other week at the least and classes a day before and a day after. Group projects take up the evenings and often the nights. You have to be on your toes - slowing down means being so left behind, you have no chance of catching up. More than that, a moment of slack reflects on you as incompetence in front of the rest of the students. You cannot be late for a group meeting and you cannot go over the deadline when submitting your part of the work. Add to all this homework assignments, information sessions, networking events and keeping up socially with the MBA crowd.

The economy really, really is a bitch lately. And it ain't turning around for at least two years. Funny, you read about how bad the state of the economy is - it's what I did, researched all that went down with the economy, the corporate scandals, the feeling of impending doom. I wrote my admissions essay on how I'll grab the bull by it's horns and bounce on it when it turns around. It is very difficult. Jobs are scarce, companies have closed their hatchets. And for me, it's tougher, I'm an international student in the United States of America - I do not yet have work authorization and companies these days have a hard time hiring nationals, let alone sponsoring internationals. Which is why I need to be able to brng more to the table.

I have not worked so much in my life put together. I could put my British law degree together and say I have studied more in business school in one day compared to that. It has been a toug, tough ride. It's not all 'dandy' anymore. In orientation week the dean told us that we would be hurled out of our comfort zone in the majority of our stay here - I should have realized she meant always. I cannot lie down in bed without thinking I'm 'wasting' precious time; time that I could use to learn things, catch up. I have a legal background - I take advanced accounting, international finance and decision analysis classes. I am not a numbers person (you ought to laugh at how I'm in b-school knowing that!) and so I have a very hard time with such subjects. I wish I have time to brush up on basic basics but I don't. And to top it off, I am surrounded by people with powerful backgrounds in such fields - I have people with masters degrees in accounting, finance and economics. I have people who have more than 7 years of work experience - I have just 1 year. Competition is cut-throat. I have come to the notion that I need to stop boasted about haveing an honours degree from London or being the youngest in class - these are not my strengths, they don't bring me up in anyway.

Performance - everything here in business school, in the US and due to the economy in general is performance based. You are nothing unless you show your skills. There is no point of a fancy resume unless you can demonstrate each and every skill written on it. Also, you usually have a few minutes to communicate these demonstrations of skills and convince people of why you are better than the other 100 students standing in line at a job booth. This is no longer Pakistan where I could boast having an international degree, where I could put on an expensive pair of clothes, drive up in a nice car and be respected. Unfortunately, that's how it was back home. Over here, you must look he part, act the part and BE the part.

Coffee - Coffee has become my best friend and worst enemy. Coffee has always been bad for me, it's terrible for my skin. But with no chai here, and having slept only a few hours to wake up at 6 am, get your notes and schedule for the day in order, make breakfast, get ready...decide on whether I have to wear business wear on a given day, get suited, be in time to catch the bus and pay attention for hours in class, you need coffee. And if there's an intensive evening study session, I need coffee again. When I was in Pakistan, I always thought it was classy how people sat at Starbucks and went to Starbucks every day before and during work. Now, that class...I do not feel. It should be a treat, and I try to take it as a mini-relaxing session but it's necessary.

Business wear - I have come to the sad conclusion that I am not a pencil skirt or skirt in general person. I don't know why we are told that only a skirt suit looks powerful, I feel a great pant suit on a tall person looks more powerful -anyhow, not a skirt person. The very nice suits are above $300. I am a student saving up for a semester of study in Europe - it is tough to spend on business wear. We have to, on average, wear business wear 3 times a week. I will, however, write a post on my thorugh good business wear research experience - the girls know how tough it is to find the perfect or even close to perfect business suit. Keeping the makeup intact is also an art.

Self- Improvement: This can be brutal. Being amongst 100+ professionals (who do know how to have a good time, we've been told this class parties harder than the school has seen in a while) means constant critical analysis. I bite my nails in class - I have been notified by some students on how that could kill my chances at a job. They are right, I do it without realising - imagine doing it in an interview, I would, but now I think twice. How I tend to come off as criticising the US always, although it was never my intention - I miss the Pakistani lifestyle and often highlight the differences. I ought to word it better. One can build a reputation of being a slacker, being the one who tries to put their weight on others or someone who takes others' notes and never contributes. I have had to make a conscious effort to steer clear of that. I am the youngest and it is often highlighted. Becuase we are a bunch of 100+ students in a program where we see eachother everyday all day and then socialize with each other only, we get to learn about eachother's lives and habits. I am the one who had a maid and can't cook to save her life - its nothing to be proud of, on the contrary I was and am accused of being spoiled. People can often be quick to judge. I don't like the outdoors, I don't do mudruns or outdoor soccer or sneakers. This gives off a very 'prima donna' image that I have had to make a conscious effort to try and get rid of. And it's not just me going through this. My one roommate, is not very empathetic, she's quite mechanic and comes off as rude - she's trying to fix it. My other roommate, partying and drinking problem, keeps up with education but a bulldozer type personality that she's working on. We're all fixing ourselves in one way or the other. I've had it hard, but I cannot hang on to that and use it for leverage in any way - I need o steer clear of the 'poor pink - victim complex'. It's a new culture but the only way I can have any edge over any national student is if I integrate myself perfectly in this new environment - this way I can say I have true multi-cultural communicative and integration capabilities. I need to stop playing the international student card.

This year, and 2010 are going to be more challenging than I dare imagine. But it's the time of my life. I am learning so, so much on every front. My friend, the one who knows my identity from the first few posts of this blog, mentioned to me how he felt I had matured - I have a long way to go still - but that meant a lot. That is what I'm here for, and someone to tell me honestly that they have seen a significant improvement in me is like a grade report.

Power,

Birthday Week

2009-08-22T16:44:00.004-04:00

'We're going to celebrate your birthday like it's Shark Week!!!'; I had NO idea what that meant. And when I asked what Shark Week is I was even more confused. So it's one week on Discovery Channel when all they show is videos about sharks *yawn*. Really? So what's the big deal, why does everyone go on about it - no reason. But when they say they'll celebrate my birthday like it's shark week it means it's going to be seven days of wishing me and partying and celebrating the fact that I'm 23, and kegs and drinking of course. I'll admit, I loved the attention, I'm almost sad it's over. Had a party at my place last night. Putting it together was stressful but my roommates helped a lot - turns out they did everything, even things against their will just because I thought those things would magically be done for me. Culture gap :/

Any how, we had a blast, everyone came. It was really fun. It's hilarious how everyone loves to tease me about the fact that all I ever drink is Coke and a few of the boys got me other types of non-alcoholic drinks to make me 'mix it up a bit'. I've never filled a cooler with beer cans before and I've never seen a keg get filled. Hey, what can I say, I come from a different culture. Everyone loves my perceptions on these things because it's usually funny things they never notice about themselves.

It's just...I'm happy....it's so many things. I have self-esteem issues and I often wonder in my head how much I could be cared about especially in a culture completely different. But I am cared about. And I care about these people who care about me as well. It's the little things. Like how Surf (nicknames :P ) couldn't go out tonight because he wasn't well but stayed till 12 am for my birthday and told me to take extra care of myself and not do this or that or to call him as soon as I feel uncomfortable being out, or anything silly happens like if any of the guys try getting too close. It's the real concern that got me. I love him. He has a good heart, and unlike in Pakistan, not every guy who's concerned has ulterior motives like dating. He likes someone and that is cool. And then there is Herc - my silent, super intelligent friend. He was the first to wish me a happy birthday on our walk down to school in the morning. I thought he'd be the last to remember. He's not a big hugger or someone who'd express care or concern but I've had bonding moments with him where I have realized for sure that he is one reliable person who cares. Which is why he went out with us last night and made sure I wasnt drinking the wrong drink or standing alone around strangers in a bar, or walking to far from the bunch of us, or crossing the road without looking. I love him. I wish I could hug him and say that - but he's not the type. Instead, I silently wish that he knows I appreciate his being there. Him making sure I get home safe and not saying let's go home because he's tired. And then there are two unexpected carers. Who I'm not friends friends with but live close to and they are my classmates. We don't sit and have chats or call each other. But they are there too, like helping me host the party, pitching in large amounts for beer, helping out with the cleaning later - they didnt have to, but they were there. And I appreciate that.

Tonight there's a Keg Party between our class and the second years. It's a competition apparently, with 20 each from both sides. I'll be going, lots of assignments but I hope to get one done right now and then work all Sunday. I can't wait to take pictures and just watch.

Love,

Networking 101

2009-08-20T18:57:00.003-04:00

Ola! (Is that how you say hello in Spanish? Because I can't speak a word of it even though I am supposed to be fluent in the language by April 2010. Spain. Or Mexico. Mexico will cost half of what Spain will. And it will open doors to the the whole of South America for me - an emerging market full of grand business opportunities.

A lot has happened since I last posted. Today, after two weeks of a roller coaster ride, and a few days after a terribly hectic birthday (I had an accounting final the next day) I feel I can relax and have the fact that I am now 23 years old sink into me. I have had a terribly hard time for two weeks - the studying, the terribly humid and hot weather of the South, the walking, the fever/flu that's been around that I caught, the terribly long assignments - and today, I can breathe. I love every second of my life here. I won't lie - my past haunts me, it creeps up often. I get upset, it gets overwhelming and I fight depression. But I have friends to help me through. True, loneliness happens a lot. I guess it's the human condition - I want to be hugged and held - and just appreciated for all I've achieved and who I am. But I won't go there. I won't date. I guess that's not me - yet. It will happen when the time is right. I am glad though that I have friend who I can talk to about anything and everything.

After two hectic weeks and a terrible flu fever, I slept well last night. And for once we didn't have a gazillion case readings due for the next day. I am 23. I have done my Bachelors in Law and am now doing my Masters in International Business from the university ranked second for International Business. Can't say which, don't guess out loud please. I have a world of opportunities open to me. We see lecturers and company representatives from all over the world who tell us how lucky and elite a bunch of us 90 people are. I am honoured. I did work hard to get here. I am working hard to stay here. And I will continue to work hard to be extraordinary. I am going to learn Spanish in Spain next year. I will then learn Portuguese on the side. I struggle sometimes yes, becuase it gets really hard, especially when the depression drains me, but I will get through. I was selected as Student Ambassador for my Program for the next two years - it's a lifetime job really. I will have to do a bit of traveling and presentations at seminars but I will get to meet people the country over and even all over the world via Internet. So yes, I am glad I got selected. I am also glad that I got the Work Study I applied for. Only 10 of us did. It's not enough to pay tuition but it's good for saving. I initially applied for work under a professor in the Marketing Dept. because that's my field of interest but got the job in Mngt. Sciences with a great MHR (Human Resources) professor. He is really nice. I met him today and I can not thank God enough because he has all the contacts - he is the binger of jobs!! And I get to work for him - hell, I'd work for him even if I wasn't getting paid. I'm happy you guys. Really happy.

Ever since the Program started everyone's been partying a lot. I stopped two Thrusadys ago. I love socializing and making friends. It's networking, it's imperative. But last Thursday got pretty rowdy. I don't drink and I don't grind, I also don't appreciate being groped. I don't tae boys home for random sex; I don't judge those who do but this is me. And I appreciate how my class respects that and shows me a nice time despite my stark sobriety at 1 am. It's fun to watch them drunk, but last time, I was out of it, grinded a little more than I should have, had too much fun...and felt pretty crappy. But I can't just camp in. I must mingle. These people are my job sources and hell, I'm nt anti-social and can not allow myself to become so. Tomorrow's Friday, I'll go out - after two weeks, and have fun while keeping myself in check.

We had a seminar on Networking and how important it is. I agree. And how 60% of people get jobs through socialising and interacting. Grades are important but secondary. I feel I'm on the right track. I think I'll buy me some nice corporate wear as a treat for getting the work grant and before I meet all these execs. I'm looking forward to Ambassadorial duties, can not waiot to visit schools like Harvard and Yale. I even made a profile on LinkedIn, psyched! It's all about Networking and I'm all for it! LinkedIn, if you don't know about it (because I didnt), is the Facebook of the Corporate World, it all goes down there.

P.S. Before I am 24, with hope, I will have learned Spanish and basic Portuguese, have a lifetime corporate connection with atleast two professors, secured a dream internship. 25, the degree itself and a kick-ass job. And someone I want to cuddle with.

Loving the challenge,

Time Of My Life

2009-08-01T18:41:00.002-04:00

I'm still here. I'm ok. I'm better than ok, I'm wonderful. I have no complaints with life. It's been a month since my last post and it seems it's been years since I've been living this life - all the pain and misery feels so far away, disconnected.

Needless to say, I miss nothing from back home, worse..or maybe better, I miss no one. I have had the darndest luck to get the best roommates as well as neighbours. I have a very difficult exam tomorrow and this summer semester is very very demanding - yes, I do struggle to keep up. I'm a lazy Pakistani with lazy habits. I can't cook, but I am getting by splendidly. Sometimes my roommates cook fabulous food and sometimes my neighbours. We are three girls upstairs, two boys downstairs - and my loves, two boys next door - and we're all in the same program. We walk to school together, we walk back from parties together and they take care of me. I have learnt to be independent to a certain degree, with the budgeting and doing groceries and getting office work, parer work done.

The semester system is so different from what I'm used to - for me, it was the British system, noting counted except the final exam at the end of the year, in this system, every assignment, every test counts towards one's final grade. I've had 4 subjects up until now, two were a breeze for me because they were all about business strategy and developing countries and two are very mathematical - thus the struggle, but I'm managing. One roommate is the popular girl, she knows about all the parties and is always on the go, the other is very smart and studious, so really, I feel I get the best of both worlds - I never miss out on the fabulous parties and when I'm overwhelmed by concepts I have someone kind enough to explain them to me. My neighbour is my best friend here - him and his dog. I was always averse to dogs, except my own, but now it's come to the point that I don't mind (a few selected) dogs licking my hand or my feet or sitting in my lap.

I'm a fairly religious person at heart, in the sense that God is always the reason, always at the forefront in my mind - on my journey He is the reason; whch is how I found my best friend. I was struggling with myself and my values - it does get fairly difficult to hang on to the no drinking, no grinding, no hook ups, no revealing clothes stance - and he was right there. Our religions are different but our belief in God the same. I can talk to him when my past bothers me, when nightmares catch up or when my anxiety disorder comes into play. Also, I try to keep the fact that he's heartbreakingly goodlooking and humble, out of my mind (my crush on him is cute/hilarious at the same time).

I love everyone in the program - the smartest people from the most diverse backgrounds, all in one class. I feel privileged to know each and every one of them, and they feel the same. We have bonded surprisingly well and look out for eachother, I have heard that it's not the case all the time. A few of the guys are married and their wives are fabulous friends. Everyone respects and understands eachothers culture fairly well. No one has pushed me to drink, not once. They love to joke, but they all look out for me. Everyone's wonderful. I cannot see the bad right now. The good is so good that the bad has been blocked out. I'm happy. I can't thank God enough. I sometimes get sad about it all being over, but that's me being silly, because this really is the start of a fabulous life - life will be what I make of it. I get along with people well, I am good at networking - I feel that is my strength and I'll take it from there. I no longer feel like I have to be anti-social, closed up in my shell - I can breathe.

I have so much to write, I want to write about every detail of every day - I wish I could, but I do not have the time. This program is highly rigorous and it's a struggle to get by. The only unwinding is the parties all weekend and it's funny, but even though I never get hungover, I feel as shitty in the morning because I am not used to partying for hours and hours at a time. I have a mid-term on Monday, and a class mate's birthday party tonight - I ought to get back to studying.

There may be huge breaks between my posts loves, but I remember the importance of this blog and how it and you all with your supportive comments got me through the dark times, I'm not abandoning this blog and I will, I promise I will be catching up with all your blogs. I love you guys. Thank you for being around the way you have been. :)

My First Apartment

2009-06-30T15:33:00.008-04:00

Just the title of this post has me all emotional! I know, I know, I seem to have disappeared off blogworld but really, orientation is going on and only the first week itself was crazy. I am so not used to waking up at 7 am, making breakfast, cleaning up the room, the kitchen - everything and then walking to school in the scorching heat (think Florida weather). I'm actually two shades darker than when I arrived despite the umbrellas everyone uses. Just getting all the paperwork in order and ordering books and settling into the apartment was crazy.

Needless to say, I don't miss home one bit. I love my roommates. They have been utterly kind and helpful in my learning to adapt to doing household and other tasks with them. My two roommates doorstairs are awesome. Especially J, I love him - goes to show that pre-concieved notions are never right in my case, I was thinking the guys wouldn't be genuinely nice and helpful or even decent - they're safe to walk home with at 4 am in a not safe town. Took me a while to warm up to the other guy B. I also really love the two guys next door. So it's seven of us from class next door to eachother and it's amazing, even walking to and from school itself is bearable. I had a few hard days, PMSing and becoming depressed and cranky and they were all silently supportive. As for the rest of my class I don't even go to half the parties and I'm still tired out of my mind!!!!! I don't know how the rest of them take orientation all day and party all night, not to mention the amount of alcohol they consume, I was crying yesterday trying o keep up with their energetic lifestyles!! I will definitely post more on orientation, today was community service day. I just know that I am hell busy, hell stressed and having the time of my life. I worked hard to get here and I will make the most of it. I love every part of this experience, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Now, after scrubbing the aprtment clean, getting stuff together and a little interior decorating, I am ready to post some pictures. I love this place, I hope we keep the lease for the good 2 yeras of being here and sublease during our time in Spain. Because, one I love it, it's better than any apartemnt ever hands down and two I have invested too much sweat, energy and money in it and three I love the rest of everybody around us, doorstairs, and next door both sides.

Pictures!! I hope you guys like them! I apologize for not dropping by blogs lately, I'm out of my mind busy, I've gotten an extension on two assignments and I finally find time to do it and here I am..posting pictures :S We have a really cute balcony, bought second hand wrought iron furniture and spray painted it. I ended up spray painting my feet too and it took a bottle of nailpolish remover to get it out! The first picture is a view from my room, it has two huge windows so lots of light..something I need, lol and the second picture is very random but the sinks in the bathrooms are like this, how neat is that?! I've never seen sinks so beautiful! The third picture is the patio furniture after we painted it and accessorized it and the fourth and final is our dining area next to the kitchen. I really want to put pictures of every corner of the place up but I guess privacy is sill important and safety...anonymity ofcourse. But I love the place :D

Love, love, love!

Character Building

2009-06-22T15:46:00.004-04:00

Ok...let me start by saying WOW. The last few days since Saturday have been crazy. Crazy busy, crazy hectic, crazy crazy. crazy tiring, crazy tiring and crazy filthy. I moved into my apartment yesterday. It's the upper floor of a house built in 1911, it's historic really. My uncle and brother dropped me here and when we walked in I was sooo excited to see the place. everything looked amazing. Everything. The antuque furniture, the white linen curtain all vintage style, the old wooden flooring, the old chandeleirs - everything. They settled me in, bought me a gazillion supplies (God bless them) and left. After a while of sitting in my room and smiling I realized....wait, things seem wrong. I was the first one out of three girls to have arrived. The apartment was FILTHY. Filthy kitchen, filthy floors, filthy closets, filthy toilet - filthy curtains, filthy everything. Now, I'm crazy allergic to dog hair and dogs. And there seemed to be bucketloads of long white dog hair everywhere. My roommate from Germany arrived a few hours later and at first there was lots of excitement and catching up and looking at our rooms. You know, it's crazy but all three of us found rooms according to our individual tastes. I have the one with the most vintage mirrors and three walk-in closets (!!!) and my roomie from Germany has a Eurpean style 5 windows apartment.

But seriously, the first night, even though we went out to meet some of the class at a restaurant, coming back and tryng to sleep in a stinky, filthy house made me cry. I wasn't crying because it was my first night alone, I was very happy, to say the least...but the place was so dirty. The landlady said the previous tenants had a dog who 'pooped alot'. I would look at my floor and wonder whether the brown stuff is dog poo. The bathroom....welll, the sink had become yellow and had varoius brown things stuck in it....and how about I not explain the shower area and the toilet. I will sue the landlord and lady if I get a fungal infection, I kid you not. It was an extreme violation of health code. The night was terrible. I comtemplated running to the Marriott tow blocks down, booking a room, showering ten times, burning my clothes and catching the next flight back home. I had a severe allergic reaction by 2 am. My arms, my back, my neck, my cheeks and a little of my tummy - burning red spots, I'd scratch and I'd bleed. I only had one anti-allergenic cream and I kept applying it to no avail. I had no phone, no internet and no idea when I get student health insurance that I had paid for just a day before. I was screwed. I wrote two emails in Word: one to the girl who saw the apartment, bitching her out nicely and the other to my friend. I have them and it's amazing how they are because we cleaned the whole place up.

Here's an excerpt from the email:

"The apartment is really nice. It's just.....really, really dirty. Like insanely? I write at 2 am in a state of panic. The internet only seems to work sometimes..but that is fixable. There is dog hair everywhere and I have rashes everywhere now. I thought that once a tenant moves on, before that out of polite courtesy the place is cleaned...but they claimed they had cleaned it up (from God knows where) and they seems so damn nice, nothing could be said. I am going to wait for morning..wonder when shops open and go get a decent scrubber/mop and some strong disinfectant to clean the place. The toilet is really really dirty. There was concentrated piss on the seat. I was handling it fine and putting p with it until I got up right now and looked in the mirror - the back and arms and tummy and legs and soon face are full of red pimples, I honestly didnt think the situation would be so bad but everywhere I look there is dog hair and that smell and the landlady said the previous tenants had a dog that shit everywhere. So the wooden flooring which is very dirty seems to have once had dog shit on it according to the lady."

In the morning me and my roomie who is thankfully also a clean-freak decided we must talk to the landlord. He was awfully nice but damn, this was not on. We went over to their place and I showed them my allergic reaction, it was pretty obvious. And that the place is insanely dirty. We werent sure how he would clean it, I mean only a cleaning company could clean THAT mess. So me and roomie got to it, walked a few blocks, got the strongest disinfectant we could find and brought it back. Scrubbed the living daylights out of the place and throughout I kept telling myself this is character building. When it came time to scrub down the toilet, to scrub out the dog poop, I told myself it was character building. Fuck, seriously, the landlord and a man who works for him mopped our floors with bleach and did the kitchen but everything else from light switches to doorknobs to furniture to the linen curtains, we did. And I know, I know, by law it was his problem but seriously we have the cheapest closest and best deal to school. It's a whole floor in a hugeee house. There's a garden and gazebo in the back. It's beautuful. Anyway, I cried, I died, I survived. My allergies havent gone yet, it'll take a month or two perhaps and weekly or daily mopping the room to recover. It was so bad you guys. I'm not being prissy. I know, for a girl who's always seen cleanliness and never done anything it might sound like I'm exaggerating but my roomie agreed with me. But hot damn, it LOOKS BEAUTIFUL NOW!

In the evening we went for a walk and to visit our Indian classmates who had invited us for tea. First we were feeling all jealous thinking maybe they might have a better deal or a better place than us but reallyy...when we went into their place, and they were paying double....it was like a box with seeepage and stink...and in a building with just a small apt. My goodness...when we came home, we looked at the place with brand new eyes. I'll post pictures soon. But the weather is so extreme and walking a mile uphill to school isn't easy, I almost collapsed today. Also, I forgot my anxiety meds somewhere - not cool, not at a time like this but I'm so busy and exhausted all the time, I have no time to be stressed or anxious.

My other roomie just arrived. And she's pretty awesome too. We're going to have the best place out of alll the class, lol, I feel better now. After the shit I cleaned/went through I cant wait for roomie-two to get everything in order so we can throw a party. Yay!!!

I LOVE IT! And really, if I can clean this apartment and not chicken out, I can do anything.

The American Dream

2009-06-17T08:38:00.004-04:00

What is the general American dream? A house, a car (SUV/pick up truck more like), a job, a family, a dog and a good retirement package. Life is pretty much complete when you have these things. My American dream does not come close to this. I'm finally getting to live in this country for a good two years. I always wanted the freedom and I fought so hard for it. I appreciate every minute of it.

My American dream is coloured by my outsider's perspective on things. I come from a very different culture. Pakistani, to be specific. Even during my long visits to the US, I lived the Pakistani lifestyle, with my mom around to do everything for me. I hardly found things different. My clothes were always washed, ironed and hanged in my closet; breakfast, lunch and dinner was served on the table upon request and the only thing I had to do during my travels was well...I don't know, nothing different really, maybe walk more and sit in cabs. I find the oddest things fascinating as a result. Many concepts and practices are new to me. Living alone, for one. I have yet to go to my place close to unviersity over the weekend. Right now I'm at my uncle's but since my mother is not around...there is a slight change. I'm grateful that change didn't hit me in the face all at once, that I can get over my jetlag comfortably in a house and around people I am familiar with. The first two days I nearly starved and was thirsty. Tap water doesn't suit me because of it's high-chlorine content, it makes me sick. And in the US people usually drink tap water. At least in this State. The uncle I am staying with is a diet freak and as a result has nothing to munch on and nothing except tap water to drink in the house. Semi frozen Pakistani food is so bad I would rather starve. We finally went shopping last evening and I bought myself sustenance and bottled water.

I have been waking up at 6 am every morning and it's usually drizzling or quite dewy at that time, it's when I prefer to take my much loved walks around the neighbourhood. It's a very nice, safe and green neighbourhood with the American dream having been realized on every doorstep. I haven't been here in spring or summer and the lush greenery is absolutely beautiful and very much like it is back home in Pakistan. There's something though, about this country that makes it all so much more green and fresh and clean. I guess it's the newness of the country in itself that does the trick.

I finally did my grocery shopping, something I had admittedly been 'wondering' about. I webcammed with my aunt and mother, something that has become a 24/7 kind of practice and they explained many things to me like, when you get a frying pan, get the 8 to 10 inch one, with a light handle, prefereably not steel. Don't get the coated one, the coating peels and often mixes with the food. Get one with a heavy base, so that the sides don't get burned and food gets equally heated and that there is less chance of me burning it. It took a while to look for this at the local Walmart but because I knew exactly what I was looking for, I didn't pick up the wrong thing. My uncle was there to guide me too and I'm grateful for that. I also needed a saucepan of the same specifications for tea, soup etc. I'm super excited that rather than buying these things individually for 50 plus dollars, I found an amazing set 4 on sale for $30. This, in turn, makes me excited to learn to cook for myself and I finally took the initiative to make breakfast for myself today and I did a great job. I had previously been making puppy faces at my uncle (step-dad) to make it for me.

I was concerned about how I will budget and save in the US but with amazing deals and the economic slump, things are so cheap. I had to buy a suit for my orientation at university and I was given a $300 budget..and online researching was proving it hard to find one within that range. Thanks to sales, I saved up to $200. I'm hoping it keeps working out this way. I shudder to convert dollars into Pakistani rupees in my head.

My American dream is simple and probably any student's dream. I want to be able to finance myself after about two semesters. I want to work part-time. More than that, I'm aiming for an assistantship with one of the professors. If I can get that, I can get a place in a safer neighbourhood than I will be at right now which is close to downtown and not safe at all, and a car. But one dream at a time. The first one is the assistantshp or some form of income. Many students do it and I hope to do it too. I am quite excited about competition in University and maintaining a perfect GPA. I hope to be friends with everyone rather than conform to a group. And I hope to start working on getting my dream internship from day one. I want to max out this opportunity I worked so hard to get. I will not waste it no matter how hard the lifestyle or studying gets.

Yes, there is a lot to learn. Self-sustainance. Doing my groceries right. Cleaning up. Cooking. Doing my own laundry. Being responsible for my own safety. Paying bills. Challenging studies. But I am very excited and I hope to learn all these things pretty fast. The oddest things fascinate me. I happen to be a neat freak and I have worried incessantly about how I will keep my room, the kitchen and the shared bathroom always clean. While I was doing my groceries I realised there are now so many ingenoius and hassle-free quick ways to do so effectively. I honestly thought it would be a pain. The two things on my grocery list I am happiest about are the cooking ware set and lol, the 'Swiffer Sweeper' - it's just so cute and colourful and effective (I read reviews on youtube, I am truly a sad creature). So now, I don't have to worry about floors or walls or windows *bliss*. As for dishes, I ruined my french manicure in two days of washing them (why doesn't my uncle use his dishwasher!!?) and I have bought gloves so I have that covered too.

As long as I keep finding ordinary and odd things fascinating, I will be just fine :)

Happy,

Arrival

2009-06-16T02:29:00.006-04:00

It just occurred to me that I've never been to the laundry room in my house in Pakistan and thus have never seen a washing machine in action. Why are there so many buttons? Like sorting clothes and putting them in the machine wasn't complicated enough?!

I made it here by the way. It's 3 am on my second night at my Uncle's in SC. The journey was a nightmare - to put it mildly. My neck has terrible pain in it and I can't turn it right. Also, the jetlag is causing me dizzy spells which I can't wait to get over. The 14 hour flight was bad in itself but it was great that I had my brother who I could use as a human cushion any way I pleased. I saw 3 movies...the only one I remember is Marley & Me. It so happens that on flights I become super-emotional watching movies. I cried my head off in this movie, I feel it has truly changed me. I was sleeping with my head on my brother's shoulders and I had made my mom watch the movie too. So we were both crying with my brother in the middle - he's disturbed now. I want a dog. If only they didn't poo. The 6 hour stay was torturous too but not as torturous as the final 2 hour drive home. I just dove into bed and woke up after 8 solid hours. It was the first time in a long time that I felt so sick on a flight - I almost threw up. The landing was so bad especially when the descent starts 40 mins before landing - 40 minutes of holding the air sickness paperbag over my face was not my idea of fun, obviously.

I would like to state that I am very proud of myself to have become an expert at public toilets. Where previously I would remain uneasy and fussy wondering what disease I might have caught, this time was as good as going to the bathroom at home. And believe me, half my independence has come to me just by learning this art. Well, I haven't been to a super-dirty bathroom yet and I hope I never do, but I have significantly improved. Even going to the bathroom in the plane was a piece of cake...even though I took insanely long in there...but hey, good for the next passenger who went in, it was squeeky clean thanks to me, lol.

I am also glad that I know most people at Washington Dulles. It's finally a familiar place with familiar people working there. I used to be very scared of it back in December. I wonder if I've blogged about my previous experiences there but I definitely have a draft email on my Gmail account about my frightening experience. Ater hearing all sorts of strange stories I used to constantly feel like I'll get deported for visiting. I said goodbye to my mother at Washington, she'll now see me in two months for a week. She cried a lot. I worry for her because she becomes too sad without me around. But what can I do, this is a must.

First chance I got, I went for a walk. It was drizzling and the summer here is a cup of tea compared to a summer in Pakistan. I love walks, love , love love!! And I can finally take walks as much and whenever I please. I'll have to get sunscreen ofcourse, I can't feel the sun doesn't mean it isn't on me. I am reconsidering my stance on not wearing shorts, lol...I feel so restricted in long pants or jeans. It's only been a day and I'm reconsidering, lol, but no, I know I wouldn't. Capris is as far as I go. I really need to go suit shopping. I have to wear one on my orientation. Oh and my first day here I won myself an HP LaserJet printer, it's hilarious. I filled a form at the airport to get software information and it was something that doubled as a coupon. I got a call in the morning that I'll have the printer within 5 days! Hilarious. The land of free things. I needed a printer anyway and I never would have invested in one. My pre-course assignments are coming along well and I got a few extra credits. I'm aiming for an assitantship. I really hope I get one.

I leave for my apartment on the weekend. My roommate from Germany will also be arriving then. I won't feel like I'm here until I have truly been left to my own devices. I look forward to everything. Tomorrow I'm going to go meet the neighbours who I got to know on my last trip and after that go get the essentials from the mall.

Oh, I also have to write my toothbrush story. Too sleepy to do so right now but I shall :) Also, I need a new blog with less to no personal/heavy stuff and more international student experiences and views as well as opinionatory writing on all I study. And I know just the person who'll design it for me :)

Love from the New World,

Predeparture Ponderings

2009-06-12T16:45:00.004-04:00

It's my last night in my room. The day was spent at my cousin's engagement and the evening and night packing and entertaining last minute friends and family. I'm notoriously overweight. But I'm hoping my uncle will carry at least 15 kgs and not throw it out the air plane window; he seems to be in a rather perilous mood since he saw the increase in my tuition. Not that he talks to me lately. He doesn't even acknowledge my presence. He doesn't love me like a daughter after all. I guess only a real father's a father. I guess only parents can forgive you for your indiscretions and errors. Only they can see through the anger and rebelliousness and recognize their child. He no longer recognizes me. The fight to leave...to be free, if only just for a while has taken a toll on this forever falling apart family.

I have cleaned up my room, picked up and locked away all items dear to me lest an aunt or someone staying in my room decides to swipe a leather bag here or a MAC eyeshadow palette there. But my room's hardly empty. It's still full of all my possessions, many I have been attached to for years. I take my teddy bear with me of course, can't imagine a night without it. But apart from it and my laptop there isn't much else so dearly personal. I have a bad habit of attaching myself to things: things never let me down. But I realize you can only always take what you can carry. You can only keep forever what you can carry. I'm slightly mad at myself for going overboard with the clothes, I've bought far too many clothes. It's something that has been my problem forever but my parents never limited my clothes budget so I never realized. In college I spent three years not repeating clothes for 6 months at a time. And I'm taking an insane amount of clothes. If there's something I will stop myself from doing once abroad: not buy clothes.

My precious legal books remain in their book shelf. My mom promised that she'll turn the bookshelf around if the need arises, that is, if someone stays in my room and decides to go through my books. My books are in pristine condition. The rest of my darling books, my novels are in a chest where I hope to God termites don't eat them in the years of my absence. I have learn't that I will never accept as a present, a book. I thought a book would be a perfect present for me but I was mistaken. Often, the giver of the book becomes irrevocably attached to the book. My friendly neighbourhood stalker once gave me a book from my favourite author, a book I had been pining for for months but could not find. When he actually became a stalker...I could not bring myself to continue reading the book. Pity.

I will miss this bed, it's been mine since I was eight years old. I will miss this haven of mine, this room where I was free to be me when I couldn't even take a walk outside. I look forward to walks, I so love walks. I will miss my peacock feather box, my wicker box with all my cds in it. I'll miss my photo albums, my precious photo albums. There is so much I am taking and yet there is so much I cannot take. I worry you see about whether I'll come back or not.

It'll be hard because I'll have to make up for the increase in tuition fees and in all honesty I have never earned out of necessity. I have never even budgeted. I promised I'd learn how to cook but all I can make is pizza. That too, theoretically. I should have learn't how to fry/boil an egg. That would get me started at the very least. The transition from doing nothing to doing everything will be tough but I am looking forward to it. It's rather ridiculous how dependant I am at 22. The making and saving money part has me worried. Getting an assistantship or a placement on a research project has got me worried. The competition has me worried. I want to do very well. The semester sysytem has me worried. I've always followed the British system, the American system is constantly demanding. I want the internship where I want it. I have to study hard in order to get it. I know what I want career-wise, but I also know it's harder than it seems just like leaving. As much as I have fought to leave and am happy to leave on this journey...it's also hard, it feels like I'm tearing out my roots. I'm 22, but time is passing and I have much to do, muc to achieve in a short time, both on a personal and professional level. Things won't be handed to me in a silver platter - I know that, and I hope I don't forget it! It's a rat race. But I really hope to get what I want slow and steady. I am dedicated to it.

It's my last night in this room. I feel I'm repeating myself. I probably am. I'm taking my girl cousins out in the morning, thought a massage treat would do me good and let me get them something we can share a memory of. Yes, there is much I will miss. I'll surely blog about it. I might not blog till I'm in the US, but I just might. If not, well...then step one of my journey has happened. Hard work has paid off (this is something that deserves a whole post in itself!).

Leaving home,

Thanks for the Memories

2009-06-11T15:49:00.004-04:00

I had guests over and my room was over taken by hormonal teenage girls crushing on my brother. Disturbing really. But I agree when he says it's more disturbing for him. Because of these guests I am three days behind in my packing and other miscellaneous last minute chores...like closing bank accounts (in case I don't come back). I leave day after tomorrow. I am getting unnerved. And I just realized I missed my anxiety pills for two days...no wonder I'm going crazy.

I left lots of chores to the last minute and since we only have two cars...one in the use of my uncle constantly, the rest of us are left fighting over the one. My tailor messed up my clothes pretty badly, a scenario I should have kept in mind. Damage control: I got a tailor to sit at home these last two days who has made up a little for the damage the pother tailor did. Today was a rough day. I slept late and woke up early to explain things to the tailor. Went to the bank the close one account and was told it's closed today due to 'political uncertainty'. Life, I tell you. Then other girly things had to be done. I am a girl you know. Manicures, pedicures and a few other things...I doubt I'll be able to afford such luxuries in the US. It's a way of life here in Pakistan, just go get a massage or a facial or a manicure and pedicure. I doubt it works that way in the US. And I refuse to pay $20 to get my eyebrows 'waxed'. Seriously. I get them 'threaded' at the best place in town in under $1. So yes. Eyebrows. Ugh. And cooking. I'm off-topic...

So yes, in all these chores and things I managed to take time out for the farewells that mattered. I met Kenny. I've never mentioned him have I? I love him like family, better even. We don't talk and we don't have much in common except the whole of the past 6 years. It's hard to have a conversation with him because we operate on different levels. We're very very different, especially intellectually. It's like he's still 17, just as I met him 6 years ago. He's terrible when it comes to sane adult discussion, a fact that pisses me off immensely. I think he just started his Bachelors..despite being my age. I can't blame him, it's how he was raised. But it doesn't stop him from being the one guy in the world who I feel instantly at ease with. I met him today, after a year...and it felt like I had met him yesterday and the day before. I spent 8 hours a day with him every day. I'd study in his car and skip class. Hell, I lived in his car. He was my link to sanity. He left for England and those 8 hours that I used to spend with him were then spent at home with family, or at school. And I broke down. I hated it. Clinical depression set in. I'm not saying it was because of him, I'm saying that while he was around...I lived in a world other than reality. He spoilt me silly in the name of friendship. I can say today with complete and utter faith that while my brother would hesitate in taking a bullet for me, Kenny wouldn't. Life is odd. He wasn't like a brother, he wasn't my lover and he wasn't just a friend. I have no idea where he fits into my life but he has contributed immensely to some of the greatest memories I have ever made. Where as I'd forget his birthday which was very close to mine, might I add, he would plan mine. When I'd spend Valentine's helping my friends out and personalizing presents (I'm super creative like that), he'd hang with me. When I was crazy about cars, he made sure I drove the cars I wanted. And all this he did, carrying the responsibility, the immense responsibility of my safety, my reputation, and my parents or relatives finding out. I have no idea why he is so selfless...and he has no ulterior motive. He's just happy when I'm happy, it's as simple as that. So I met him. Today. And he told me all these things and I was in awe. I have never had him behave so mature. A huge lecture of course. On how to be careful and how silly and naive I am. And then about all my past troubles, all the times I lost hope and yet here I am, leaving. Getting what I wanted so badly it hurt to breathe.

It was nice to remember old times. I met his cousins and our common friends. We even played Bluff on the haunted house hill as we used to back in the day - sneak out of school and play. When I'd have exams I'd sit in his car and study while the others played. I'm lucky that I had a guardian angel like him for those years..especially the first 4 years. If I wanted to party he'd take me. If someone tried to come on to me, he'd handle it. If I wanted to dance on the table, I did. And no one dared to mess with me. The only time I've even seen him angry is when I had alcohol behind his back, he picked me up and threw me in the car and dropped me home. Didn't speak to me for a whole week. When I wanted to have a boyfriend and have sex like everyone else..when I wanted to give up on my values, he stopped me. I owe him a lot. I am so glad I met him one last time. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. In two years he'll be God knows where and I'll be God knows where. And we won't be kids who can risk meeting up the way we do, it's forbidden by my family and his. It's Romeo and Juliet I tell you, just we don't have feelings for each other, lol, we're just soul friends. He once saved me from Stalker 1. Literally saved me. He was in England at the time of Stalker 2...and I still can't forgive him for not being around. ut he acknowledges the fact that I never learnt what was important because of him. I never learnt to take care of myself. He did it for me. And I agree. I thought nothing could hurt me and that life was perfect when he was around because I knew that he'd get me out of any mess, hell, he'd make sure I don't get into a mess. I was once with two of my friends driving. I was 18 and car crazy. I was going too fast and out of nowhere a Vigo hit me. The car swerved into the pavement and flipped three times till it hit the wall. The wall fell on the car. He was there in less than 10 mins. All I had to do was dial his number and say, Help. The glass had shattered. The car was deshaped. I was fine, I had braced myself but I was in shock. I had to be home in an hour. I could not be caught driving a car alone around town with two girls. My parents would have beaten me silly, my family reputation would go down the drain. Before anything, he got us out, made sure we were cleaned up, despite my friend's bloody nose and got us home looking perfect just on time. Just like we were back from swimming at the Country Club. And he would never let his friends swear in front of me, which resulted in an odd respect towards me around that bunch of guys which resulted in a network of buffoons who made me feel safe around town.

Now I look at him and wonder what conversation we would have when we hung out for so many hours. I can't converse with him. We can joke and laugh and remember old times. I can't discuss my degree or future plans with him because he doesn't get it. And that's ok. The memories are fine :) I wonder how I got good grades studying in his car when I had told my mom I'm at the school library. I could call him now..but I wont because we cant have a conversation. We have grown so apart since he left for England 2 years ago. Yet, when I hung out with him today, I was me..I was the carefree girl I was when I was 17...before life tainted me and taught me harsh lessons. I laughed like an idiot. I sat in that trusty car like it was my living room. I cried too. Happy tears. He's still the same kid. He has not changed a bit while life has changed me so much that I can only stand hanging out with him for an hour. We realised today that we never really talked much. We always had the music up. Or ran around playing pranks and being kids. How strange. I won't miss him because he isn't just a chapter in my life. He's irrevocably in it. He's family. So I can comfortably not talk to him for years or even forever, just because I am content with the fact that he was around.

Thoughts

2009-06-06T10:24:00.001-04:00

The weather today is sinful; it’s a little past dusk and the borders of the graying clouds are coloured with sunlight. The wind is cool to the skin and the birds are chirping. I’m going to miss sitting on the patio in the backyard. I love this marble table. And I love the view of the mountains in the distance from here. The new house will have my balcony facing towards the mountains just as I always wanted. Of course I’ll miss the old – this house is exactly as old as I am…but it needs to be replaced. I’ll finally have a room on the second floor and a private balcony. Maybe it’ll be done in the two years I’m away. I wonder if I’ll be content with coming back and living here. Gosh, the trees are swaying with the wind, the covered area of the patio is pretty much shielded from the wind, with only a breeze passing through.

Every winter except last winter when I was away from home, I lay a ‘charpoy’ on this patio and lay here with my back basking in the sun, it’s the perfect cure for a cold. That, and the abundance of oranges. I love oranges in winter. I'll miss the swings. Yes, these are things I’ll miss and I won’t get anywhere else in the world except on this patio right here. I wonder how much I’ll change in the next one or two years. Not much perhaps because I am now who I am, the mold is set. But I really hope I find a certain degree of peace of mind. I really hope I let go of the terrible past – of all those dreadful memories so that one day I can look back and think of that time without the pain that grips me and more importantly effects me in the present. My family is who they are, my mother is now who she is – I shouldn’t complain, she has become who she is and why complain when it will only cause me emotional inconvenience. I hope being away makes me appreciate her more. I hope I learn patience. Patience to deal with life for life has only just begun. There will be so many trials and tribulations, as there are for every one of us, I hope I learn to deal with them without breaking down or falling apart. I hope I become strong. Not weak as I currently am. Strong to put the past aside and to start afresh. Strong enough to be able to face my life, my family, my past.

I have too many hopes for the next two years. But what can we do except hope? It’s hope that got me this far. It’s only hope that’ll make me better, heal the wounds of the past. I really want to make my mom proud. From afar, but so be it. And the only way I can do that is through education. I’m going to be the youngest in class yet again. And everything will be new, but I hope to only work harder to keep up with my classmates. It’s almost dark now, and I have to get to a family farewell dinner. The wind is as strong as ever and the Maghrib aazan just started..I can hear it from the distance. It’ll soon be accompanied by various Aazans from other mosques but since childhood my ears are trained to only one of these many Aazans. I can hear and understand that one sound over the sounds of a hundred others. The birds fly to their homes. I also happen to be the only Muslim in my class. I didn’t think I’d find that odd, or that I'd contemplate over it. Oh well, it is what it is. I have a lot to learn and challenges are welcome. To be able to breathe free, wake up early and go for a run wherever my feet take me is probably going to be the greatest bliss. I ought to go inside and get ready. I really wish I could seal the memory of this weather, right now, this point in time and take it with me – vivid as it is.

Love,

Fingerprints

2009-06-03T17:14:00.005-04:00

Sorry, no part deux of my mother's story for now. I simply cannot go there, I don't have the temperament for it and trust me, I need to be in a certain state of mind for the rest of the story. I don't want to force out a half-hearted account of the rest of her life. Plus, I'm not really feeling the love right now despite the fact that I almost started crying in the car while going to the doctor with her. I can't really explain what I felt, I just..for some irrational reason wanted to hug her and tell her to not set her hopes on me - I really don't want her to live through me..as one of you said in the previous post's comments. I want to live my life.

Well, my shrink/family doctor/uncle said I could reduce the amount of anxiety meds I take once I get away from my family...and leave them by 2010; my mom was sitting there. She went into her little world of denial where life is but a dream and started telling him I have anxiety because I couldn't go to England for my Masters two years ago when I got the scholarship - LOL. Really mom? You think THAT'S what fucked me up?! After the amount of money you've paid to get me treated, to hae me analyzed, you think this? Ofcourse she doesn't. She knows everything, she was just trying to protect the family name as she always tries to do infront of others. I love this doctor though, he's so matter-of-fact about things. He asked me in all seriousness about whether my heart rate increases around my mother or if I hear her voice or if she calls, it was one of those questions I never asked myself. It does. I get anxiety at the mere thought of her. I feel guilty...no, actually I don't. Noone can take what life has made her. I can't. I'm sorry. I can't. And this fact kills me inside myself - that I have to be away from her to get better and at the same time feel onstant guilt for being away from her. I really should write part deux to my previous post, you guys probably think I'm evil, cold and heartless. I'm a tad bit dramatic, yes, but I'm afraid I'm a sucker. Sucker love, really...like in that song, Every you, every me by Placebo.

This post has no direction whatsoever. I'll just take it where my fingers take it. Have to get the Immunization form filled. All sorts of vaccinations and tests, my mom's had everything done of course except for the STD prevention vaccines, I mean hello, why do I need to get it done? Can't I just tell them I don't do..it. Gosh, that sounds wrong, I don't know why. My mom says I don't need those vaccines. What if I do? LOL. Well....by saying that I do, she'll assume I want to do it. What do I assume by saying I want to get the vaccines? I am so confused. Why do I want them anyway? Yea, I shouldn't get it done, I am protected because I don't do it. It's like wearing a chastity belt really. Because after reading on the form about the STDs I can get from people, I'd rather lock it and swallow the key. Not really. See? Confused. I've had a few fellow students from my region of the world ask me certain personal questions. I never pry int anyone's business, why do people pry into mine? Why do they want to know whether I drink or hook up?! I think such questions are inappropriate but only people/sleaze from my part of the world can be so low as to ask such blatantly personal questions, that too on google chat, not having personally met. I won't say I don't like attention from men, I've always secretly enjoyed it, but can't they admire me in a decent fashion? One day, I'm going to marry a man who loves me even if I go bald or if I don't look nice, or if I look and dress like shit. I forget..you can't clap with one hand, lol, you need the other.

I downloaded some SERIOUSLY kick-ass software. Can't do that in the U.S. and I don't want to pay for software - never have, never will. I wonder of they record federal warnings..I've had three. They can't possibly take torrenting so seriously. American authorities are so serious, pff. Any how, iLife'09, iWork'09, Aperture, Toast Titanium, Parallels and more than half my course books. I probably saved myself a good 3000$. How cool am I? I should go tell my mom. I love her. Please never doubt THAT people. I'm probably going to have to buy original Vista.....I can't risk screwing my whole laptop over. I'm going to miss torrenting once I'm in the U.S. I'm going to complain about a lot of things and miss things I couldn't fathom missing, like beggars...not really.

I have nothing more to write...for now. But I'm in a very bloggy mood. Expect lots of posts. Of nothing in particular.

Love, hugs and all that jazz,

An Ode To My Mother - Part Un

2009-05-31T14:22:00.008-04:00

It's been a long time coming, this post. But it must come, for all I've ever done on this blog is complain about her. However she may have been, whatever our turbulent past and present relationship, she has been the one who gave me life and my happiness depends directly on hers. She is my sole protector, my sole saviour. In my eyes, she has done more for me than any mother could possibly do for a child, she has suffered through my pain more than I have suffered through my own. But I won't write this post today. I will publish it so as to make sure that I write it.

In 5 hours is D-Day Two, a day that shapes an imperative step in my life. And she stands by me. But what ever happens tomorrow, I will write this post as is meant to be written - to honour an extremely brave and decent woman, I will not change a line, save that the day brought me good news or bad; the rest will be about her. About all she has done. About both our histories - irrevocably intertwined, as are our futures no matter how separated we may end up.

UPDATE: 2nd June 2009

I knew I'd have trouble getting around to writing this post - if I had not published it and if I had no comments on this post, I might have simply made it disappear, but a promise is a promise. I start this post with great difficulty, it actually might be the hardest post that I have ever ventured to write.

D-Day Two went surprisingly well. All thanks to my mother and her prayers. To have her wait for four hours in the heat outside the office in question, praying with silent tears for me despite her age and illnesses and allergy to heat...is something I never ever want to forget. When things went awry and my chances of going to university for my Masters wee severely jeopardized, it was she who cried, I just locked myself in my room and went about my business in utter numbness (troubling). My chances of going have been solidified thanks to more than two weeks of her constant staying up at night, her constant prayers, her standing up against the odds, her having to hear the men of the family berate her for 'foolish' efforts - efforts that cannot help me - and yet here I am, with nothing less than a miracle...only her hard work prayers to God got me here, to a point where I am infact going. If I could tell you details, you would agree to how much of a miracle D-Day Two's success really was.

My mother was the youngest of three sisters. Her father was a government servant who saw the making of Pakistan and was a chief electrical engineer. Most famous landmarks in this country have been wired (sorry, is that the word?) by him. He lived a simple life - conventional. The daughters went to the Convent of Jesus and Mary..a strictly all-girls school. My mother lived an incredibly sheltered life. There was education and there were a few trips abroad - rarities in the 1960's and 1950's for most people...and my grand father was adamant of education for daughters, something else that was rare at the time. He reserved engineering for his two sons but hoped that his daughters would become doctors. In my discussions with my mother about her childhood, she knew none of the things or troubles I knew, there were picnics, fruit picking on horses, frocks, ponytails and puppies - literally. She was not allowed to go to her friends places or anywhere unchaperoned, she was always accompanied by her older sisters or her mother. She tells me that she once saw a girl smoking and was shocked at what she saw - scandalized. She was even further scandalized when she saw a girl from school walking in the park with a guy who wasn't her brother. She only found out about her period when she got it and sex when she studied it in medical school. She was not allowed downstairs when her brothers' friends were over. All this is just to give you all a gist of where she comes from. A simple, innocent girl...in the true sense of the term. And I do not say this because she was my mother, I say this because this really was who she was, naive and innocent. Of course, in my world, such innocence can only get a girl badly hurt or in trouble but she was always kept safe under her family's wings.

When my father proposed for her, she had to drop out of medical school. She obediently did so and had only managed to complete her Bachelors. That in itself was a huge deal back in the 1980's. My father was an industrialist with a village background and even though my grand father had reservations about the proposal due to these facts, it was the best proposal by far. And so they said yes. My mother met my father on the engagement, her eyes constantly to the floor (in the video) and her cheeks flushed (so that's where I get that from, lol). She says her heart was about to beat out of her chest when my father said he'd put the ring on rather than let his mother, as was done in the old days. He was the first man in her life and she fell in love with him that day. I feel she would have fallen in love with him anyway, because of her sheltered life, even if he was a terrible person! They got married soon and well, my father quickly fell for her innocence. Back then, men married for children more than love..but theirs soon became the love affair of the city - he wouldn't stop from trying to kiss her in public or have her sit in his lap on parties despite my mother's embarrassed protests. Most people in that crowd did it to show-off, my father was truly happy. He often said that my mother made him the man he was. He was a successful industrialist from the village but she made him a better man. I believe that too, where most women are rude and condescending towards men as far as 'loser' qualities go...my mother was kind...she helped him with his english and with documentsa dn conferences with people from other countries, all the while maintaining a perfect balance of not overstepping his ego. She always was careful with that, I really wish I am too...I try, but I'm not as good as her.

My father spoilt her more than anything. She was a simple girl, happy with simple things, simple clothes, simple friends. She never liked the industrialist crowd and she was always reserved and graceful. I miss the grace that life took from her, she was so beautiful, you could put rags on her and she's carry them off like she's wearing silk. In our bringing up, she was always careful, she was perfect. She was perfect. The way she handled us and brought us up, it's only thanks to her that I have so many good habits...habits you only pick up in childhood. She would scour the markets for Enid Blyton and her bedtime stories were the best - always a wonderful lesson in each. When we played outside in the garden, she'd constantly keep an eye on us from the drawing room window - she never let us out of sight with the servants, never. She'd help both of us with our homework and even though my brother was her favourite as I was my father's, she never discriminated. She loved photography (she'll never give me her camera) and took a million pictures of us, a million!

The day I was born was a complete drama. No wonder my life and I am a drama. You see, I almost killed her. Let's just say I got stuck in the wrong place in the 7th month and ruptured her lung. Oh and that too on a public holiday, all hospitals were closed and doctors on leave. I'm a jem aren't I? They found a doctor of course and it came down to choosing her life or mine. My dad chose her's and she chose mine. My mom should have chosen hers, she's didn't even know what I'd grow up to be! My dad fainted when he ran into the OR (lol!!) and had to be carried out - complete drama. There was blood everywhere he says, sorry..said, past tense. I was born in the 7th month without bone structure or a skull, I was soooo ugly and I tell you, when my mom was finally able to see me with all those tubes and stuff in an incubator, she cried and said I was the most beautiful baby CATERPILLAR (I was green). How mean. Only a mother could find humour in that. Oh...yes, the story is about her..not me...I forget. I survived, by the way, in case you weren't sure.

I was born by mistake though, they had decided to take a year or two off to tour the world. It didn't stop them though, I was conceived in England apparently and born and their trip resumed after a year. My grandmother raised me for a few months until my mother couldn't stay away from me and had to come back. Paris was her favourite place - her happiest memories with my father are there - I wonder whether this has something to do with my wanting to go there/my happiness...I wonder. My father spoilt her silly. I remember I was 10 and when we'd play in their bedroom, he'd playfully pick her up, twirl her in the air and kiss her, much to our disgust. We were watching Beauty and the Beast once in our (children's) room and he walked in on the scene where the Beast was dancing with Belle - next thing you know, he drags my mom in and enacts the whole scene, it was so much fun. Happy. It was happiness. Ok....all this remembering is going to make me want to kill myself. We were perfect, the envy of everyone who knew us.

And then everything went wrong. The factories on fire. My father broke. My father running from the authorities. My father becoming an alcoholic. His aggressiveness. Another woman. Everything. And then he died..murdered and all hell broke lose. I can't write anymore...I apologize, I'll write second post to this one soon...I promise. This was the part where my mother's true story was going to start but oh well..next post.

Love,

A Date With The Married Ones

2009-05-30T15:39:00.004-04:00

I am beyond tired today...I've been cleaning out my closet...and it just won't end! I'll be posting on that later - probably a series of Cleaning Out My Closet (boring for you, interesting/worth remembering for me, yay!). I do however want to write about my date with my three married friends. One of my close friends from college got married a month or two back and we hadn't heard from her since. We all knew about how busy and challenging life gets after marriage - adjusting to a completely new life, the endless brunches and dinners, the honeymoon. She and her husband had decided on Greece last we heard and that's where we thought she was until her surprise phone call two days ago. She wanted to hang-out now that she had free time on her schedule and there a lot of things with had to 'discuss'. No you perverts, not the sex.

So we decided to have tea, see her photos and wedding video at another married friend's place. I'm so glad I agreed to meet them. I had only been hanging with my rather messed up single best friend and it was driving me nuts. I needed this. When I got there, all three of my friends had impish grins on their faces. Great. They had something instore for me - a lecture. We talked about old times, about how we'd all hang-out in the common room of our college and wonder how marriage would be. I was/am the one most worried. I was always the most scared, most pessimistic. One of my three friends thinks that I am scared rightly so, that marriage is infact a nightmare and in-laws drive you crazy...but that's because her life is tough these days. She married the guy of her choice, they'd been dating for 6 years prior to their marriage, and now she wants to jump out the window because she feels he is not the man she married. Anyhow, moving on to the most recently married friend. She had a purely arranged marriage but got to date the guy after her engagement for 9 months. I think that's fair enough: she's happy, her parents are happy. At first she had a million doubts too as do I and we'd often discuss what would become of us, how we would deliver on expectations, how we'd handle the responsibility, how we'd react to in-laws treating us in an inferior manner. All her concerns were also my concerns - and I was worried for her. I needed to talk to her, more for myself than for her. And the third friend, at whose house we were...also had a love marriage that her parents agreed to and she's happy..because she doesn't have the pressures of in-laws and she manages...she's been trying to have a baby and I feel sorry for her because of her medical issues, I hope she has a baby.

Anyhow...where was I? I so get off track, I'm soo tired! Yes, so I drooled over her phots and her wedding dress...and we gossiped after which it was all on me, the attention. But I love them...because they don't push me, they know my insecurities, they don't call me sill and they try to explain. But, lol, this time...they really went over board on trying to convince me. See, I've always had this view about men...about how they only want you for sex. No wonder I've had intimacy issues in the past. I feel that if I give in to a guy he'll no longer care, he'll have had what he wants and unfortunately that is how the masses in my region of the world think. But what corcerns and concerned me always was the AFTER sex part. What happens after? Does he stop caring? Does he just go to sleep irregardless of my feelings? How on earth will I feel after? Used? Happy? Hurt? Like I've lost something or like I've gained something? Will he hold me after? Will he love me more? Ok, you get the drift. So my friends thought that I need to SEE intimacy, actual intimacy, to prove to me that it exists. First, my recently married friend explained how nice her husband was and still is and that even though life has changed and she compromises, but so does he and that her in-laws are easier to love because he supports and loves her. I sat there in awe. So...she wasn't lying, I could see she wasn't lying. She's almost as sensitive as me....if she can be happy so can I one day.

They showed me porn. You heard me. Porn. A porn video actually. Not any of theirs, jeez. And I'm telling you, they really had to go out on a limb to find that perfect video that won't freak me out. LOL. It was.......so weird to watch it with them, or even agree to watching. And it was all eyes on me ofcourse. So yea, at first I was like...what, but it was a video of an actual couple having placed the camera somewhere...and not one of those so-called 'productions' targeted at lewd men. And I saw the whole half an hour of it...confused. It was sex alright. But it wasn't bad at all. I was waiting to be scandalized or disgusted or freaked out. I mean...they clearly really loved eachother...like really. I don't know if I'm confusing you guys by saying all this but it kind of..helped. They were right, so I saw porn but the video helped. Lol. Like...because of the love and care and cuddling (my gosh, I'm pathetic..so CLEARLY pathetic that they knew exactly what would help me, lol). But I was like wow...they love each other, not..wow, awesome moves/sex video. And that was the reaction my friends were aiming at. I bet people who watch porn wouldn't like it though. They don't go for intimacy do they? Anyhow, I don't judge..lol.

There was of course other discussion after that...unrelated to sex..and yea, thay made me hyperventilate a little...I'm so sick of this place. D-Day two approaches. I hope I get to go. I need that. I need out. I need a chance at figuring out myself...a chance at letting go of insecurities and actually believing in happiness, because if I don't believe, happiness could hit me smack in my face and I wouldn't recognize it.

I really want to put a picture up. I wonder if I should or whether it'll be recognized. Oh well for a few days perhaps....and that purple flower she got me from Turkey (they ended up going to Turkey for their honeymoon) holds a lot of meaning. Why? Because I've been looking for it in four countries for three years. And she remembered. I probably only mentioned it once. For once someone got me something meaningful. I HATE stupid presents aimed at impressing/showing how expensive their taste is, HATE. I've given away half of those sorts of presents but I wouldn't give this flower away for the world. Random oddity: I don't like real flowers. And my friend looks GORGEOUS if I do say so myself.

Because I Am (Distracted)

2009-05-26T13:42:00.005-04:00

I'm going to find this utterly amusing/relaxing. It's like a blog vacation really. And I need it before I head out to do 40 hours worth of work which I have submit at 9 am on the 1st. The 1st is also D-Day Two. It's that time of the month and if I told you about the things I'm thinking you'd think I have a multiple personality disorder, or need to have it.

Fashion Pet Peeve(s)?
It used to be people wearing stuff from last season, but since I've realigned myself considerably to be fashion forward and NOT an addict, I'd say fake designer wear which is so very OBVIOUSLY fake. Shit, I've changed. I don't really have a peeve - to each his own. But when I don't like someone (and you really need to make me hate you for that!) I rip them apart, in terms of criticizing their sense of fashion/style.

What is your favorite piece of clothing you own?
I like a lot of clothes I own. I can't decide. It would be fair if you asked for a top 10.

Which color dominates your wardrobe?
Every color, literally. I've taken as odd liking towards dark dull yellow though. I want more.I once dared to make parrot green look good. I long to become my daring self, I find it too irrelevant though. So much change..

Favorite designer?
Like Nashe said, what kind of sick question is this?

What is your dream job?
A contracts manager for a specific oil-field services company that lets me work my brains off, argue, and travel the world. I'm getting there...one step at a time. I swear, that work is my dream.

Who do you want to meet in person?
This guy I know.

What's your favorite type of music?
Alternative. Everything actually. In rock, Nickelback, otherwise Lifehouse, Keane, Hinder, Katy Perry, Mika, OneRepublic, The Fray...you get the drift. I like Britney Spears too, and I'm not ashamed.

What are you listening to right now?
This Is The Last Time - Keane

What would make today special?
A surprise phone call from someone who isn't going to call tonight. But it would make today quite special.

What is your all time favorite perfume?
VS - Love Spell. Nothing beats that, trust me. NOTHING.

What is your favorite make up brand?
Bare Escentuals, MAC, Urban Decay, The Body Shop. My skin reacts to most others quite unfavourably, so I don't even try.

Any favorite models?
I don't like this question because 1. I never considered it and 2. it seems to irritate me because he's NOT a model and 3. why did this make me think of him? I guess I just need a reason, lol.

If you could be or look like anyone in the world, who would it be?
Myself at 18. God, I had the perfect figure. So yea, me minus 10 pounds.

Favorite comfort food?
Anything densely chocolate-fudge or sweet vanilla.

What would you like to have in your hands right now?
An AF Nikkor 14mm f/2.8D lens...a girl can dream.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Orange, no topping.

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Somewhere exotic. Now that depends on what I find exotic. Spain, lately.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Just an hour? That's too little (I'm obviously not wanting to answer this).

What is your favorite weather?
Sunny but without the unbearable heat. Sunny with cool wind. Coastal.

What would you like to learn to do?
Be truly independent in every way.

Which language do you want to learn?
I wanted to learn French but since my Pakistani teacher screwed it up for me, I don't plan on taking it up soon..unless I'm IN France. Spanish and Portuguese. Both. And then French.

What is your most challenging goal right now?
To get out of this freaking country and get to the US in time for my Masters. Jeez.

If you had 1000 bucks now, what would you spend it on?
U.S. Dollars? A Nikon or Canon SLR. In a heartbeat.

What do you look for in a friend?
A great amount of tolerance for me and my shit. That's a lot in itself. I love you H even though you threaten to hang up when I start my shit, lol.

What is your current obsession?
A fish eye lens and an SLR - me wants!!! 2000 dollars anyone, please?

Where were you 3 hours ago?
Out shopping for my cousin's wedding in the U.S. in some shady bazaar.

Who are you in love with?
Seriously? Like SERIOUSLY? (Mood: perilous)

Have you ever eaten a crayon?
I was a very disciplined child. But it disturbed me to watch other kids eat crayons.

Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Always. Right now it's a tie, yes I bought a pink and black tie for myself. How strange.

When is the last time you went to the mall?
3 hours ago.

Are you wearing socks right now?
No

Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
Not personally. And I doubt I'd spend more if I did so myself. Not with the car I want. 1996 Honda civic? I LOVE that car. I'd trade an M3 for it any day.

When was the last time you drove out of town?
Always with family. Ages ago.

Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No, I'm so out of what movie is playing and what's not.

Are you hot?
Do I even need to say it? LOL...I'm not vain I swear..

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Tea

What are you wearing right now?
PJs

Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
If it was mine and the one I wanted, nobody else would be allowed to wash it.

Last food that you ate?
Home made chocolate fudge cake. That's food.

Where were you last week at this time?
Exactly where I am right now. It's 1 am.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Yes, I'm leaving for the US remember? At least...I think I am..

When is the last time you ran?
From one corner of my room to the next? 15 to 20 minutes ago, give or take. LOL.

What's the last sporting event you watched?
The cricket world cup, 6 years ago, was it?

What is your favorite animal?
I don't like animals. They make my skin get little red dots. Allergies. I think Jaguars are incredibly sexy animals, and Dobermen.

Your dream vacation?
Do I even need to answer this (IF you're thick refer to my blog's header).

Last person's house you were in?
My friend's.

Worst injury you've ever had?
I've never really seriously been injured. Never broken anything or gotten stitches. I once fell into a glass table (was kicked into it) and I came out with minor scrapes. So I'd have to say my sprained wrist from last week....I couldnt type for days, it still hurts a little. It was a nightmare.

Do you miss anyone right now?
Doesn't everybody miss somebody? Besides, just to feel better..I'd like to say that lonliness is an incurable human condition.

Last play you saw?
Phantom of The Opera (a remake) Jeez. Bad production.

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I am the weapon, fools!

What are your plans for tonight?
To start my Excel assignment

Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
I've never used that crap.

Next trip you are going to take?
The U.S., hopefully!

Ever go to camp?
Nursery to 3rd Grade was like boot camp. Best training ever.

Were you an honor roll student in school?
Most of the time

What do you want to know about the future?
Whether I'll end up cold, and bitter and lonely or like my mom. But I suppose that's the challenge...not knowing and working to get the opposite. Atleast I know what I DON'T want.

Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
VS...always.

Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
Yup, to see whether I need an upgrade on my anxiety pills or a downgrade.

Where is your best friend?
Depends on which one. One is at home on the other side of town, wanting to marry one of the two guys she screwed and the other in Canada probably at work, hating me for not sticking to my song-a-day promise and another wishing she didn't rush into marriage and wanting to jump out her window.

How is your best friend?
See answer above.

Do you have a tan?
Yea. Naturally. Lol, and I don't need to sit hours in the sun for it.

Do you collect anything?
Everything. Music and pictures specifically.

Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
I've distanced myself from such people lately.

Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
Never. I have a perfect record. That doesn't mean I'm a pansy driver.

Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
Yea. So?

What does your last text message say?
Are you alive?

Do you like hot sauce?
In moderate amounts.

Last time you took a shower?
Stupid question. This morning.

Do you need to do laundry?
Never/not yet. I love my maid.

What is your heritage?
Punjabi. Arguably the best South Asian heritage to have. I'd hate to be a ...gosh, I'm prejudiced. I should shut up.

Are you someone's best friend?
Yeah, the kind you can tell the insanest things to and I'll only dish them on this blog and nowhere else, I promise. Yea, I think 3 people consider me so. Not bad.

Are you rich?
Not personally. My parents are, but I don't think that should count.

What were you doing at 12am last night?
Not worrying about 40 plus hours of assignments due and staring at Fish Lens D90 photos.

Interested with this super long meme? Avoiding work? Want to take the edge off? Here are the rules :
1. Respond : Answer the questions in your blog.
2. Replace the question you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own. I didn't though.
3. Tag 8 people.

You can tag yourself. I love you guys. One day you'll be as bored/strained/khwaar as me and do this - mark my words.

Now, to start the assignments..

Uncertainties and Unpleasant Surprises

2009-05-24T16:57:00.002-04:00

Hello all. I guess I can't keep myself from blogging. I tried. I tried to keep my personal life out of this blog but we all know how that went! Anyhow, I love points.

Tomorrow is D-Day one; approximately a week after is D-Day two. It is on D-Day two that I will find out whether I stay in this country or go for my Masters. Yes, yes...I know, everything was done. Except it wasn't...there are things, family disagreements and all that jazz that have made my departure uncertain. And as I listen to Schiller I realize I am not sad. His compositions usually make me go into sad reminiscence mode but I am fine. I can't lose my marbles just now. It does however frustrate me immensely, this uncertainty.

I am bitchy, cranky and got my leg molested sitting right next to my mom. Yes, I'm veering off topic but it's a part of all this uncertainty, I promise. I wanted to buy gladiators. And I had been out and about in the scorching heat all day doing my brother's last minute errands because he was (supposed to) leave tomorrow. So I wanted freaking gladiators and I don't care if I didn't want them last season, I want them now. So I got these really pretty gold ones. The guy at the store who was putting on different styles for me got franker by the second. First it was my calf (that's ok I guess), then my thigh (huh?) and then my inner thigh (ok, that has no correlation to getting the shoe on does it?). And I LOVE that shop. How could I scream at him?! He was conversing with my mom and she was conversing back, she didn't even notice the look of disgust/horror/disgust on my face. Great going mom. Just because this isn't a third rate shop doesnt mean the guy is a gem. You get assholes everywhere!! Anyhow, I insisted on getting the damn shoes and leaving. Finally she got up and I paid the guy (who, by the way, had the most far off look on his face - SICK). Ew. Never going there again. I am nonetheless very happy with my shoes.

MY BROTHER IS'NT LEAVING TOMORROW! I won't go into details but he wants so badly NOT to go that he didn't register for the summer semester and hid it from us till last minute. I'm telling you, my whole family is a drama, you could make a soap out of it. What followed was screaming, crying, my mom threatening to sell her liver (what T.V. show has she been watching?!) and my irritability and bitchiness being heightened tenfold. What drama! Anyhow, all my plans with my friends from England have been canceled until further notice. How on earth can I hang with my childhood best guy friends who I haven't met in 7 months (and 2 weeks) with HIM around?! How sad is my life (more drama)? I can't meet the guys I grew up with? It was easy in college and when my brother wasn't possessive and 6 feet plus, but REALLY. I was really looking forward to meeting my friends. Life is so much easier with simple minded, intellectually challenged guys whose goal in life is to comfortably be able to cruise around town in their cars forever. I love them. Life is so easy with them. I can drive around with them for 8 hours and feel like I'm naturally high because you just can;t talk about heavy things with them. I need that right now!!!!! Anyhow, ironic how I'm contemplating running across the border to Afghanistan for freedom while he's begging to stay. IRONIES I tell you! One day they'll kill you.

Life is being a bitch on all levels (more drama again). I want to go. I want to know for sure :( I hope God doesn't do this to me. So...to take my mind off things I went through old photos. And then I went over to Flickr! I love Flickr!!! And I'm convinced I want a DSLR, I'm ready :D I just don't have the money for it. I mean $1000 plus !@#$%. I should probably be saving that for other more important things....like food and a roof over my head if things go awry and I need to fall to my last resort: running away. But if I get to the US of A, I'm going to get it, and not just get it, but actually earn it. So, I want the Canon Rebel XSi with the included 18-55 mm lens plus a ultra-wide angle lens. Crazy. I don't reckon myself a photographer at all but I take a gazillion pictures and only like 10. Maybe with this I can take a 100 and like 50. Memories are precious, feelings in memories are precious...if you can capture them then you've captured the memory better than if you only relied on your mind to remember it.

Mind Off Things

2009-05-20T14:05:00.006-04:00

This is probably the lamest title I've ever come up with but it conveys exactly what I intend to do: take my mind off the adversities that have recently materialized in my life. Serious adversities. Happy ending threatening adversities. OK....enough about the adversities.

I helped a soon-to-be fired friend from the law firm I was and am offered a job as a legal consultant at with a legal case. She's under intense pressure and doesn't like the work she gets. It happens to be my kind of work - exactly my kind of work. Sadly, the work I once did as a legal consultant was not my kind of work: it was human rights legal work and call me apathetic but that has never interested me. Corporate contractual work has. I took the job because I got it right out of college and the pay was....and still is shockingly high for a non-experienced fresh-Grad, I doubt any of my classmates can rival it presently even. But I HATED the work. It was so terribly boring. I never even studied Human Rights law and I quickly learned that getting paid loads does not make up for doing work that you do not like. Anyhow, I completed my one year and did not renew my contract.

Corporate law firms are bitchy. They hire you on less than $500 and make you work day and night, literally to the bone. And they are not smoke-free. I decided who cares, I want to do corporate. I LOVE corporate. I love the feeling of being so absorbed in your work that you see or have time for nothing else - the perfect escape from life. The first firm I walked into, I got an offer. I had good internships to boot. I was familiar with Pakistani law unlike the majority that only sticks to British law because that's what they studied in college. Pakistan ought to improve it's legal education so that we don't have to resort to studying foreign law.

Then I got a chance to apply abroad for my Masters and I let the offer go. It still stands, I'm told, bit I let it go. It's the escape if I don't get the actual escape. Anyhow, my friend was in a fix, she doesn't enjoy corporate work, she enjoys Human Rights work which she isn't getting. I took the one week case from her saying I'll do it in a day - and I'm telling you, it was a day well-spent! And what's ironic is, it was a Spanish case. I thoroughly enjoyed researching Spanish law and the country's legal system and writing a comparison among Pakistan, EU, British and Spanish law. It was soo much fun!! The thrill of having legal books and my notes from college around me and researching the legal databases was soooo much fun. It was insane. Lol. I sound like a nerd, but really, it was FUN! The deadline was 11 pm and she had to email it to the partners in Spain, I finished just in time. I was so mad at her for not loving the work. No wonder she's still stuck on the base-salary. She's silly and I'm mad at her. I keep explaining to her how HR legal work can also be terribly challenging but she assumes it will be easier.

I was always the one who wasn't career-minded and she was the one who gave having a career top priority, the roles have so inexplicably changed. I was the one who was to be a housewife, married off the youngest of the lot having tea-parties every week and now I'm the one who isn't that and she so terribly wants it. She says she'd do anything for a proposal and I want to die with the proposals I get. Irony. It's like me wanting curly hair because it's straight. But I suppose that's a rather shallow comparison. I have no idea what I will end up doing. I'm a kick-ass solicitor (if I do say so myself) who's wanting to do an MBA in a yet-to-be-decided specialization. I suppose that will happen once I have a choice. My mind is restless. I can nt simply let it's development or use seize, I'll become suicidal.

Things are bad at home. And I have half a mind to go up to the partner in the law firm and request work which I'll do for him for free - literally.

As for a random idiocy: My maid found out that I had recently lost 3 kgs (which I am currently gaining back with the amounts of ice-cream I'm eating). She's been mentioning it since and has considerably increased the sugar I take in my tea. No, not because I've become skinny, but because OMG I'm losing weight and becoming 'hotter', pfff. I'm surrounded by shallow fools with baseless insecurities. She's 40 by the way. She tells me weird things often even though she loves me, lol. Like yesterday she said my nose is crooked. LOL. And I wondered, from what angle?! That was a waste of time...but I thought I'd humor her by getting all insecure and poking my nose into the mirror in sheer horror.

I want to put a random picture I took when I went up to the mountains. I wish I knew how to post a slide show. You can see the best parts of my city from up there. I hope no body blows it up, it's far too beautiful.

P.S. I love the weird fishy widget in my sidebar. It can keep you fascinated for hours when your brain feels like fodder. My brain feels like fodder (am I contradicting my whole post by saying this? Yes). I fascinated myself greatly when I realized I can feed them with a click too.

My life is a cheap soap opera,

Dysfunctional

2009-05-13T12:11:00.002-04:00

After days of filling forms and reprogramming my Macbook (a process that tore me and my Macbook apart) I realized I only have 5 weeks left to do all I must before I leave. There are clothes to be made, decisions on what to take and what not to be made and pre-course assignments to be completed, not to mention all the relatives I must meet before I leave. We all know how uncomfortable the relatives meeting part can become: a perfectly marriageable 22 year old girl is leaving to do a 2 year degree to the land of freedom with noone to watch over her *shock shock*. The proposals I get will dwindle and only those who are not narrow-minded will ask for my hand in marriage. The others will just assume the worst. They'll question my 'chastity' and my morals and values. So be it. I don't want such proposals anyway...or any proposals at all for that matter.

I went out today after a week of being at home, more or less. I missed a good friend's fashion show, she was counting on me to be there. I ditched her. Ditched another close friend time and again. I just cannot socialize more than my parents make me. I've become socially dysfunctional in Pakistan. It was my brother, my mother and myself. I just had to get some clothes together...you know, cloth, lace, the riight combination...all the jazz you need to make custom-made Pakistani clothes...and then drop it all off at the tailor's. Simple work really. My mother had her own clothes to get. As usual...we all left the house agitated. I was sitting with my uncle discussing new business and my mother was sitting there too. After a while I realized she's very angry, she coughs and gets fussy, so I can tell. Also, like an internal alarm clock...I start feeling utterly anxious when she gets anxious. I looked to her and asked her when we will go out. She screams at me (I'm writing in present tense as I recollect, I have terrible short-term memory) and tells me she's been waiting and waiting and could not interrupt my discussion with my uncle. Why not? She's an elder, she always interrupts. I had asked her ten times before hand about when we'll leave, I was dressed and sitting in the living room waiting. That start was normal. We left in a rush for no reason. My brother decided to join us: idiot. Discussed democracy as a failed concept on the way to the market with my brother. Mama was quiet. But upset. And I felt the anxiety as if it were radiation penerating me. I tried to stay excited about going out shopping. There was a fuss about where we ought to park with me being the only one who knew where we had to go, it was my tailor after all. Why the fuss? Couldn't they quietly listen to my instructions? No. While at the tailor's my mother made a fuss about the design I was giving/explaining even though it's the usual. She insisted on the tailor not taking my measurements although he has been taking them forever and has never molested me. That ticked me off internally because these are clothes I'm taking abroad - I needed the tailor to know the right measurements. She complained about how hot it was. Ok, so she's sick and had heat tolerance issues like I do...but what I realized was that I was fine with the heat until she started complaining about it. Once she started complaining I thought, oh no, my body can't take this heat either. The stress of it all led to a migraine being triggered. I was fine until she...did this.

I am not bitching..ok, maybe I am...but to write this...to remember it is imperative. My family is dysfunctional. This is one timy example. I have never seen my family..the four of us alone together without stress or conflict. With other people, we are perfect, we have a blast...together alone we destroy eachother in a constant cold war. I am sensitive. I have never had that shield that people have to protect them from what people say. Everything hits me more which is why I have been affected the most. Ever since my father died, it has been stress. everytime I have tried to stay out of the house because of frustration with the stress radiating, noone has understood. My mum was always sad, always crying, we were always in a crisis. For 8 damned years there was no laughter in my house. 8 damned years. Things got better...but somehow the habit from those 8 years remains. This is what made me the most desperate: a lifetime confinement to a life such as this. I'm glad I have an anxiety disorder, finally. Finally I am being treated. I remeber all our trips to different countries, we were always bickering and arguing and fighting.

One lesson I take from this is that I will never have kids if I am like her. And if I have kids and become like her I will force myself, I will kill myself..but I will not let them see me upset or depressed. If I turn into a bitter woman or if I can't turn away from the dysfunctionality of my family, I will not have kids. Why? Because what my mother does not realize is that even in the years we both felt the other hated us...my mood...my general condition was a reflection of hers. Even today it is the same. Even with the door shut...I felt the constant depression and anxiety eminating from her. I wonder if it's a constant curse. To be forever affected by my mother's mood. I know she couldn't help it...I know that life has made her this way, but the lesson I have learn't is that if I have a child, that child..whether in my womb or all grown up WILL be affected by me. And having suffered so terribly through it, I will not put my child through it. I will have a positive or negative impact on my child. It will shape my child's personality. Has mine already been shaped? Will I carry on this bitterness? I'm so scared of that....so scared of ruining someone else's life because of who I've become. I've forgotten how to be happy as a family....maybe I never learned. Does this mean that when I have my own family...I will ruin them all? One person, just one member of a family can deeply affect the others. I am so scared of turning out like my mother. I am already like her. I get edgy and cranky in the heat and under pressure, I snap at loved ones...I exude negativity and bitterness. I have an anxiety disorder and stress triggers terible migraines. My brother has his own psychological quirks now and my stepdad...has always been weird.

This is what I run from. From turning into that. From the constant anxiety and depression surrounding me. I run. And I have done things in my desperation to run and I know I am in University now...I know I have a chance to fix myself. But the question is this: Will I, a child raised in a broken family environment, be able to be normal? Or will I always be a mess thus putting my future family into a undeserving mess? I know that with my current family...as much as I love them, I haven't had the best...environment...and my only chance at mormalcy, at happiness is my next family...my own family. I want to be happy. I hope I can learn to be healthier and happier once at University...despite my mother travelling to the US with me and living 2 hours away from me. She doesn't realize how her condition....at her age has become my condition at my young age. I have the heart of a 40 year old I feel, with the constant anxiety.

I just want a chance at happiness and normal everyday pressures and anxiety. I am afraid that while I am connected to my family I won't have that chance. I am afraid if I will leave them I will break into two inside myself. I am afraid to feel like this forever. I don't want to be so dysfunctional forever. I know I can't save my mother, she's too far gone...but is it ok to same myself? Is it ok to be selfish for a chance at happiness? I can't take this dysfunctionality and anxiety anymore. It's why I run the way I do.

In a fix,

Culture Shopping

2009-05-08T14:21:00.008-04:00

So I found a place to live and roomies (I prefer saying flatmates). It has a gazebo and a jacuzzi, a back lawn and a fire pit. That apparently means everyone wishes they got it and I'm wondering whether I made a mistake signing up (I'm such a party pooper!). Well, for one, the girls seem nice and hard-working. And two, the rent I can pay for with part-time work, super easily...and it's five minutes from school. And I couldn't have asked for more! The guys living downstairs plan on having a blast. Ultimately everyone plans on having a blast. Except that I'm the youngest in class and I've taken more courses than them (call me stupid). I need to work harder to catch up with them....they're all so much older and more experienced with work, travel and business. For me, everything will be new, from sharing an apartment (how do you divide things? Or do you even? Do I have to cook too? Can't I just clean?!) to doing the laundry. Maybe I ought to sit back and relax. Maybe.

Anyhow, ever since relatives and family friends found out I'm leaving for my MBA it's like they've become dogs on heat (mood: super pissed off!). They come over every day. The aunties stare at me with utter revolt and confusion and call me crazy for leaving and ruining chances of marriage. IT PISSES THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME. Ok...now I feel much better having said that. It's really damn, annoying, jeez. My mom will be two hours away from my university for 4 months. THE PEOPLE I AM TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM ARE NOT LEAVING ME ALONE! I'm running away. To an island. Where they speak french and make love on the beach. Well, that's how I dream of it! It's their fault. They give me no space. I've decided. So you're going to hear me bitch about how my mother doesn't leave me alone and comes over and breaks up my time. MY TIME. Ugh.

To get my mind off things I went shopping. I spoke to both my roomies, one from the US and one from Germany - minus the guys, and they're crazy about my culture. So I thought, why not, actually 'show' my culture by taking my culture with me. This involves photography from a whole new angle. I now take photographs of things, people, places that I might find common but the world won't. So I went to Friday Bazaar (in the burning heat and almost died of stroke) to buy cultural things and take pictures. I've posted one. I hope you like it! Would you believe that this stuff was for not more than $3 each. So women sit all day making these with their hands and probably get a dollar. Gosh. And then there are the shawls and silk scarves, the miniature paintings and the Afghan jewelry. Fun!

And I ordered a blood red sari. Crimson red and I had to argue with my mother and the tailor to let me wear it low. Who ties it above the belly? Whats the point of a sari if it doesn't show your waist?! It's gorgeous and that's an understatement. Anyhow, here is one picture. It's of the closest style and how it will/should end up looking. Minus the extreme overdose of gold! Yes, I went through the trouble of finding a similar image and found a picture of Victoria Beckham on the cover of Indian Vogue 'trying' to look seductive in a saree. Didn't work. Can't wait to try mine on :D Sometimes a girl's gotta be a girl, thus the picture and the uber excitement. Now, if I can only go back to doing 60 crunches a day...

Toodles!

Money Matters

2009-05-06T14:43:00.004-04:00

Living rich in Pakistan is like living the 90210 lifestyle. There's a sharp contrast between rich, middle-class and poor. You are judged by the class you come from. It's a hierarchy system really, where...since there isn't a monarch or nobility, those with old money (money from Gen X onwards) are the nobility. The industrialists and the politicians are the nobility. So you live in a certain neighbourhood...you're rich, no matter what, which pretty much means if you're flat broke people will think you're rich.

That's my story. I've always been rich. Or so I keep hearing. When my dad died, he left $63 in the bank account- we were supposedly the richest industrialist family around at the time. Wonder where the money went. Actually, I know, never mind. So since I was 12 it's was like living on the edge. Eviction notices, loans worth millions of dollars in need of being paid off and factories burnt to the ground. I really don't know how we got past that. I wasn't nice, I was bitchy. I wanted to get new clothes for the parties, I wanted a newer car, I wanted to stay my dad's daughter. I eventually lost friends when the number of cars in the household went down from 5 to 1. I lost friends when I couldn't take them shopping. It was a whole new way of looking at things: my mother considering moving to the cheaper neighbourhood, my mom considering taking us out of private schooling, us not going out to eat and having chicken once a week. I don't remember the really gruesome details but the pressure was immense. After years of struggle and availing national aid for businesses in crisis, things got better. But I changed. I had learnt what I was to my friends and my social circle. I despised it. I despised everything. So what, now that I'm in the BMW again you all want to 'hang' with me? Screw fucking you. We spent every day for 8 years mourning my father like he died yesterday. Because he left us in hell. Sure, there was property...property stuck up and factories that wouldn't run, and a house in a nice neighbourhood. But there were loans worth millions of dollars.

If I was my mom, I'd dump the kids and run for the hills. It was so screwed up. And I being the bitch I am was an added problem. I couldn't accept what had happened. I couldn't accept it. I seriously wish I had documented how she turned everything around. The largest of the factories was called the 'titanic' - it was a sinking ship and it would pull us down with it. I have no idea how my mom dealt with everything but one day things got better. The cars came back and the house looked new again. I can't complain otherwise, we had the best schooling and tutors even if it cost my mom an arm and a leg. She was a woman who hadn't ever known how to manage money. Anyway, when the money came back....so did the friends and relatives. Everyone wanted to do business with us. Everyone wanted to go shopping with me. I am so glad I underwent that phase because even though I am status-conscious in Pakistan out of pride, I know that won't be a problem abroad.

I was voted 'Most likely to get married first' and 'Most likely to marry a billionaire' in my college yearbook two years ago. I promised to not let any of the two things happen. My step dad was kidnapped a few years ago and at the time we weren't rich rich, we just looked rich...it was all hand to mouth because the money went straight to the banks. The kidnappers asked for 6 million dollars. Dollars. LOL. Anyhow, the newspapers had a field day - billionaire businessman gets kidnapped! Children under protection! We didnt have that money, it was our luck that the police saved him. But everyone thought we had it and paid it. People looked at me with envy in college for the rest of the semester while I recovered from the trauma.

On my college farewell party, the junior students like to do parody skits on each of the leaving students. And you know who I was despite my quiet, secluded, humble persona? I was the one wearing the Prada shoes and walking in with my nose in the air talking about millions of Pakistani rupees and shopping in Malaysia and how my 'fiance to be' has the hottest Aston Martin. I stood there mouth agape, insulted. I looked towards my principal who came up to me and said that my family reputation is such that they didn't know what else to do. Today my very intelligent friend joked with me about why it doesnt matter where and what I study because I'll marry a billionaire anyway and travel the world. Why do people feel this way about me, my father is long gone dead and where I live is old news. Hell, even the factories are sold. We are officially unemployed hasbeen industrialists! I dress well, I have good manners but it's not like I'm diamond-studded like my friends. I don't wear the latest designers. I hate the newspapers.

It's not like that. It's far from that. I am not that girl. I don't want people to assume things about me. I'm the girl who's in a fix about paying for university because it's too much for my family to pay the whole amount. With all that's going on, I don't understand why they aren't flat broke yet...we've been living off savings for over a year and traveling the world and building another house (wtf?!). I'm the girl who doesn't know how to manage money but has never abused it. I don't even WEAR designer wear. I budget. Always. Sure, I've had my fair share of being spoiled...but I've never flipped my lid. Anyhow, paying for university has become a major problem I must deal with. And the whole showing that I have two years worth of tuition in my account for the student visa is pissing me off. Who has over $70,000 lying in their account?! So yea, tense, tense...but you either sink or swim so today..I went swimming, literally. Lol. And I shall deal with the money matters. Somehow.

The real me,

Happy!

2009-05-05T08:39:00.006-04:00

No really, I AM happy right now. I bet you guys are thinking, wow, what a rarity.

I needed the sleep I finally got last night, even if I did have to resort to medication (not again, I promise). Also, the weather. The weather was/is great so I took a million pictures of home for when I miss it. I'm going to take a gazillion more of other places I love. I wish I could drive up to the mountains right now but that's not a good idea. I hate driving up altitudes! Anyhow, will make a Flickr account soon...and post pictures of things rather than just myself. What's the point of pictures for memories if all you're doing is taking one of yourself? Wouldn't you rather have pictures of what you see? So there, that I shall do. My camera is dying. It has been true to me for so long.

Also, I was stressed about my flight and housing and room mates. Thank God I've found viable options. My flight is confirmed and well, I've found a bunch of girls from different countries looking to share...so I think that department will eventually be handled too! My mom's like live alone, but how in earth will I do an MBA with minimal interaction?! I'm so glad I made a few friends there before hand. And Facebook..God bless the amount of networking one can do there! My room was what was really driving me nuts, it was like a clothes bomb exploded. And I am a fan of order, not chaos. There was hardly space for me on my own bed. So...I cleaned up. A lot. And now I can see the carpet. I don't want to look towards the dresser or the luggage area...but the rest is good.

And I'm eating! I had lost my appetite for days. Go figure! Lol, so thngs are better. The xcitement of meeting new people and moving and starting something new is finally taking a hold of me for the better. Things on the personal front are better too. I wasn't discarded afterall :S I'm a fool. (Lovefool - Cardigans more like?!).

What is it with me and thinking the worst of people, especially in uncertain times?! I gues it's something I will have to learn to get over or I'll never be happy or at peace with myself. The past is past. But the world is not dictated by solid pen-written rules; everything is in pencil. This whole blog...my whole experience, everything I chronicle is after all in pencil...because there is so much to learn, so many bends in the road, so many unexpected surprises..good and bad...and I'll never live again. So I might as well have faith and make the most of it. But readers, bear with me when I'm all negative and ranting, this is my safe haven..for where I can just come and write.

I love you my bloggy friends. And Prianca, you my friend are a jem of a person, thank you for the positivity you exude :)

Currently jumping around to: Angel In The Night - Basshunter

Am I bipolar perchance? LOL...I'll have to read into it. Ooh, and here's a picture of one of my favorite corner of the garden (the one I hardly step foot in). I'm not a garden person, how weird. And a flower.

Love, hugs and all that jazz,

Better Than Me

2009-05-04T14:16:00.004-04:00

I suspect I've already used 'Crash And Burn Girl' as a title. It should be a tag really. There's too much to do and too little time. And on top of that, I got...sidetracked. Makes me question my abilities to live and think alone. I'm going to have to keep a double check on myself.

If there's one thing I've decided..one thing I had previously decided, it was this: Stay single. In my heart and in my mind. I have worked so hard to come so far. I never thought discussions could reach a point where you can learn little but hurt more. I'm known to be reckless, it's the contradiction in my personality - calm, serene exterior and a burning soul. I really hope I find what my purpose is, I really hope I overcome the 'in over my head' feeling. Sometimes I wish I could just be normal, have normal wishes and passions. I don't. I want something...else. I want to prove a point. I want to throw it at their faces.

It isn't the men of my country, it's all men. To make a three word statement and retract it so easily is common. Lesson learn't: first hunches are usually correct. If someone is acting a certain way then the obvious reason is the actual reason for it. I've never been discarded. So today, I want to remember today as the first time I was simply put aside. Like a chess piece blocking the passage to the Queen. I'm good at chess. Why the hell didn't I catch it before it actually came to this point? I'm insulted. Yesterday my friend was insulted because of me (he forgave me) and today I have been magnanimously insulted by someone. There's probably a lesson. Actually there are many lessons, I just don't want to list them. 'Impossible' - I cringe at the bloody word, I don't believe in it. And never will I let it stand in the way of becoming...someone I myself can be proud of.

Besides, a friend (same friend) and I agreed that such things only weigh you down. If you want to be greater than ever..then you can't let these things weigh you down. So the road to the top is lonely and brutal. The top of what? Well, wouldn't I love to know.

I am no longer falling apart. I'm insulted, but I'm pulling myself together and I'm thinking I might just get some sleep tonight. So much to do tomorrow, such little time. I got a lot done today. I work best when pissed off and/or apparently thrown aside.

I've narrowed my language track options down to Arabic, Spanish and German. I've cut out Chinese, Japanese and French. The West Coast internship is still in consideration. That or Europe? Decisions, decisions!

I just realised, the two stanzas of the song 'Unwritten' in my blog's left-hand panel ring very true!

Lessons and life go hand in hand,

An Apology

2009-05-03T16:11:00.003-04:00

There's no way to put it. I let a friend down because of my paranoia. I bitched about him terribly and now I'm sorry.

So friend, this is for you. I hope you read this today...I don't quite have the nerve to talk to you...I'm going to just blog about it. After all, this is one place I write straight from my heart (how freaking emotional, lol :S). Anyhow, to start...I've known you for the longest time, months...ever since I started this blog. And at the time I started it...I was a mess, an insecure mess. I had no ground under my feet and I had no faith in my abilities or my self. And then I came across your blog...and found it very, very interesting. You probably don't know this, but I wasn't much of a business fan...and I wasn't very informed. I was in my own little bubble...english literature, writing and philosophy. I was playing with the idea of doing a masters degree...and finally, when I got permission, I got it for business. I devoured your blog (lol, literally) and I took it from there. The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal...the works. I had a few months to sound like the smartest know-all around to somehow get into university with no clue. And then you read my blog too and gave me really helpful advice. And then the helpful emails, and then the phone conversations. You were the first person to figure out my identity. And you were Pakistani: freaked the freaking hell out of me but then I was like, maybe there are non-Pakistani Pakistanis out there. And there you were all broad-minded and smart. Smarter than me. Pissed the hell out of me. So I had to be smarter, wittier...despite having zero self-confidence those days due to circumstances. You motivated me. Seriously motivated me. Reminded me I'm smart - that I'm not a good for nothing. And I swear, to this day I pray to God for sendng you at the right time! And just so you know, I'm not kissing your ass...I'm telling you the truth, unformatted. Thanks for going through the trouble of spending countless hours putting me back on track. Because I was way off it. All I was doing was sinking.

I loved/love our conversations. You taught me so much. I know you have a huge ego and you're a real jerk (not)...because you're Pakistani, but you're cool. I hate my kind. I despise my kind. You know what I have gone through, because if this blog...but there is more to it. I sincerely apologize for bashing you three posts down. You were busy. It's just..when the world seems to be crashing down around me...I tend to think that those who care are evil and manipulative. I become untrusting. At the same time, I am glad I put my feelings out there. I am constantly wondering when you'll 'fuck' up. Sorry for the lack of faith, it is not in you, it is in the race. I'm just not used to good stuff from my kind.

The fact that you took time out of your hectic and busy schedule to make time to call me and talk this weekend was/is most appreciated. The fact that you do not judge me is shocking but something unbelievably amazing. Anyhow, you're my friend. And I love you as my friend. And I don't love many people. You know that. In that post I even lashed out on the one person I'd die for - my brother. It was a truly terrible day. You've done a lot for me. You are a true friend I have met because of this blog. I wonder if you'll go back to being the same or not but really, you KNOW how I am. I told you right after...that I bitched about you. Looking back, I did think the worst about you. That really is insulting, considering you've only ever been an awesome friend. Also, I respect you for not having an agenda with me and being my friend. That, my friend, is rare. And that, my friend, makes you a friend worth having.

I hope your migraine is better. I had one too. RIGHT after you told me about yours. Ass. And right after Meen took that horrible picture of me packing. She smokes too freaking much and my hair still smells of it! That medicine I told you about works wonders..I wouldn't be typing otherwise! Today was fun with Meen. Thanks for being a jem. Sorry for insulting you. And well...can I apologize for future bitching too? Ok, maybe that's pushing it...

Anyhooo, maybe I'll call you once you're back to being chirpy with me again. Think about Talespin...I downloaded alllll the episodes btw. And Miranda girl conversations. And My Little Pony. And that tent of Izzle's you got stuck in. And that crime-boss guy....I forget his name, the one you told me lives down my street and has a bluckbuster movie made on him. And your bad punjabi. And the Honda joke. And my overflowing luggage. And my showing off that only you seem to catch. Lol.

Sincerely,

P.S. Feel free to NOT comment, friend.

P.S.S. Meen's really happy to add you to her berry berry. Be nice. She's good fun.

More To Life

2009-05-02T12:46:00.004-04:00

I got into my first choice university (there was no other artful way to start this post, lol). I found out yesterday and jumped around more than I've ever jumped around. I hurt now. That, and I hate this time of the month.

In all honesty, I didn't think I'd get in this year. To make a decision two months ago, "I think I'll do an MBA", and having had more than half the deadlines pass, I cannot believe that I got in. I was so sure that I wouldn't that I made a huge bet with my brother, well, guess he deserves a good time too. He's terrible with money.

I look back at the posts in the beginning, I think about the time I started this blog. It was a tiny flicker of hope sitting in Virginia on a cold snowy day in a tiny living room. That flicker of hope turned into this blog, turned into hard work. I have never truly worked as hard as I did for this and I thank God that He didn't just disappoint me this year. I couldn't have handled the year in my country - I had no plans for it. It's actually happening. What I dreamed of for so many years and worked day and night for for three months is finally happening. And what's crazy is, this is just step one to claiming my life as mine. And I'm scared out of my mind. I've never lived alone or even traveled alone. I've never had to be responsible for my self. And I couldn't be more excited. Scared and excited. True, I'll have people close by...but not the way I do now, with everyone taking care of me (remind myself: what won't kill me will only make me stronger!).

And budgeting. Living on a limited amount of money. Sure, we all do that...but this time I'm really going to have to think. If I want to be self-reliant I'm going to have to think about that. My uncle made a deal with me a month ago - he said, we'll pay your tuition, you do the rest, then we'll believe that you know the value of money and have matured. A slightly unfair deal, considering I have never been taught to self-sustain myself. BUT do-able. Maybe I'll crash and burn and come running home. Or maybe it'll make me a better person.

I also have to think about where I'll live, how I'll cook, WHAT I'll do when I land. BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA. And to come off as perfectly composed at the University with the administration. I'll probably have a migraine. Who on earth will help me? Lol, if there's one thing about the US, the men are not gentlemen - they don't open doors for you or offer any help even if you're struggling with three suitcases (I once cried at the airport when I realized that on the escalator). That is probably the biggest first problem for me. You have to be a man. So, I have to be a man. And leave the land of luxuries behind for the land of freedom. Oh well, I could drink to that!

Six weeks to go. Freaking unbelievable!

Bisous,

Playlist For May

2009-05-01T19:36:00.004-04:00

Not the usual feel goods I post but favorites for the month nonetheless. Old music.

You - Schiller mit Colbie Caillat
Beautiful Things - Andain
Better Than Me - Hinder
Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback
Beautiful World - Carolina Liar
Save Me From Myself - Christina Aguilera
Question Existing - Rihanna
Stop and Stare - OneRepublic
Colorblind - Counting Crows
It's Been A While - Staind

Just some songs I've been listening to most frequently this month. Please go to April's list to find out where to download these.

Love,

Lessons, Cynicism, Lessons

2009-04-28T15:23:00.004-04:00

I feel like dividing this post into points, just for the sake of organisation. After my previous post and the typos in it, I really need to feel organized.

Today - Went up to the the restaurant in the mountains for dinner. Personally, as much as I love the view, the altitude and and curves make me feel nauseous. But I had a pleasant time with the family friends and family. I forgave my brother, well, there was nothing to forgive since he didn't think that he upset me with the things he said - I didn't let on how bothered I was. And bothered is an understatement.

Lesson - Before going to dinner I realized my body was hurting - and it was 'that' hurt...the one accompanied by the hormonal imbalance caused by depression. It makes you want to lie around all the time, lethargy, that's the word; it makes you lethargic. I had cried my eyes out the night before...and if it wasn't for a blogger friend's kind words at that moment I would have felt reallt alone and shitty. Nonetheless, the night was terrible. When I woke up my face and eyes were swollen and my mother had to ask me what was wrong. I told her. Word for word. She told me that he was 18 and could not be blamed for saying those things. She wasn't mean...she was...nice. Later, I went to lie down in my room when she came in and tried to talk to me. She sat down next to me and told me about life. We both started crying at some point and I didn't try to stop, I needed to say the things I needed to say. I told her I was scared of all people, that I'm tired of how evil they can be and that I'm scared of what would happen/be done to me if she died....because, with last night's conversation with brother, I realized he isn't on my side. She held me a long time and assured me that she worries too and has made arrangements for me to be taken care of...but at the same time I should not cry and be broken, that I should become stringer because life IS adversity. I asked her, or rather stated, "We all really are alone, koi apna nahin hota (meaning: nobody, no matter who, is really our person)". And she said yes, she said that noone comes and gives you your right, you have to fight for it, you have to be your own savior. And she's right. As bitter and cynical as it may sound, in trials and tribulations...our own back out. Yes, there are friends who are family and in every turn in life there is someone to give us moral support, even if it's a blog friend, so yes, we as humans need people to give us their hand, be it invisible, but we should never rely on one person in our whole lifespan...to be there. Because it's not like that. Even married people....'through better or through worse' is such a undependable term now.

Blogger Gossip: I just found out about the recent scandal of a very popular blogger who had been faking her life. She'd even meet blogfriends and pretend to be who she says she is on her blog. She started ripping people off a.k.a plagiarizing people's (famous bloggers') blog posts! I was a regular on her blog. It's surprising. No, what's surprising is that the possibility of doing so never struck me. I can bet many people do that. But to take fake sympathy and create a whole fake life..is crazy. I feel I have made some legit blog friends that I can consider real friends and thank God that I know that they are as real as they say they are...but it makes one think. And really, it's also a lesson. Being inspired by someone's blog and writing something in your own words is fine...but copying? No, no. So yea, lesson to self: Never fake it, never copy it!

Sane Rant: I'm thinking about my university's decision on my application. It will come within two weeks. It's the only university I want to go to and the only one I applied to. I feel I gave it my all. The essays, the application could not be written better by myself. And the telephone interview I had a few days ago went splendidly aswell. I feel good about it, because really, I'm known to mess up my sentences with verbal diarrhoea when I'm under insane pressure - it was a very candid and sincere interview. My one concern though is my quantitative score on the GMAt being weak. They expressed concern over it in an email...I did send them my old Math grades, I just hope they suffice.

And today I found out the meaning of 'Bisous' to be 'kisses' in French. Because some guy has been throwing it at me and I have been saying it back thinking it's some form of saying hello/goodbye. But now apparently he thinks I've been encouraging his flirts towads me. Oh boy. I was just being nice! I have no mojo. Really. It's died along with my faith in the men of my country. How very sad.

Bisous,

The Reason

2009-04-27T17:18:00.004-04:00

Disclaimer: This is a ranting post. If you are reading this to gain intellectual insight/have a pleasant time/learn something new, then please stop now.

They were waiting for me to get done with my test and applications. They are my family. My everything. They were being safe with me...not making harsh comments...not talking about all that is wrong with me...how imperfect I am...what my father would say if he was alive. And today, the walk...with my only sibling felt like someone was stabbing my heart with broken glass again and again. I smiled and I joked about all that was being said to me. Of course, what else can I do...run out of the locked gate, jump over the barbed wire above the walls? It's all I could think about, jumping and running. I want to run so far away and I want to erase from my memory all these people.

I'm broken. I know that. They don't have to tell me again and again that I am not normal, my thoughts are not normal. I should want marriage and babies right now. I should want to obey them. I should want to turn my mind into nothing. I should stop my heart from dreaming. I am worthless is what he said to me. I am lucky that I am pretty, that I get proposals...one day they will finish when I am older...they won't come. Noone wants to marry me for my personality. What, I ask him, about all those guys who fell in love me? He says they only wanted the inheritance.

I can't breathe here. It's so difficult. I'm locked inside myself. They think I'm crazy. I am. Unfortunately I am. Stuffing me with strong anti-depressants and forcing me to sit infront of propsals was not right. I can't DO that. He says they have no hope for me..that I am a failure. That I failed them. HOW? Their reputation is intact. I AM respected. I got good grades. But no all those things were not my doing. He says it's a miracle how I even got into law school much less pass it with honors. I passed WITH Honors. But still...I'm 'mentally challenged'. I make friends, I can be charmind amongst people, I can be the life of a damned tea party...and I am challenged?

But he asked me....what will you do? Once you leave..what will you do? I don't know. That's the truth, I just know I'll be free. That my mother won't scold me and scream at me for wearing a baggy shirt. That I can show my back and my belly in my traditional dress, that I can get the clothes stitched so tightly to accentuate every surve of my body..BUT I can't wear a baggy shirt to go get take out in the car at a place where everyone is wearing nothing. HYPOCRISY. My brother can go fuck who he wants, I can't talk on the phone to even a childhood friend. He can go meet his girlfriends and the last time I bumped into mine I was given the scolding of my life. I CAN ONLY marry their type of guy: NARROW MINDED, someone who can;t appreciate or understand me, my writing, my thoughts...someone who will use me as his personal servant and be a baby making machine. And God forbid I wear anything wrong or say anything wrong. It's like the fmily was sitting and discussing politics (only the men), the women don't have minds remember, and I spoke up...infront of my relatives, I had a VALID point. What sort of a narrowminded family am I in?

What has my mother put in my head about marriage? I've seen happy people. Why does she tell me I will be miserable but life is like that? She has told me this since I was 12, since my father died. I grew up thinking men are chauvanistic pigs. MY OWN BROTHER. I am a guy, I am really smart, I am right, you are a pathetic girl with no intellect, you are wrong. You will never be with anyone. Noone wants a defected girl like you. Noone wants me. OK. I told them months ago to STOP. I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED. I don't believe in it because I don't believe in my blood. My brother's words were: I can do someone's sister but I can not let my sister go out of the house because soemone ight do her and my respect would go down the drain. It is how it is, we men can do what we want, you shutup and marry a servant if your mother tell's you.

The men of my country, there may be nice men, and alot of women are happy, but the narrowminded ones.......no, for me, all of them are sons of bitches. I HATE the men of my country with a vengeance. There. I said it. I finally said it. I don't want to be with men like this. I don't want an Arabic guy or a Pakistani. Or any of them! They can do as they please...because what they do is not a sin but women are a sin. The word woman is a sin, how's that? He says his future wife can do as she damn well pleases, WHY CAN'T I? I'm not asking to date, or fuck around, or wear vulgar clothes, I am asking to let me BE. To let me wear what I want...is that too much to ask? To let me marry a man who thinks like me...who isn't too culturally extreme. I am so turned off by marriage and sex and all these fucked up obligations. I just want out. After that, I'll think about what to do next. Maybe, just maybe....I'll get better..I won't be crazy anymore...maybe other people won't find me crazy..because I'll be free, I'll be myself...I will be able to breathe. I just hope to God it's this year...because I'm already breaking.

I wish we humans could just be able to be alone forever. Why do we need people? I wish I could be alone and never need anyone ever.

A tiny side-rant thought: And talking of guys. I have a friend. A Pakistani friend. He disappears after talking to me for hours..and me being too nice to say no...I need to sleep/study. As soon as my test is over he disappears. Yes I'm paranoid. Because he's going to read this. And he will now know that I am paranoid. He's Pakistani and I told him it's in his blood, the malice. So yes, my test is over and he's disappeared. And I think the world was conspiring against me...and planted this person to detrack me from my goal to leave, to be happy. Definitely paranoid. Because since he was Pakistani, subconsciously he couldn't handle a girl...I don't know! I just really don't know. Some friend. But then I believe in friends, I just don't believe in my race anymore. I really hope the extremists take over this country, so that everyone gets what's they're asking for: lashes and being beheaded, after all...the extremists are our blood and they have embraced their true sick and terrible nature. This is why this country doesn't thrive. Corruption, hypocrisy and greed.

I love my family. Which is why it hurts. I hate them.

P.S. 'I'll get over all this by tomorrow. I promise. And I'll go back to being able to love my brother despite me being a defected child to them. And...then one day I'll fly away. And never come back :)

Reminiscing About My Father

2009-04-25T06:41:00.010-04:00

I've been thinking about my father lately. I feel it's important to remember who he was. He was a great man. And even though I know he would have been incredibly strict in my bringing up and I might have hated him if he were alive, he was still a great man. Sharp and intelligent. He only studied up till 10th grade, that too in a village school. He was a farmer/cattle herder's son. Yes, my grandfather was a simple farmer in a village. My father left home and went to work in a factory where he earned a measly loader's wage, hardly enough to eat. He had a passion to be great, to be more than what he was born into. He learned quickly. He learned to operate and fix machinery. He learned of every process that takes place in the factory, from what to do with the waste material to how to get the best deal selling the product. He made friends. And one day he found out that the owner of the textile mill could no longer run it, that it was too much for him. It was understood that the mill had become a sinking ship noone else was willing to run. My father went to see him at his office and made a proposition: You let me manage this factory for two years, and if I don't make it profitable you can throw me out. The man said no, after which my father said, I pledge any and everything I own (it was only a tiny piece of land his father lived on in the village), but let me run this factory. The owner considered the proposal and said yes, after which my father became the general manager of the mill. Long story short, he eventually bought the factory from the owner and set up another one. He became a millionaire. He was a charmer, my father. Bankers have told me that he used to walk into the bank and demand huge loans with zero collateral, and they would agree because of the confidence and passion for success that he had. A simple village boy began to dress, look, walk and talk the part, no easy task, mind you. His english was terrible, but he never hesitated to try and improve it and speak it with international buyers.

He married my mother in the prime of his industrialist days. His best friend who was also an owner of textile mills introduced him o the woman who was to be love of his life. You see, my mother was his wife's best friend since school, and the match was made. My mom remembers how, when he took her home after the wedding, he had lined the street leading to the house with lights and the entrance till their room was lined with a red carpet. My father was a big fan of dramatics I'm guessing, and very romantic. As a child I remember him twirling my mother, full ballroom style, sweeping her off her feet and kissing her. He loved her oh so very much. I was born by mistake, haha. They had planned to travel the world for the first two years of their marriage. London, Paris and Milan had already happened, as well as the U.S. My mother insisted on going to Disneyland in Florida and Paris, he took her there. I think I was concieved in London, and they had to cut their trip short. Needless to say, many people envied their lifestyle, even my mother's own family, they disapproved of my father's flagrant spending. But still, they had their friends, and my father always remembered to support the family in his village.

After a year of my birth, they left me with my mother's mother, a most kind woman, and resumed their 'world tour'. Life was a fairy tale. They came back and after four years my brother was born. Life was complete and my father was becoming more and more successful at an alarming rate, true, he had very little time as he expanded his businesses but he would always make up for it. Before my brother was born, me and him would have our own alone time, where he'd take me to the zoo to see my favourite elephant (who's still alive and there btw) and he'd play with me. When I started school, he would bring me the most beautiful clothes from around the world, I was his love. He wasn't around much eventually, but he always made up for it with presents and the little time he did have. In our culture, the son is given more importance as the next in line to run the business, but he never made me feel like my brother was more special.

Life was good. And then one day, it all fell down. He was not much of a saver my father, he believed money should always be invested and he spent as he went, not brilliant, but that was his way. That one humble day, the trucks with all the goods got hijacked and robbed on the way to buyers and his storage units were burned down. The fire insurance documents were nowhere to be found. And there was no backup money. My father became an alcoholic and was always at work, always, always, always. He never showed the trouble he was in. Only my mother and his best friend sensed it. He went through a major struggle the last year of his life and it is then when he sat me down and told me how important an education is, that mistakes can be made by smartest of men if they are not educated. He also told my 8 year old brother to take care of us whenever he's not around. He had a meeting in another city the next day, it was the meeting of meetings. either everything would go, or everything would get better. He returned from the meeting, successful, with the papers in his briefcase in the back of his car. He was on his way back home...but he never made it. The report says that he did not die because of the accident, that a sharp object was thrust into his temple. The driver doesn't remember but lived. The briefcase with all his papers disappeared and his factories were set on fire.

Yes, it was murder. And even though I may never know who it was, I will never forget the great man my father was. A fighter, who only death could stop.

His best friend, his only true friend, visited us after 11 years. He could not come to Pakistan sooner because of political issues. And he had tears, tears of happiness in his eyes when he looked at us. It's been so long sonce someone who loved my father and was not jealous of him came by. He told us the story of the 'Daal', the lentils dish. It's a common food and people in villages eat it, it's not a very expensive dish, very plain and cheap. Whenever he would call his friend's over for lunch or dinner, amongst all the grand dishes, there was always this dish and one day his best friend's wife asked him, 'Do you really love daal, I have never not seen it on your table?'. To which he replied that there is an important reason due to which he always has daal: to remind him of where he came from, to not let him get blinded of his true past by all the lights because it is, he said, integral to remember who you are and how you got where you did.

And I want to do the same, I want to remember and appreciate the life that he gave me. I want to be proud of my father for doing what he did and one day when I do my MBA, I hope he's a little proud of me. I haven't been the best since he died. I lost my favourite parent and didn't act very strong about it. Got depressed with life, got weak, my father wouldn't like that. I blamed him for all the hard times, I blamed him for dying and leaving my innocent mother to the vultures. But she has hardened and I, well, I see things from a wider perspective. He wanted his children to go to Harvard for an MBA, haha, well, hope an MBA from another good American University is enough.

I tried to take a picture of a picture, kind of blurry, but that's me looking at him in aww as I always did. It was a special day. Who would have known I'd end up an inch taller than him. Haha, just like my mom. On their wedding day, he kept pulling her down from the back when they'd stand for pictures, it was quite funny really :). Good times.

Perplexed

2009-04-22T14:01:00.002-04:00

I'M FREEEEE! Or at least I think so! I got done with my GMAT today, yay! Which means I can do everything I've wanted to do since...gosh, since before I went to visit the U.S. I didn't even spend proper time looking at all the things I bought.

I quite perplexed too...with my score. I aimed for a 650, got a 640, oh well...good enough. The universities better think it's good enough, or I'll kill someone. What perplexed me is that I got the same score in the Math section as before...which means all these weeks of intensive practice and preparation didn't pay off the LEAST. The only think that brought my score up was the English, I aced it, broke my city's record (yay!!!), and as grateful as I am for my score, I am VERY baffled and disappointed about the Math. This means I'm quite bad at Math...genetically or something. I thought I did everything right, that's what's worse about it!

But hey, I'm grateful and free! I have so much catching up to with so many friends' blogs! And truly, I've missed keeping up, it's always a pleasure reading about what others have to say, there is simply so much in the world to know and learn! And friendship while learning, what could be better? I'm off to watching the latest of GG, after which I'm going to 'blog-cruise' - ok, sounded lame, sorry, and then I shall snuggle up with one of the books on my book list, most probably Burnt Shadows.

Lizard Incident:

Since the past few days there had been a lizard in my room, it came in through a hole in the air conditioner's vent. I didn't mind really, it was on the far end of the wall and not daring at all, as in, it wasn't the frisky type that would go exploring - it just stayed near the air conditioner. A servant later realized there was a tiny gap in the vent and rightly blocked that gap. So now lizard had no way out except through the door on the other end, and he wasn't a daring lizard. I knew it would get desperately hungry exentually but I was hoping to get someone to get rid of it after the exam - catching it is a hassle and results in utter chaos. Yesterday lizard disappeared. Lizard used to come out at 10 pm everyday from behind the airconditioner, I wondered for a while but then got back to studying.

Today, however, I SAW lizard. Walking on my roof. Right above my bed. Lizard fell, I shrieked the loudest shriek on earth. Everyone came running to my rescue, I was frozen, because lizard was sitting on MY Ipod on the bedside table. If lizard went behind the bed I would be forced to sleep in the guestroom on my first night of freedom. Ok, long story short, my mother ruthlessly hurted lizard down. My mom even fell in the process, and the lizard's tail went flying ON my bed infront of my innocent eyes. Finally she cornered it, wacked it with a broom, but damned lizard was so frisky, it kept escaping. Then my mom asked the servant to get a rag and my oh so brave mother caught it with the rag...bound it in her fist and threw lizard out. OMG! I could never. Even the servant was petrified. Wow, I wonder if I could do that for my daughter. She only did it because she knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in peace in that room and she knew what my first night of freedom meant. Awwwww. Teaches lizard not to mess with my mommy.

Black Coffee

2009-04-12T16:24:00.006-04:00

Days go by and thoughts accumulate until there is so much that I simply cannot bring myself to write! Much has happened in the previous week, nothing of consequence though, which is a wonderful relief. I take sitting in the backseat as a blessing.

My friend's elaborate wedding is over, the ceremonies ended day before yesterday, with a splitting migraine. Too many camera lights and spotlights don't do me good. But there are lot's of pictures, I loved the Mehndi, the function before the wedding day. We had prepared choreographed dances and I had taken much time out of my busy study schedule to prepare them, alas, the day of the Mehndi, we couldn't dance because the CD with the dance sequences didn't work. The theme was to wear flowers in our hair and I had a perfectly beautiful green and burnt orange pair of clothes made to go with orange flowers in my hair. it was fun. The actual wedding day was hectic, with preparations, me having a bad hair day..because I tried to mess with it (and noone messes with my hair), and stayng up late for 3 nights.

My exam is in less than 10 days. The moment of truth! I've been studying quite a bit and in all honesty, it would take quite a bit to go over the 650 mark but I hope I do, I've sent all my applications, only this very integral requirement is left. I'm going through the exam-motions: feeling extremely tired and sleepy all the time, wanting to do anything, even watch Japanese action anime with my brother is more appealing, and my mind feels saturated when I try to put in something new! I had forgotten about these motions. Inspiration strikes best on days before exams. I suddenly want to write about jurisprudence, as in really, really write, my finger tips are tingling! Maybe I'll make a separate more literary blog, where I can write about all the things that are nagging me. And my diet this week is comprised of black coffee, TEA and coke. My skin and the weighing scale will be crying soon. The sacrifices we make for good grades *sigh*.

I've put up one picture. This was a raised patio (whatever you call it), in the midst of an artificial lake in my friend's villa's garden. The Mehndi was held here and the weather was divine. In the picture, the bride's friends, sisters and cousins bring the bride to the stage and do a choreographed dance in a circle in celebration. I wish I could put up more pictures but this is the most elusive *sigh*. One day, when I'm off to university, I will no longer need such precautions, can't wait for that day...

Back to studying!

The Dating Contract

2009-04-03T03:18:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: A bit long, but so worth it.

This dating contract agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2007, by_______________________,

between ____________and______________.

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.

Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty 30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four(24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the phrases couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and – using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: If at any time, one party chooses to terminate this agreement, said party may do so without prior notice but both parties agree to provide the other with formal and direct but brief notice of immediate termination and may, at their own discretion, provide justifications for such termination. Upon such termination, parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, door keys, personal undergarments, and risque photographs with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. Each party agrees to a "cooling off period" where in both parties agree to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. Parties hereby agree to refrain from harassing, stalking, threatening, slandering or otherwise defaming the other party after receiving such notice of the termination.

Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same ...."

Addendum:

GIFTS: Given freely through designated dating period, 'gifts' including, but not limited to, CDs, DVDs, entertainment appliances (no, not that kind, the players for the CDs and DVDs), articles of clothing, cruises, trips, and all entertainments connected with these junkets. AT NO TIME after referring to these items as "GIFTS" will there be a demand in writing, by telephone or possibly held up in the The People's Court as anything else and return or restitution requested.
Exception to this is jewelry promising future engagement and/or family heirlooms with said intentions stated or implied. Cheap jewelry given for the fun of it as souvenirs or socially acceptable symbols of affection come under the "GIFT" category and therefore lost to you forever.

SILENT IMPLICATIONS OF THOUGHTS, REQUESTS OR IDEAS: If you cannot state clearly, by voice or written word, any ideas important to you or topics that require discussion/agreement of both parties, then the intellectual property is NULL AND VOID. Don't expect me to read your mind if you can't read mine. Anything bothering you, anything that would please you or anything you would like to try must be on the agenda and out in the open for discussion, possible compromise and final decisions made in the presence of BOTH parties, accepted and ratified.

Addendum to Article 1. FULL DISCLOSURE: Until and unless both parties become a regularly dating item, such personal information such as natural hair color and number of sexual partners in their lifetime shall be OFF LIMITS in accordance with this clause: unless this is a long-term intimate relationship then you do not need to know.
AND . . . even after the designation as 'couple', when the numbers are known of previous/past experience, it shall NOT be held against the other nor referred to at times of disagreement in feeble attempt to gain the moral high ground. What is past is past. Consider yourself lucky that for numbers past, you were chosen and they are history.

FUTURE DISCLOSURE: After agreed upon acceptable dating interval and continued implied acceptance as a 'couple', any future acquisitions/desires must be spelled out in detail, either verbally or by contract, of said intent. This includes, but is not limited to, having/making/adopting children, dog (or more dogs), pets of any kind requiring daily maintenance and thus curbing any future spontaneity, major move in job/housing location, religious experience or financial loss (gambling problem, financially overextended, dubious investments). Don't think after 6 months intimacy that any situation can change so radically that it will still be readily acceptable without discussion and/or debate.
This also includes personal appearance. Shallow as this seems - let yourself go (you've got someone at home so you don't have to try to look/act good anymore) and all agreements are off. This does NOT include unforeseen health issues/problems (i.e., broken leg, shaved head, accidents or illness) but DOES include nasty tattoos showing up in intimate places after a hazy drink/drug induced 3-day binge, gaining 300 pounds or ANYTHING pierced. If discussed in advance, it is up to the interested parties to make their wants known and any agreement made then.

Addendum to 10: GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION. Being taken for granted is equivalent to an EXIT sign. Any party automatically thinking of the other party as their safety net when advances to a 3rd party are rejected (knowing that if you weren't you'd be history anyway) cancels any intimate privileges (current or future). Thinking I will be there for you, if you are not there for me, will either suspend play, thus this magnificent game begins FROM THE START or opting out of game entirely, wounded party's decision. If agreed upon (time frame and situation), a term of separation can be tried including dating others rights, intimacy rights and/or friendship status.

Participating Party:

Printed Name __________________________________

Signature______________________________________

Date: _________________________________________

Witness: _________________________________

Printed Name ___________________________________

Signature ______________________________________

This was drafted by a friend of mine, a junior in law school, and if I may say, it the best draft of such a contract out there. Technically, it's enforceable once signed. LOL. After the freaks I've met, I'm seriously going to consider this, maybe. Or at least show it to the date-to-be.

Yours Sincerely,

Playlist For April

2009-04-01T17:40:00.003-04:00

I'm thinking, every week or more likely every month, I'll post a list of my favorite songs on my iTunes playlist. It's always nice to look back and remember the songs one once loved and listened to.

Of these songs, I find the lyrics of this list very meaningful:

Happy Ending - Mika
Broken Strings - James Morrison and Nelly Furtado
How Deep Is Your Love - The Bird and The Bee
Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry
Thinking Of You - Katy Perry

Other feel-good favorites on this month's list:

Paris Is Burning - Ladyhawke
Breakfast In Bed - Nicole Kea
Intelligentactile 101 - Uh Huh Her
I Thought About You - Ziggurats
Do You Love Me? - Jennifer Kae

A point: Hardly any of the songs on this list sound or mean anything their names. Give a few a shot, oh, and if torrenting is illegal where you are, you either go here or here. Downloading a few songs once in a while from these sites won't get you fined :) Just watch out for viruses, if you're a Windows user.

Ayez un mois agreable,

Tomorrow, Tomorrow!

2009-03-31T09:34:00.010-04:00

I titled this post yesterday, thus 'Tomorrow, Tomorrow' instead of 'Today, Today'. It's the same routine - I spend the whole day procrastinating and around 11 pm my mind gets into full gear which is when I study at my optimum and zonk out around 2.30 am-ish. A thorough waste of the whole day. But, to make amends, I shall study right after I'm done with this post. There are silly everyday things that I want to jot down. This is, after all, my personal journal.

I've been overwhelmed with Maths and have decided to concentrate on one chapter at a time...starting from the toughest: Algebra...ending at the easiest, Geometry. Today, I have less than a month left...not to freak myself out, but my heart just skipped a beat when I typed that - no more typing that!

I cleaned up my room yesterday, something I had been lazy about doing for two weeks! You can imagine the mess that accumulated in that duration, not to mention the major dust problem in the city because of all the construction boom left, right and center. I dust, and next thing I see is another layer of dust. I'm allergic to dust, it makes me sneeze, get really groggy and tired AND gives me little red spots all over! So when I dust, I know that in terms of studying and/or using my brain, I am on holiday. Anyhow, cleaned the room - there were books and clothes everywhere. Made a pile of my test prep books - the books consuming my life - and a pile of books I'm aching to read. I've posted the pictures. No amount of putting my test prep books around pretty things helped, I even tried placing them next to my pink flowers...you can't get brighter than that. And btw, I tried to use Picasa on the pictures, thus the grainy effect, my camera isn't that dead yet..but it will be. It's dying. And guess what? I have a brand new upgrade lying in a box - yes, I'm overefficient like that. I've used my Canon IXUS for 4+ years...everyday...I was yearbook photographer for two years, you can imagine how much the poor thing has been clicking. But I have a brand new one lying around waiting for this to die (do I sound..cynical? :S)

I am aching, aching, aching to read the novels. I am so dying, dying, dying to blog about my writings, about my critical analyses of books I find inter-linked in one abstract way or another. I want to talk about my views on politics and current affairs, there is so much that goes through my mind but alas, I do not have the time to do the proper reading, the proper writing and I cannot write substandard posts discussing contemporary affairs, literary or otherwise. I have a stack of newspaper articles I want to get back to and my bookmarked links are beginning to make me dizzy.

I dropped my cellphone in a puddle the other day. Picked it up right then and turned it off right away. It was soaked to the inside. The screen had water in it. So since it was dead anyway I decided to experiment...I opened it up..fully, and blowdried it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, on really high heat...I couldn't even touch it for a while...I then threw it around for the rest of the water to get out (not classy), and then just left it for a few hours. I then turned it on. It's been working properly for two days. That's Nokia for you.

I really, really want a new custom made blogger template. Soon..actually no, I'll keep this one for a year, I like it, it's personal and very me despite my attractive to bright colours. I also want a custom painted Blackberry bold: purple. I think pink would be too much...for a business phone. But then, I think I should hold this want off till I'm actually in grad school *sigh* can't wait. Hope it's this year not next. Hope.

Oh, and if anyone reading this blog is on Goodreads, add me, I'm PinkLovesParis..the one and only :)

Je t'aime tous,

Of Idiocies

2009-03-28T11:35:00.009-04:00

Hello everyone :) My, aren't I perky lately. Happy pills are the way to go, lol. No but really, I am OK. No major hangups, or crazy incidents *touch wood*. I'm at peace. Despite, the books I'm swamped under.

I've been studying like MAD for my exam which is in 4 weeks. Well, not quite like mad...but close enough. I spend the whole day thinking about studying when I'm not and when I am, I think about watching more TV Shows. I have brushed up my basic Math considerably but actual exam questions make me shudder...I'm hoping for a little divine help with my mathematical block! A tiny miracle perhaps? I'm doing my best though.

The week has been incredibly busy on the social front, my other friend's wedding is coming up and I have to dance in this one, no getting out. It's a good break, dance practices, but too much won't be good either! There have been a few family brunches, lunches and dinners as well as my mother and her 'committee party's' meetup...which is always a pleasure to attend - afterall, who doesn't want to hear caked up aunties gossip about women other than the ones at the tea party and their daughters. It's fascinating, how all they do is disapprove of everything, everyone! It's amusing, for lack of a better word.

I loved the latest Grey's Anatomy episode 'Elevator Love Letter' - if only because Meredith's strength was highlighted. It's a very different reason to like the episode, but then it's good to know that I can see things from rare angles.

On the studying front, I don't believe what I got up to this week. I got my hands on a very useful looking GMAT torrent - it contained a million good books in pdf format as well as lots of old practice questions. And I thought, what more do I need than lots of practice questions to solidify my very weak math concepts, so I spent three days doing the alleged questions...and sunk more and more with frustration when I wouldnt understand why I got SO many questions wrong - I'm weak but not that weak - and God bless his soul, my brother detected the reason. After three days. I couldn't have gone to him earlier?! No. Idiocy. He went through the questions (he happens to be amazingly good at Advanced Math, something that gives me hope, I must have some of his capabilities, if only a miniscule amount) and their explanations for a good two hours and came to me in in shock telling me that EVERY answer is so diabolically and cleverly written that an average person cannot tell whether his concepts are wrong or the explanation, thus, horribly screwing up your concepts!!! I WAS GETTING MY CONCEPTS SCREWED! Who would do such a thing?! Some evil kanevil person who's out to lower everyone's scores so he does better, or remains the better scorer?! Well, good riddens to all the material I got from that torrent, I'm happy with my 12 (yes, 12) books..I don't need dubious internet resources acquired illegally....actually not illegally, torrenting and piracy is not illegal here :).

I have to go, catch you all later, I'm terribly busy studying but I will drop by your blogs soon, there is so much I want to catch up on!

Grey's Anatomy

2009-03-18T15:50:00.004-04:00

I watch a lot of shows. Privileged, Gossip Girl, Kyle XY (lol, yes!), Sex and The City, Lipstick Jungle, Dollhouse, Prison Break, Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives....and the list goes on.

But I love Grey's Anatomy. The show has the ability to unburden me, to relieve me from my dysfunctions while I watch it. It is intense, the characters each unique and real. But it's Meredith Grey. The fact that she is so broken and fragile, that every day, every second is a struggle against her demons, to bury them and to live life the normal way - to not crash or breakdown, is what keeps me going. I don't know whether it's that I can relate to her or whether I subconsciously feel that she has it worse than I do. I don't know whether I just think, 'Hey, during the show, it's Meredith who's struggling, you don't need to struggle - just watch, watch her live life while she struggles'. Some of us are just broken I guess. And it's not a bad thing, it's just something we need to learn to live with, like having six fingers instead of five...the sixth fingers bothers you immensely, makes you feel freakish, but sometimes you completely forget about it, or you know it's there but it's much part of you as your normal parts.

I'd have liked to give credit of my new-found strength and positivity to myself but unfortunately it wasn't all me. I told you guys about the doctor I went to because of my dizziness, fainting, sometimes falling and slightly spasming routine. Well, he gave me lots of medicines ofcourse, and like an idiot I thought they were vitamins and meds for strength. They were, but not exactly nutrition aids; they're for anxiety disorders (thank you Google). I have an anxiety disorder. Funny, I thought anxiety doesnt do more than make you feel anxious, gain weight and/or cholestrol when you're older. It can give you spasms, spasms that increase with time if left ignored, and cause muscle failure/damage. Oh well, as much as I hate anti-anxiety and anti-depressant pills because of their side-effects (increased appetite, fake happiness, weight gain, acne, loss of mojo) I know I need them. And this time I won't make the mistake of leaving them unsupervised and cold-turkey.

But it means that I have to combat what comes with the benefits. I have to balance my diet, have healthy food, drink lots of water - and work-out. I may be sitting on my (huge-r) ass and getting away with it, but weight-gain that comes with such meds is not pretty. I need exercise anyway, to fight what prolonged anxiety and depression have done/will do further down the line. I'm 22, I don't want to be a mess at 32. I have a positive mind, I don't care whether it's because of the meds, and I will make the most of it.

Also, with the state I am in, I will avoid my mother's suggestion to check out the hot new proposal - a 30 year-old neurosurgeon based in Ohio (brr!) and in search of a nice, balanced young girl. I'm just not ready, if I wanted to settle down, on a mental and emotional level I'm not ready to commit to a full-time no-backing-out relationship and possible soon child birth/rearing. One day I will be ready, my 'perfect marriageable age' might pass, but I have faith that when I'm ready, whether I be 25, 28 or even 30 - there will be someone meant for me. And I will have in me the strength and (natural) positivity to be in a relationship and have children and raise them to the best of my abilities.

Talk about positivity overload! But hey, at least I'm still sensible, and trust me, that counts for something - last time some doctor put me on anti - depressants, I was so happy, I could shoot you and genuinely laugh: not good.

What This Means To Me

2009-03-16T14:27:00.004-04:00

I'm going to write about what this blog and the people I have met through it mean to me. I remember the exact day I started this blog, it was sunny outside after days of gray weather..the sheets of snow were still lying there untouched. As much as I hate snow, I love the brightness the untouched sheets of snow bring. It's only when it starts to melt at the base, hardens and becomes touched does it look bothersome.

I was sitting on the couch and thought to myself that I need to write. I need to put into words things I feel, see, touch, all sorts of sensations need to be chronicled. I always found pictures and videos to be missing an essential element. I take pictures of everything, but they soon just become two dimensional memorabilia...and lose the details and emotions attached to them. But words, strung together to express everything that you felt, that you saw, and could possibly feel, are a perfect reminder. Nothing can take you back to a certain moment, as do words.

I am at a point in life, a crossroads, if you will, where chronicling what I feel, what I decide, what happens is essential. In 'Cat's Eye', Margaret Atwood, acclaimed Canadian writer, wrote of the 'black-hole', or a series of holes....that define you. Events that take place, or a phase in life that molds who you become. This time is my black-hole, a point in time that will alter my life for the years to come. Because now, a few months or a year from now, I get to change my life; and it isn't just how I will go about it, it's about the roads I choose...because this time, the roads are so far apart that I doubt they will meet at a common fork.

This blog, the name of it, "One Day, Paris" was not just brainstormed to be unique, or to look nice, it came from my heart, it defines my journey, if not in a concrete fashion then in all it's abstract-ness, it is me, it is what I want it to be. I can't see myself abandoning it. Not now, when it's all I have, to write all there is inside me.

You might ask, "Why, keep it public then/still?". I had a private blog, which made me feel bottled rather than liberated with all that I wrote. It's liberty we write for. After over a hundred entries over a span of 3 years, I abandoned it. This blog, the people who comment, the friends I've made is what keeps me going, especially when real-life..3D life is too difficult to bear. I like the friends I've made and I don't want to lose the opportunity to make more such friends - I want this blog to exist on the Internet - in the world. I'm anonymous, true, and maybe tomorrow I wont be. There are people who read this - knowing who I am - and I'm living with it, so it's OK.

If some rare breed of inhumane person uses this against me, these entries, they can only threaten to tell my family. And as many issues as I have had, as broken as my family is and has made me, they will never throw me out to the sharks. They will never leave my side if only because I am their blood and they will not betray it to my detriment and an enemy's benefit. So I blog, I will continue to blog in the face of anything that comes my way. I am hurt, and I faltered, I am a nervous-wreck but I am stubborn as hell, I say I give up but I never do. There's so much more life to live, so yes whoever who wants to harm me - can not.

I feel so much better. After two days of utter turmoil within myself - to almost succumbing to the depression, I'm at peace. Obstacles teach you - I'm learning. And I'm not alone - right now, I feel and know, that I'm not alone. God bless all of those who are by my side. My mother, for one. We may never be able to communicate on the same frequency, but her simple support, means the world. I love her, and one day, with hope, we'll learn to be friends.

Staying

2009-03-16T11:02:00.002-04:00

I'm staying. Not restricting my blog. Crazy? Not so much. If I have to look over my shoulder in public in the city I grew up in, I refuse to look over my shoulder on the internet. I'll lose my mind.

So I'm staying. I'm not restricting this blog. Restricting past entries, yes. But I refuse to go into complete hiding. As far as anyone can physically hurt me, I am careful, but I wont wipe myself off the internet.

Today was a monumental day in the history of my country. The rule of law has finally been restored after two years. Hope, ladies and gentlemen, hope. I like how the hope of the nation kind of got me out of the lime light, if just for a day.

Anxiety

2009-03-14T05:19:00.004-04:00

Deciding whether it's just a chapter in the story of my life, or a central, forever flowing theme. The latter would be more appropriate. After all I have medical results to prove it. It came to it. It came to near-adversely effecting my health.

People only like to read happy stories, well, I don't have any for you right now. None, whatsoever.

Went to the physician today, after months of dizziness spells - I didn't want it effecting my exam prep especially since I am sitting constantly and studying. I honestly thought anxiety was just a part of the reason why I wasn't well, not the only reason. I thought that it was weakness caused by a horrible one month detox diet (for obese people) that I went on, which led to major malnutrition and the inevitable eating more, gaining more, but feeling weak dilemma for over a year.

It's plain, simple anxiety. The physician looked at me very queerly and asked, "But child (lol), what is it that you have been so tense and stressed about for so many years?". So many years? Gosh, I don't know. Maybe my life has been one big train wreck after the other. But I didn't say that. I said: 'Oh you know, exams and work and all, the usual'. At which point he said that I could seriously get sick, some anxiety-disorder if I didn't fix myself. With all due respect, HOW THE FUCK CAN I FIX MYSELF?! When I am sensitive to all that is around me, when I do tend to ponder deeper into things than the usual person, when I have fought for so many years and failed, how am I to fix myself?! After all that I have seen. I persevere, isn't that enough? I put up a brave face when I'd rather be breaking down and locking myself in my room to wallow for eternity, doesn't THAT count for anything?

Oh and for the family drama: My mother starts crying infront of the doctor and tells him that I have seen many hardships. Wow, mom, what you know is only the tip of the ice berg. Just when I get back up and try to be strong despite being anything but, something pulls me down. And unfortunately for me, it's myself: I have hurt myself finally.

While I was getting ready to go to the physician in the morning, my mother comes in my room and tells me my brother has been upset, working off the steam all night (that explains the sounds from the gym room last night), BECAUSE FB Stalker struck again. He sent my brother a few stills from the video. My mother has convinced herself that it isn't me, I havent spoken to my brother. My step-dad uncle hasn't talked to me in weeks and is out of the loop since I told him not to constantly demeen me and put me down, to not joke about my worthlessness, that it bothers me; he decided to stop talking completely, like a sane normal conversation isn't worth it with me. So be it. If he can not be civil and only demeen me, then I'd rather he not talk to me. My mother has her own issues, telling me I should have silently beared the insults because he and my brother get a kick out of it.

My brother is not tense for me. He is tense for the family reputation. He wants to live in this country and one day be something. He can be nothing if his sister is...a whore. On my way to the physician, I saw so many girls my age, and so many thoughts crossed my mind. So much led me to being in that car with that bastard. Desperation. Frustration. Faithlessness in God. I had given up on Him ever helping me out, and so I was punished. I never thought I, the one who is so careful, would be...one of those girls, the ones ruined infront of society. It's only a matter of time till I am. Then all my friends will leave me. The bastard knew who my father was, he did not target me, he targeted my father's name. I wish I could kill him, I wouldn't care about going to jail or even dying, I just wish he would die.

Life isn't easy, ladies and gentlemen. These are only the two most obvious troubles in my life, dulling, for the time being, all my past troubles.

My exam on the 20th of April is my only ticket out. I am still below average in Math. I work so hard, to the point of wanting God to just bloody take me. I know people have worse problems in life.

But I can't fix it. Those who persevere through hard times are not always strong. I'm not. I'm sick of fighting, my body can't take the tension and the pressure anymore. But I have no choice but to persevere. So I do. I live.

I wonder though, if 5 years from now, or 10...whether I'll be happy. Or if that's too much to ask, then just safe. Far away from here, from everyone I know, so I can just breathe. Away from all those who want to hurt me and ruin me. I have always been considerate of others, I have always felt for others..but there are such horrible people out there. They look so...decent, and God fearing, and then they hurt you. I'm so tired. I can't put my applications together, I'm falling apart. Sad thing is, noone helps those who fall, or even just falter. If there's one thing I've learned early on in life, it is this: You're alone. Especially in bad times. And God, well, God is aways there, watching. Well, hope he gets bored of watching this, and takes me out of this mess. Because only a miracle can.

Wow, so apparently my family is sitting and discussing me in the living room. Ofcourse. I am the worst thing that happened to them after all. I wouldn't blame them. If I was my father, I'd shoot me, if only to stop the ruin of the family name. My family doesn't deserve this. They need to live in this country, this can't happen to them.

This pressure, coupled with my bad Math, ensures that I will not get out of this hell hole of a country, with its sick corruption and violence.

So yes, anxiety is a way of life. How awesome is that. I'll have wrinkles by the time I'm 30.

I ought to go study now - without hope.

Blogging

2009-03-12T15:39:00.003-04:00

I last blogged on 5th March - what a day. To go back and not give the GMAT would be wonderful. But then, what's done is done.

I've been studying all day every day, more or less. There is a lot of ground to cover. When I'm not studying, I'm researching online, when I'm not doing that, I'm thinking about the GMAT. Overkill, much? Yes. But it's the pace I should have been going at. 590 on the GMAT bothers me immensely. I started this blog to chronicle my journey to get somewhere. That somewhere, can only happen when I work hard. It's my life after all, I have to make it.

I spent far too much time blogging. As much as it may be wrong to say, but if I had spent less time blogging and on blogging communities - as much fun and liberating as it all is - I might have done better, not reached my target, but I would have done my best. I didn't do my best. In fact, I spent all day, on and off, surfing, and going out, socializing. So I couldn't stop the necessary socializing, kudos to family pressure and obligations but I could have been doing basic math...addition, subtraction, division and multiplication. I could have at least achieved step one. I love this blog so much, I love my 'bloggy' friends. I don't understand how people can blog and network with work and exams.

I'm working hard now. I've bitten the skin off my fingers with anxiety (not pretty), but I am doing something. I'm not surfing. And I won't be - not for a month or two. It's a tough call, getting into a good grad school on two months notice, people invest at least a year in such matters, but no matter what the outcome I want to know I gave it my all. There will be next year too.

I declined my job offer. I called today. There is no way I can do what I'm doing while working full-time. There is also the issue of not doing well at work - and I can not let that mar my reputation career-wise. I've already put a major dent on my resume with the GMAT 590; even if I don't place it there, universities will see it.

People still think I'm crazy to give my GMAT with where I am. It will look bad - if I have given the GMAT twice and not achieved a good score. Also, I have decided to apply to one grad school.

I have wanted to blog about so many things but my eyes are sour - right now they literally sting because of constant staring at the screen and at books - and I am, most of the time so saturated that even the thought of the effort it would take to put thoughts into words makes me want to bury myself/shoot someone. Change of perspective is a long post, and my thoughts on love after watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona is one for this blog. All my darling novels are lying on my bedside, aching to be read.

Saw two movies, Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Confessions Of A Shopoholic (while I blog right now). Privileged is a wonderful series to watch while doing Math - it's chirpy and keeps my eye on the goal in a funny way.

I was supposed to go to another city for a friend's wedding with friends but the political law and order situation is so bad that my poor friend will be friend-less on her wedding. I feel horrible. I feel worse for feeling relieved as well! I'm a horrible friend, to feel relieved so I have a few more days to study. Horrible. Which is how centered I am on my goal. It's finally time to do things for myself. I've been a good friend my whole life, the types of things I've done for others, for the love of others - I am tired.

This one's for me.

Thankful and Determined, a Win Win

2009-03-05T13:38:00.003-05:00

All six hours of last night were lousy. I woke up contemplating not going to take the exam at all. But by the time I was ready, it was a wonderful feeling not to be frantically going through formulas or grammar rules, which is what I would have done had I been aiming to get a good score. Good. I was relaxed and I didn't have high hopes, just lot's of positivity. I'm sure that if I had taken all my exams with this attitude, my Bs would have been As and As would have been distinctions.

I am going to take the exam again. The score is not anything to boast about; with less than two weeks of prep I ought to have failed - which I didn't because if sheer luck. The first essay was on corporate responsibility and ethics, which I linked to the recession of course. Well done. The second was a critical essay on evaluation of products, again something I'm glad I studied back in the day. A 10 minute break (which I didn't think they'd give, but OK) and then......then the math section. I didn't get the first question, randomly guessed the answer and moved on. I didn't get the second either. It's English looked like gibberish. Got frustrated but maintained my cool. The camera over my head wasn't as bothersome as I expected it to be. I got a few logic questions right but after the 10th question out of 31, I kid you not, I blindly clicked answers. Blindly. I'd stop for a second or two once in a while to browse through a question but they were all alien to me. I missed 5. Another 10 minute break I didnt think they'd give me, awesome, I needed this one to get my head together. Munched down a Snickers bar (good energy) and went in for my favourite part of the exam - the English section. Got done 15 minutes before time. Which is when I had to decide to either cancel the score that I had not seen or see it and have it sent to the 5 schools of my choice. I seriously considered cancelling it - the math section had been more than terrible, but then I remembered reading on the internet that a cancelled previous score gives a bad image, shows confidence issues. I said what the heck, hell, I was curious as to how bad I'd do.

Got a 590. Shock. Followed by disappointment, followed by incredulity. I was not expecting a 500. Yes, in my heart of hearts I thought a miracle would occur and I'd see a 650. But really, 590 with zero skill in math was....not that bad. Embarrassing maybe, since universities are going to think I'm dull but it's not so bad. It's kind of annoying though, that it was a 590, not a 600...grad schools that ask for an average 650 go 50 points up r down, but not 60...

I've decided to reappear. This test was a wonderful opportunity to experience the test in testing environment. I found out about the two 10 minute breaks that would help me greatly. Also, I found out that I'm not so hopeless. With two weeks, I had in my mind given up on being able to grasp Math...but how far is a 690, or a 700 when I have 6 weeks and all this dedication? I think I can do this. I am not applying to a lesser grad school because of a lesser score. It's not so tough. Math can be learned. Thank God my English grammar is good, it would be so difficult to learn it and apply it to questions - I don't know rules of grammar, I just 'feel' that the correct formation would be this and I tick it. A strength. And my Math tutor seems to believe in me a little more, even though it was pure luck that got me the score.

I went and bought all the right books after the exam. I'm not going to get it wrong the second time round. My goal is B-School. And if it means sacrificing a few social events and general slacking, so be it.

I'm really tired right now even though I have so much to say. Thought I'd post the results as soon as possible though. They weren't so bad, but I need to remind myself that they do not give me a clear picture of how prepared I am - my prep is not a 590, it is infact a borderline 500 and I'm aiming insanely high - a 700. Oh well, what's there to lose..except everything, I'll give it my all.

Also, I need somewhere to rant about applications, essays, GMAT prep, work, work opportunities and somehow, all of it won't fit on this blog. This blog is about my feelings - not career. Sure, I talk about it but I need somewhere to be specific. I'm thinking of starting another blog, hectic, switching between two but this one is personal, it's close to the heart, that one I can use for 'official' stuff. What do you think? I doubt anyone wants to here excruciating details of GMAT strategies, text books reviews and the right diet for maximising learning and all 'that' jazz.

I'm happy though, and determined - determined out of my mind.

Six Hours To Embarrassment

2009-03-04T15:16:00.003-05:00

Well...seven to be exact. I am SO mad at myself for getting lazy.

Until this evening I hadn't even taken a single practice test. What on earth was I doing?! Letting laziness and life get in my way? A few weddings and social functions and I get derailed? With all that is at stake here. Shame on me.

I'm going to get into B-School. And not just any B-School. I'm going to brave the test tomorrow, I am going look at my sorry score to remember my idiocy. I want a 700/800 at least. So I fucked up now, but I can give it again, in a while, and this time I won't let myself fuck up and if I do, I don't deserve to make my life better.

I'm hardly scraping a 500 right now, and in 7 hours my score will fall lower than this - I've not used an ancient computer (the ones they use for the test in South Asia) in years, not to mention a PC keyboard. So as daunting as Math is, it's going to get worse. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I need someone to slap me. Really.

My application was/is looking good. The references were awesome. Until I place tomorrow's score on it. I started this blog with a determination to do something more - to rise above my predestined future, so to speak. One day Paris doesn't mean going on a family trip with a virtual leash around my neck (no, we can't go to the Louvre it's boring, you're boring OR stay with the family, why are you wandering off, you are a girl don't forget your place, this is all you'll ever be - living off a man and thus following his rules *shudder*) or with a husband I was arranged to marry, no way am I going to let myself go there like THAT. I'm going to be me...as I am, not as who they want me to be. Guess I'm all rhetoric and no play. There are so many people counting on me to fail, to fall and I'm going to do it for them. Over the GMAT. Bloody piece of cake with the right amount of studying.

I'm so scared my family won't pay for B-School next year as they would this year. The pressure and the unlikelihood of getting into B-School now is sadistic. Discussion doesn't work in the family. There are never any promises, businesses and finances being as uncertain as they are especially at this time. As soon as a good investment opportunity comes along, my family will deposit the 60k set aside for me *ka-ching*. And I'll...well, I won't give up. As pig-headed as that sounds.

I'm going to California in the summer. It'll be great for looking at more B-School options but what peeves me is the insane unexplainable gap in my resume. I have interned every summer since 12th grade and worked right out of college....and after a year...I have been too busy traveling and wasting money I could be saving for school..to have a huge unexplainable 4 month and counting gap on my resume. Argh. I want to kill somebody. Myself. I better STAY angry till my exam retake. I. Cannot. Get. Lazy. Again. Period.

I guess I've ranted enough. Now for some sleep, or restless insomnia - what ever humors life as I live it.

March

2009-03-02T04:01:00.002-05:00

My God, is time flying these days! Usually, when I'm not working/unemployed, time seems to drag but considering I have an exam on the 5th and grad school application deadlines the week after and THEN a two-week trip to the Middle-East, time is flying and I am NOT liking it!

Truth: I could have aced the GMAT. I lost focus. And my study hours went down from 6 hours a day to no hours a day to now, 3-ish hours a day. I haven't even cracked a book other than the basic Dummies Guide. I've been bad. I let pressure take over me. But really, I suspect I've always been this way, consistency is not my strong-point, working like a dog days close to the deadline is what I do. And I have seemed to get by.

Filling applications, especially U.S. applications is NOT fun. Neither is the 500 word limit. I'm not good at getting my point across concisely, but you all know that! I've bitten the skin around my nails raw. And now? Now I don't have time to nail bite, or fret without action.

So I'm hoping to disappear for the next one and a half weeks till I get my work done. I might blog to rant though, when things go awry, which they will. I don't have high hopes for my GMAT exam on the 5th, my quantitative skills are.....poor, at best. And the Language section, you'd think that it would be easy. It is. But on the essays there is a tight word-limit, again, slap me for not learning to write concisely and to the point, the grammar correction is easy BUT the critical reading section, I get every answer wrong. Because I can not for the life of me detect the main point of the paragraph given. Ever! I remember not being able to hit 95% on my SAT just because of the darned critical reading section.

What I'm saying is, I'm applying, but this damned GMAT is the only reason I might not get in. And I'm past being angry. I just hope I don't do so poorly, that the universities that receive the score think I'm retarded. Little do they know I just had three-weeks (which I didn't even use fully) to relearn something I haven't touched in 8 years. Note to self and advice to others: Never underestimate the importance of knowing basic Mathematics. Calculators are evil and make you stupid.

So I'm disappearing for a while. Hopefully. Have I said this before? I think I have...oh well. Toodles blog world, I love you!

Blogging, Books, Movies, Life and an Award

2009-02-26T09:32:00.016-05:00

My title sums up concisely all that I am going to talk about. I feel good! I mean, I'm in a more uplifted mood than otherwise.

BLOGGING - Blogging is becoming a full-time job. I spend more time in Blogworld than studying or doing all that I ought to be doing. It's so difficult to balance it out. I will continue, because I love to write my all out and my bloggy friends are wonderful. I love reading their blogs. But I can't help feeling bad when I write too much or too little - what I'm saying is, I don't want to think when I write..about an audience, I want to write away, and fellow bloggers, if posts get too long, don't feel obliged to read, really, I tend to write to no end. I'm going to try and limit my visits to blog world, from all day to maybe once a day. Hopefully. I need to do this!

Also, anonymity is tough. I realise after all my frankness on this blog that it would be pretty terrible to be found out, especially by the wrong person. I might delete or limit the frankness in some of my posts by the way, haven't decided yet. Also, felt terrible removing my picture from 2osb (I don't feel real anymore)...but it's all for the best, besides cartoon pictures seem fun-er. I wish I could find a cartoon picture similar to myself. Oh well. One day, I'm going to get a beautiful template designed with a cartoon me on it. My Macbook will be in it too. I love it beyond words.

LIFE - Totally forgot about Math class, got to go! (20 minutes later) Just came back. Of course classes were canceled. I should have known. I'm not going to go on about politics, but summarily, the country is in political crisis since yesterday, with PML-N supporters burning tries and cars in all city centers. Not unusual. And of course, Marriott in Islamabad caught fire again after the terrorist attack/bombing on 20th September 2008. The hotel had just recently reopened and now this. I grew up going swimming there, not to mention a million other memories. I shouldn't have been shocked after the terrorist bombing but after it being rebuilt according to all safety guidelines a repetition was unlikely. The place is now a fort! Not big on screaming but when I turned on the T.V. following a million SMSes I was shocked. Oh well...things have to get worse to get better, what with Talibanization now slowly seeping into Pakistan. What goes around, comes around. But I'm not down, I silently and calmly comprehend, past political decisions all add up to this. Wish we'd come to some sort of workable accord with India. And China is strangely out of the picture. And I doubt the US will let things get too out of control, with Pakistan being a nucleur state. So it's OK.

I tried to catch up with global current affairs before the Marriott fiasco, starting with Obama's speech before the joint session of Congress. I love listening to this man, so much more calming and dignified compared to Bush's speeches. I shudder at the memory of sitting through those! Also, lot's of significant legislation being drafted and passed world-wide. I am excited! I ought to make notes. I still rely on notes! Been looking into Digg, looks...convenient.

BOOKS - I'm happy today because I went book-shopping. Sucks that prices of original books rise when the British Pound rises against the battered Pakistani Rupee. So with the usual amount I'd take to buy two books, I bought one. It was a tough call, but then I can always get the other book later, when I'm done/ when I've devoured this: Burnt Shadows by Kamila Shamsie. I can't help buying originals. One day I'm going to have the most gorgeous library in the world and only those who know how to treat books with respect will be allowed in, the others can ogle through the doors. I HATE when people scribble/stain with water or food/batter books. There are also those who do worse and don't seem to feel the slightest bad about it, like it's normal to borrow a book in perfect condition and return it like a hundred people went through it carelessly. I also can not STAND people when they, in such a carefree manner, defile public property, write on walls and break things just for the hell of it. I have a friend, and God knows I love her, but I could NOT stand how she would write on the college walls, write on chairs and cushions and tear window-blinds, it irked me to the point of pulling my hair. Propriety, in such things is my sin.

I was not always the intellectually aware sort. My teenage years were spent as your normal run-of-the-mill shallow blindly-fashion-following dumbo. And if anything, I regret that terribly. In my years of learning I could have learn't so much more, read so much more and ultimately known so much more. I rarely followed current affairs, I was too absorbed in all that immediately surrounded me. Perhaps, if I had payed attention to other things I wouldn't be so effected by life as I am. It was not until I started taking English Literature and found myself having a knack for literature that I (re)started pursuing my passion for books. As a child my favourite author was and still is Enid Blyton. My children will read Enid Blyton, especially with this day and age, it is necessary for building positive and decent imagination. I could go on about the wishing-chair, oh how I dream't about it through my childhood years. Suddenly, in the teens it was no longer cool to read. There was your usual Sweet Valley Twins and in the late teens, Mills & Boon (I don't care to find out whether I spelt it wrong) crowd, but I was never much of a romance novel reader. Actually, I despise such novels. We already have enough wrong expectations out of life and our lovers, the last thing I need is to add more foder to love-life disaster. This is just my opinion, everyone is allowed to disagree. My favourite book of all time is Kartography by Kamila Shamsie. Perhaps I'll write about it in more detail in another post.

I'm going to place my favourite quotation(s) from books in the left panel. This first one is written by Kamila Shamsie in her novel 'Broken Verses', it's her definition of character - be warned, you'll fall in love with her prose.

MOVIES - I watched Slumdog Millionaire yesterday. Despite some people saying it was over-hyped and not a true depiction if life in India/South Asia, I have to say, it deserved the Oscars it received. I'm not a big fan of it's soundtrack and putting a 'heroine' in the story was the only part that could be said to be 'removed from reality', which by the way they had to, to make the story and capture a greater audience. The rest, sadly happens. All of it. It is a accurate, albeit harsh depiction of reality. We sit in our posh houses and big cars and do not realise how the homeless slumdogs live. Which is why I'd like to say that Amitabh Bachchan (famous Indian movie star) is being a tad ignorant in saying that the movie is far removed from reality and that that is not how the poorest of the poor live in India. All the things in the movie *spoiler alert*, from the orphanage turning children to beggars and disabling them with acid to crime gangs ruling the crowded streets of poorer areas are all true. Which does not mean that this is ALL you will see in South Asia, it isn't, perhaps a visitor won't even notice but the movie touched on many, many real aspects and it was high time this side of a part of Asia was brought into the limelight. Slum dwellers need their day of recognition too. And the story-line, creativity at it's best. I highly recommend watching it.

AWARD - I have thought long and much on who to bestow the Onward Award. Those who receive it will have inspired individuals to move society forward with positivity, perseverance, and an honest heart.

I am going to award this to someone who has inspired me to pull through in all my trials and tribulations yet. She inspires strength in those who need it. She is young and has shown courage and extra ordinary strength in the face of adversity - an inspiration in itself. Newbie Mommy, I believe you when you tell me I am not alone. And all this, makes you my hero.

The Onward Award goes to Newbie Mommy @ A Mother's A Musings.

*Big squishy hugs!* :) And congratulations!

All That Is On My Plate

2009-02-25T06:57:00.004-05:00

More than anything, I am glad right now to be sitting here with out my world having fallen apart. Another disaster avoided. I'm still not on You Tube. Not yet. But he will wait for when he thinks he is capable of ruining my life, like when I marry or when he comes across the right relatives to pass the video along to. It's only a matter of time really. But I've decided that it's only a matter of time till I leave this city, this country, any way. I say 'any way' because he is not the soul reason for my decision to leave. Did I mention he happens to be half-American? Well, he is.

All of you who have supported me with your comments and emails, thank you.

I'd also like to point out that I will not appreciate discussion of religion and my sins in relation to what I write on this blog. Do not discuss religion with me. I am an anonymous blogger and write with that state of mind. Let my anonymity be.

On to real-life. Since FB Stalker's threat, my mother has been insanely busy with lunches and dinners with friends, and of course I am dragged along. It is delightful talking to aunties, but I find it rather ironic talking to them about society these days and listening to them shun the evil in my generation while they have no idea what their children are up to. My heart breaks too, when they give examples of my decency in movement in society to their children - what do they know? Looks are so decieving. I feel I don't belong in the image every one has of me. I'm not ungrateful for this reputation, far from it, for my parents sake it's best that this image is upheld but I can no longer fake it. It's so tiring. This facade.

I have spent all of yesterday and most of today socialising with my mother and I am tired. I have applications to fill and my brain feels like mush (sinusitis and allergies and staring at this screen) and the feeling of dread/depression has left my body aching.

My exam is in less than two weeks and I doubt I'll pass it. It will be my first academic failure and I'm worried about the sort of light it will cast on me even though I will retake the exam. I derailed myself days before the return of FB Stalker and now my mind is petrified into mush - if that makes any sense. Today I thought I'd take the car out in the afternoon and by the time I reached my gate I didn't have the guts to go out alone. What if he saw me and found out I am in fact in Pakistan? No, that wouldn't do. I can not report him and telling my parents would mean I will never be sent to Grad School and then of course, no one from my culture will marry me. And I'd rather die/get raped than any of that happen. It is what it is, this society.

But more than ever, I will seriously consider writing a book some day. The evils of society and the dilemma of generation Y in South Asia needs to be addressed. I fear if what is going on under the radar continues, social structure will crumble. If only just a variation of my story. But it's going to take a few years for me to become objective in my writing. Right now there is too much of me in it. I aspire to write like Kamila Shamsie, a Pakistan author who has won many awards for her best selling novels in which she manages to depict an era/any era she has written about in Pakistani history with acute detail. Her new book 'Burnt Shadows' is out and I can not wait to get my hands on it!

My parents are planning another two week trip to a country in the Middle East and I am 'freaking out', for lack of a better term because I have too much to do - I cannot fit this trip into my schedule. Am I going to travel around with them or apply to Grad School? They decided to give me permission in the last round of entries any way, which makes it all the more tough. My gosh, the pressure.

I am way behind on my reading. I don't know what's going on any where. I haven't kept up with current affairs in two weeks and I'm feeling like an idiot. My admissions essay drafts are still blank word documents I stare at every so often.

The amount of weddings coming up adds more pressure. Got to get new clothes made and believe me it's not fun or easy - from buying the right material to getting it dyed the right shades to getting the right embroidery/work done on it to get it stitched just right - not easy. I have to spend a week in another city where my friend of 12 years is getting married. And then a month after in another city for a few days. Gosh. Dance rehearsals are not fun this time around, being unfit, I hurt! But this is the time and it will not come back, so I will make the most with my friends, after all we won't ever see each other in 'single-ness' again. And maybe I could hide in the bathroom and study, lol, but I doubt I'll do that. So...one week of nothing but girly-fun. Yay, actually.

The Passionate Bookworm over at Dancing Through Life With The Passionate Bookworm has recently awarded me with the Onward Award which I have placed in the side bar. Those who receive it will have inspired individuals to move society forward with positivity, perseverance, and an honest heart.

I am most honoured to have received this award. So much so that I don't know what to write to show my appreciation. Words fail me. Especially with what she has written about me in bestowing this award, "Pink Loves Paris - She is a person who has experienced very difficult things at a very young age and still continues to press forward. I know she has the strength to overcome the obstacles she faces".

Thank you Passionate Bookworm and all my readers. And thank you to Nick (the originator of this award), for your comments and congratulations on my previous post.

I ought to take a break now - watch Lipstick Jungle, actually no, I ought to watch Slumdog Millionaire, still haven't seen it, eat fatty food and then take a nap. God knows, spring allergies and PMS combined with current issues are taking a toll on me.

Thunder Storms

2009-02-23T13:45:00.002-05:00

I always thought that God expresses his anger in thunder storms - the louder the thunder, the angrier God would be atme. I always took loud thunder to be an omen. The night my father died was similar to tonight. The thunder is so loud tonight. And rightly so. Some thing is going to happen. Some thing bad.

I was not happy with life till a few hours ago, my sob-stories would just not stop. PMSing is the least of my worries tonight. Tonight I feel guilty for not being happy with the little happiness I had. Tonight I will sit on You Tube and search my name...until a video with my name as it's title is found. I will keep my phone on till then, waiting for a miracle to call me and make it go away. I talk about my family's respect often, about how it, to me, is supreme. Tonight it might just fall. Our friendly neighbourhood Facebook stalker has caught up with me and apparently he's not over me. He called my mother a few hours ago and told her that she has no choice but to marry me to him because he has raped me, and because he has the video and a million other incriminating photos of the day I met him. His FB photo is a photo of my jaw in his hand. You can tell how hard he must have held it. It feels just like yesterday, all that happened. He just isn't going away!

He knew I was abroad, he knew when I was coming back. I changed my number but he had my mother's. She doesn't know that I met him, my family doesn't know. They just know he was a psycho I chatted with on FB. I don't know what they would do if they knew that I actually met him. And got physically abused. They'd....disown me for ruining the family name. Another loud clap of thunder. I was studying, actually putting a little hope into myself for getting my applications done in this week and actually scoring well on my admissions test. But when this happened, I felt my lungs collapse for 2 seconds. I don't break down right away, but I had to lock myself in my room, I had to scream and cry and fall to the floor and beg God to stop. Just stop. And help. To make this sick man go away.

My parents won't marry me to him if they see the video of my abuse at his hands but they will lock me up and throw away the key. No grad school, no work, no marriage. He emailed me the video, it was sick. It was pathetic how I was begging him to let me go. I don't know what else to write.

I just know that I'm sorry if I ever sinned and if God's taking revenge on me or something. I'm not the saintli-est of people but I don't think I deserve this, but God seems to think so. So be it. He can have a field day with me, and then send me to hell for the million other sins I'll commit. I know worse things happen to people but right now this is me, and it's the worst thing in the world, all that is happening to me. Especially when I'm not getting into Grad School this year. I'm stuck in this city with a stalker and a billion narrow-minded people who will ruin me at the sight of that video. Who will tear me down to the point that I beg God to take me, even if it's to hell. I need to leave this place. I need to leave. I can't be here another 12 months. I can not.

Friend just called. I had a perfectly normal conversation with him...so I guess I'm not falling apart as badly as I thought I was. Wow @ myself. The trick is...stay in my room. The world doesn't exist..for now. I haven't really faced my parents. So I guess I could stay in my little hole and possibly study. Possibly.

Maybe some thing bad won't happen. Maybe. I really hope it doesn't.

Blog Friends And Awards, In That Order

2009-02-23T05:27:00.008-05:00

I'm going to start by promising myself two chapters of study - my procrastination is getting ridiculous.

I mentioned before how I love my bloggy friends, and how I could not be more glad to have started this blog. Suddenly, things are easier to deal with but more than that, it's the feeling of reaching out and being heard - completely. As I sit here in my living room, overlooking all the activity that takes place in my house, I remember how I'd feel alone and the bottled up emotions would claw at me uncomfortably until I was left with a bad sense of being all alone. How times change, and we come to the point where actual human connection is harder than if it's through technology. How odd it is, that we, our generation, express ourselves more easily and more thoroughly through technology. It's always easier to be yourself under the veil of anonymity but it wasn't always easy to do that in the past. And here I am, on this blog, more myself than I've ever been, with friends who know me for who I am.

It's the little things. My previous blog post was...well, let's just say I threw my all out...and for a few moments felt awkward about it, felt naked almost..in strobe lights. Until everyone's comments. I am at a loss for words. I didn't think anyone would read even a fraction of my post and yet you all, all of you wonderful people took the time and commented with your kind words. Those words, are enough to make my day and a lot more. To just know that I have been heard is comforting. I love you guys, thank you so much. And to read about your lives and every one's wonderful and unique perspectives, to be able to look into a chapter of another's life and be able to take inpiration, knowledge, strength and positivity is gratifying.

I'm going to apologise before hand, I might not be fulfilling my bloggy friend duties in the coming two or three weeks because of my long-shot application deadlines coming and me having to collect references, write millions of essays and all that jazz. But your blogs are addictive, I don't think I'm going to let myself completely out of the loop!

On to the blog award - the one I saw my blog's name under on my 20sb friend Passionate Bookworm's blog. I temporarily felt selectively blind, lol, I thought I was reading too much of my own blog, thus the seeing my blog title everywhere. It was funny really. But no, I got my first blog award and it feels so gratifying! Thank you so much Passionate Bookworm :). It's the Arte Y Pico Award (Creative Blog Award).

I think I'm supposed to pass this on accordingly, to the blog based on creativity, more that anything, so based on that, the award goes to:

Nashe @ Where Did All The Pecans Go?
Crowscious @ Crowsciousness
Cheryl @ Confessions Of A Twenty Something Year Old

It would be more fun to give reasons but I guess, it's pretty evident, the creativity on their blogs speaks for itself!

I got my first three blog badges too, from Crowscious and Miss A. Thank you, I do feel fulfilled in a little bigger than tiny and considerably significant way :)

The Honesty Scrap badge. The Friend badge. And the Lemonade badge.

I have to pass these along so here goes, in no particular order:
Professor Duke @ The Koala Blog
Miss A @ Peek Into The World Of Miss A (Right back at you!)
Nashe @ Where Did All The Pecans Go?
Cheryl @ Confessions Of A Twenty Something Year Old
Crowscious (can't I give them back?) @ Crowsciousness
JB @ It's Gonna Take More Than A Hamburger To Make Me Happy!
Newbie Mommy @ A Mother's A Musings

Have fun you guys!

P.S. I hate being put in a position to choose some one or some people out of a bunch of people, truth is, I love you all, bloggy award or not, I'm ridiculous at praise and 'selectively' passing it on, so having said this, I love all my readers, all of you, make my day.

P.S.S. Blogger buddies sounds better but some how I can't not say 'Bloggy Friends'!

Thunder

2009-02-20T03:29:00.005-05:00

I wonder why people say on their profiles that they like 'thunderstorms'. Is it a fetish thing? I ought to ask somebody..

The morning came three hours earlier than it should have. I was awoken by the loudest bang of thunder I've heard in years, the glass in my windows vibrated erratically against the sound. My reaction: I jumped out of bed, not up in bed but feet out, literally. I have an uncanny ability to do so. The 2005 earthquake that hit Pakistan, it was 9 a.m. and of course, I was asleep...but the jump, my jump...I was at the door in less than a second, and I wasn't even awake yet. It's not the fact that it's an earthquake that scares me, not even that the roof could fall on my head and crush me to death or worse, to disability; it's that there's something supernatural in my room. My first thought when something falls down in my room or the ground moves is that something is coming to get me. I'm scared out of my mind of ghosts. Also, I'm scared of becoming schizophrenic. Life has made me pretty paranoid. But really, I'm tired of keeping my guard up all the time, it's borderline pathetic.

Confession: I accomplished more yesterday than I did in 5 days. I cleaned up my room, finally put away my U.S. shopping and made space to sit and write inspirational essays in an open space. I even made the outlines for my essays. Just, now the task of putting them together is daunting. I hadn't touched my books in any of those 5 days, I didn't write admissions essay drafts, I didn't research. I couldn't. My nerves were all over the place. My sleep pattern was a mess, delayed jet-lag, if you will. I thought my mom was drugging me, out of fear that her daughter might revert to being clinically depressed. If anything, I will NEVER go there again. Life is too short to waste on...your heart falling to pieces in a constant keep breaking pattern and you feeling the physical pain of it every breathing second *shudders at thought*. If only people could know what clinical depression feels like, they'd put it on their list of biggest fears. So yes, never, going, back. And mother did give me something for the nerves, it was strong and my mind was mush for two days. MUSH. She forgets that where a normal person would have one aspirin, I could do with half.

I was doing some bedtime reading last night and came across a real-life acquaintance's blog. She's a few years older than me and is single. She had mentioned how she woke up one morning and felt heart-breakingly lonely when she looked at the empty space on her side. Got me thinking for a bit. And for once, I'd like to say, I don't feel lonely. Yet. I remember I once did..don't we all? But that was when my goals in life were non-existent/had been crushed and I had all the time in the world to think about my 'person'. Not husband, not boyfriend, not I-wish-he-was-my-someone, but my person. I would be hitting rock-bottom in depression, skinny to the point of being sick, in a darkly lit room - my preferred choice of lighting back then, and sitting in the corner, with the whole room...whole empty space staring back at me, mocking me. The hollow, the emptiness. Knowing I have everyone yet noone to be here, to stop me from pushing myself into the corner and just holding me for the sake of human connection. Dismal times. Needy, that's the last thing I'll ever be. To be there for someone feels better than for someone being there for you (not a well thought out point, but for now, it ought to suffice).

I don't feel lonely. Maybe I owe it to this blog and the people I met through it. Maybe because I have hope, a goal. Maybe because in my heart of hearts I know I'll be OK, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that one day, I'll be able to positively effect someone or the other's life/lives. Loneliness is the human condition. It comes off and on. One can be with their soul-mate and feel lonely at times. So yes, I don't feel lonelier than I have to. And I'm grateful for that. Today, I am grateful for not feeling lonely.

P.S. My teddy bear helps loads too, him and I go way back, I've been hugging him to sleep for over 20 years now, and he's alive. Love him. When I was a child I'd stare at him for hours hoping he'd talk, and once, I could swear..I saw heaven in his eyes. I'd put his picture up but it would be as good as putting mine up (that's not to say that we look similar, just, everyone I personally know, knows him too) and that would jeopardise the anonymity of my person. Legal language, can't help myself.

P.S.S. Twittering is fun, addictive and useless to the highest degree.

Model Village and Other Things

2009-02-17T22:31:00.007-05:00

No bitching today. Or whining about my life. No drama.

I love mornings, I don't know why I was ever wasted half my life being nocturnal. You can't be unhappy in natural light. Went out with friends for lunch yesterday. Three out of four are engaged and getting married in the next few months, each with their unique set of circumstances. But I'm happy for them, all arranged marriages and all seeming to have learned to compromise and be happy. Of course, getting there will take me at least 2 to 3 years. But it was good, went up to the mountains at this new model village the city council has been working on. Absolutely beautiful. Not even the fact that I was once skinnier than all three of these girls and now it's vice versa could bring me down! I didn't mention my fourth friend. Yes, she, she's the best friend who for blogging purposes I'll refer to as Poison Ivy. She's pretty down about not having found someone to marry. And I could easily have been her, thank God I am not, like I don't have enough issues on my plate!

Speaking of issues, I had a melt down after this lunch yesterday. At home. My mother sat me down and told me that she will not push me to do what I am not ready for i.e. marriage. No matter what the pressure from society. Of course, me pointing out my age helped and the fact that I'm younger than the majority of girls in my circle. I'm cautiously impressed by the things she said. She told me that she knows it's tough to get into a good school having decided to apply at this time and with such little preparation and that she wouldn't put me down if I didnt get into my top 3 schools. AND that I could apply next year considering I have two choices of jobs to strengthen my resume in the next one year. I'm pleasantly shocked, for lack of a better term. She outdid herself. Maybe she isn't such a momzilla. Maybe I expect the worst so much that now I only see the worst. But then, I shouldn't get my panties in a bunch about this (wrong term, hm) because she could do a flip on me. Could. But let's not go there; not on this sunny early morning.

And what's amazing is that this place is only 15 minutes from where I live. And has 4 very classy cafes to choose from. And they have Wi-Fi. And I think that's a big deal considering there hardly any cellphone reception. The 'Ands' were purposeful.

P.S. I was just thinking, if any one who knew me solely based this blog were to talk about me on their blog, they'd name me 'Never Happy'. I shall try to rectify that and write entries about silly things. I was thinking I'd do a post about Pink/Orange/Purple things I own...which ever I can find more of. Or maybe about 5 of my favourite possessions.

P.S.S. I hate American spelling. I will always say 'favourite' as opposed to 'favorite', 'neighbour' as opposed to 'neighbor', 'realise' as opposed to 'realize' and so on. I don't understand why Canada also follows the American dictionary...I thought they were more towards following the English dictionary. I need to go find out why.

Crash And Burn Girl

2009-02-16T14:29:00.015-05:00

There has never been and never will be a more appropriate title to any post of mine, as is this one. I refer to the song Crash And Burn Girl by Robyn. There is no better beginning to this entry than when in Gossip Girl, Blair wakes up after having dreamed a steamy dream of Chuck Bass and herself only to realize, real life, is not even close to getting there. I may not have dreamed a steamy dream (can't decide who to dream about), but I sure as hell got out of bed feeling like Blair.

The past one week has been an emotional roller coaster ride. Seems my life since I started this blog has been a Bollywood movie that gets stuck at the climax and keeps repeating itself. I kid myself not. I happen to be crashing and burning while I type away. I need to put this into points, save you all the torture of yet another crazy entry.

Three things, oh, that's just great, just got an email....four things, now:

- I have less than two weeks to prepare for a test I'm supposed to get 700/800 in. It's the only way I get into Grad School. It's the only way I get out of here. The first half of the week involved panicking around midnight, to the point that my hands would shake when I'd be underlining the prep books while studying. I'd crash, every night. And eventually I couldn't understand simple English. Mid-week, a friend and my mother tell me to get a grip on myself. I do, and I realize I'm insane to think I'll get more than 500 in this much time - truth hurts. OK, fair enough...I could retake the test after a month or so, only I'll only have one university, the deadline of which would not have passed. Nice. Very nice.

- DISTRACTIONS. MEN. Aussie-accent Dutch guy called today. Did I mention he was a perfect gentleman with immaculate rhetoric - my greatest weakness when it comes to men? Well, now I am. And since my emotions have been so all over the place with all that's happening, I'm vulnerable. And he called. All the way from a Saudi country from where calling costs a pair a Coach bag per hour. But he's married. Which is what I said and hung up. All he wants is to see me in March when he finds an excuse to come here for work. It can't be sex he wants, he's getting that from his hot wife any way, and he knows I wouldn't go there. This is what he Facebook messages me:

Subject: We still love eachother

There is a life that separates us but we both know this.

If you are so hurt and angry then simply say the word and I won't come to you in XXXX.

It is your decision.

WHAT THE FUCK. REALLY! Why is God throwing men at me, who I can't find mistakes in?! Who I want. If only just to sleep with him. See, now I'm becoming morally corrupt. I think I'll have dinner with him and his team...not alone, I think..I don't know. He's married. Wtf?!

And here's the punchline: He isn't the only man distracting me.

I have essays to write...I cannot put a coherent sentence together, recommendations to get written by ex bosses in Uganda, transcripts to put together, an application to make, a life to make and I AM BEING DISTRACTED BY MEN. Fuck me.

- Valentine's Day was pleasant surprisingly. Got a surprise phone call from a very old friend. And a new friend. That pretty much was enough to make my day..it's the simple things, I know...even though I crashed and burned at night before going for a dinner I was expected at with friends. I've had better Valentine's Days..the really cheesy and really perfect ones...with lot's of chocolate and presents and candlelight dinner and balloons being flown into the air in my honour while all the girls looked at me in envy - good times, wish I really liked that guy/ wish he had a brain of his own to make his own money or at least converse with me (I'm a bitch). So OK, Valentine's this year was subtle and very grown up of me.

The Universe wrote me an email on Valentine's that got me thinking. It says some pretty crazy shit sometimes but then it says things like this, and I wonder if the Universe is stalking me.

When you begin to find love, in people and places where you haven't found it before, it's always because you've grown.

You so rock,
The Universe

Also, I'm making a fool out of myself in front of someone I don't want to be making a fool out of myself in front of. But I guess the cat's out of the bag, crazy does what crazy is......no wait, crazy is what crazy does.

- I just got a kick-ass job offer. Well, impliedly. But I know where it's going. See, I let go of a job that was waiting for me in Pakistan to study to get into Grad School. It was going to pay me half of what I got paid on my first one year job but the learning would have been amazing. I don't want to stay in Pakistan, I obviously declined. NOW, today, I get a job offer....from a man I respect as the most formidable boss I've ever had, I interned at his company one summer. It's a Contracts Analyst job, managerial position and if there is any job I have loved with all my heart it is this. Unfortunately when I was referred for this position at the age of 21, they didn't hire me; I was competing against 40 year old veterans, cut me a break, I'm fast but obviously lack experience. I'm 22 now and my boss from this oil company called me today asking me to have lunch with him to seriously discuss my career. I'm 22, I love the work he's offering, who on earth becomes a Manager at twenty freaking two?! But I don't want to be in Pakistan. I'm already messed up in this culture and my family as it is. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. Should I let the offer hang while I hear from universities? Or would Grad School be fatal to this chance at major career development?

And I'm going to be lame and say, if I stay in Pakistan, mark my words, I'll end up in an arranged marriage within one year and I won't know what hit me..until maybe when he's doing me. And my brain will disintegrate. AND I'M SCARED OF THAT.

Just your average crashing and burning.....

Best case scenario: I'm 22. I should go for the job. Get valuable one year work-experience and then apply to an Ivy League with a stronger application and better sense of purpose, that way I start Grad School at 23 and am done by 25, which is still better than your average. IF ONLY MOMMY AGREES TO STOP FINDING A SUITABLE MATE FOR ME, THIS PLAN WOULD BE FLAWLESS.

Sheesh.

25 Things Most People Will Never Know About Me

2009-02-10T16:31:00.006-05:00

I was tagged to do this useless exercise on Facebook and all the things I could think up were those I would probably not want my personal acquaintances to know.

So here I am, in all the audacity that anonymity holds..well close enough.

1. I’m cleverer than I let on, but I tend to believe otherwise when I’m told. Publicly, I make a conscious effort to not say or ask something that might be considered intellectual or inappropriate for a girl to say. But for the longest time I was made to believe I was mentally slow and very immature. Despite my grades.

2. I’m scared out of my mind of raising children. What if I raise them wrong? What if I mess up and they turn out like me? But I still want to have children one day when I’m..stable, something I’ll never confess to any one in my life; no idea why.

3. I can drive. Really drive. And despite safety issues, I prefer stick-shift to automatic, what’s the point of driving when you can’t feel like you’re driving? In the past I’ve had to fake driving like a jittery idiot because men can’t handle a woman who drives better than they do. But there are a few rare ones out there, who think it's sexy. I hate driving in North America though. Hate.

4. I actually think I’m pretty; not your conventional type; but pretty nonetheless. And attractive, the type that makes you notice once and then look again. And all that jazz. Mostly only men seem to think so though. I don’t like how some girls and women I know try to put me down thinking I’ll actually start thinking otherwise. It hurts when they do that. Especially when I don’t walk around with an inflated ego.

5. I can hear the T.V. when it’s off. Seriously, I have to pull the plug out to sleep. At first I thought I was crazy because the sound drives me crazy. It’s a continuous shrill sound. No one else can hear it. Which is when I went to a doctor and he told me I can hear frequencies that not every one can hear. Which makes me a freak. I wonder if I can hear a dog whistle. Which is ridiculous, because I’m not a dog.

6. I can dance just about any kind of dance. And I’m good. I haven’t learned all the types but I catch on pretty fast. I’m especially good at Indian and who isn’t good at club dancing, although I haven’t partied like that in a while..

7. I love to read, and just know. I have to know everything that goes on in the world. It bothers me immensely how I can’t know everything. CNN, BBC, New York Times, Time, News Week, Reader’s Digest, you name it. But I have horrible memory and knowledge tends to slip. I hate that.

8. I think about things a lot, and not just in general, but quite deeply. And that’s an understatement.

9. I really want to write a novel about my life. Not being a narcissist, but I actually think it’s a little out of the ordinary, but then whose life isn’t? Three things stop me: my writing capability, having to relive traumatic phases of my life and not knowing the ending.

10. I notice little things about people. About how they talk, what they talk about and why they talk about anything, or when they shift from one foot to the other too much or fiddle or do little unnoticeable things. I tend to read between the lines, always. It’s annoying, this psychoanalysis, but it seems to be programmed in me, 9 times out of 10 I can tell what’s going on in a person’s mind, I can tell where there are glitches and what they are. When I like someone, this internal radar shuts off completely - big flaw.

11. I cannot be a bitch to someone to save my life. I can't be mean. I have no idea why most people who meet me think I have attitude because I don’t. I make friends in seconds and get along with every one, even the freaks which is something I don’t like about myself, especially when the freak starts stalking me.

12. I once saved a handicapped girl from getting raped by a serial rapist. And I feel like anything but a hero. I was volunteering at a children's hospital after an earthquake hit the country in 2005 and there were rumours that some of the female child patients were being sexually abused. I was 18 at the time and caught the surgeon red-handed, and was threatened to keep my mouth shut. I didn’t, I went to the Board. He was put on probation, only. He found me alone somewhere and almost choked me to death had there not been an after shock of the earthquake right then and everyone had to get out of the building. Which is when my faith in God became unbreakable, if it already wasn’t. Long story short, I then made sure that the man could never work at a hospital or enter a city again. Bastard, I still have light marks left on my neck. My parents made me feel like shit, they would rather I had turned my face and made sure that what the surgeon or I did was not publicized. Good thing, I guess, my city loves a scandal, and they would have found some thing scandalous to say about me with this whole business. And I’m such a sad creature, I sometimes feel bad for the guy (I know, why the hell?!) and shudder at the thought that there is a man out there who hates me and has nothing to lose.

13. I met a guy on Facebook and fell for him before knowing who he was. Big mistake. Bigger stupidity. He seemed like a normal guy, just that he wasn’t part of my social circle, which I thought, was great - sick of brainless drunkards born into wealth and the wannabes who try too hard. What I didn’t know was that he had an unhealthy obsession with me and had been stalking me for a while. He knew everywhere I went, and who I met. I have no idea where he saw me in the first place. He had videos of me out with friends or walking to my car. He said he’d edit my pictures and videos and post them on YouTube, I believed him. I couldn’t ask anyone for help, he said he would call my parents and say things about me that I would never have done but my parents would believe otherwise. This was during the year that I was recovering from clinical depression. And my parents weren’t exactly there for me. I wanted to die (without drama) and couldn’t go any where without constantly looking over my shoulder. He’d message me when ever I was out and say sick things he’d like to do to me, like make me bleed and then play-rape me (play rape or rape?!) IF I didn’t marry him. I first tried to bribe him with all the money I could get together, and I almost went ahead with getting him the money when I realized he wouldn’t stop at money, he’s obsessed with ME. I finally decided to play him at his own game. Found out his mother lived alone. I told him being my dad’s daughter I could get things done to her – which was a lie, I could never have been able to. I had to be quite sick and imaginative, but he finally fell for it. He’s still out there, and I’m still scared. He had perfect English, and I thought he seemed quite educated, I was fooled. He once confessed he’d have Wikipedia open when talking to me – flattering or pathetic, I can’t decide. Never again have I talked to anyone online who I don’t know as a real person with an actual life. All this happened in 2008.

14. I have more friends than I can count. Just that, I know better. We party together, we say we love each other, we paint the town red. But we’re not friends, all of us, we’re just accessories to one another to be a part of the social scene. There are a few odd ones out too though, but I try not to depend too much, can’t bear betrayal or being used.

15. My biggest fear is marrying a man who doesn’t love me, who wants me or is with me for other reasons. Also, sleeping with a man who I don’t love and he doesn’t love me. Biggest fear. Which cancels out the arranged marriage option. I'm also scared that one day this fear will be replaced by the fear of ending up alone.

16. I once burnt my room down. On purpose. And I don’t regret it or consider it a stupid thing to have done. It was the best thing I could have done at the time. I needed psychological help, even though I wasn’t suicidal, I would involuntarily stop breathing when I’d think of stressful things and this would happen when I was alone – no one believed me and only made it worse. I didn’t want to die alone in my room. The constant condescending just wouldn’t end. So one day I sat in my room and thought the last thing I need is a black room: black carpet, black curtains, black furniture, BLACK. And so I lit my curtain on fire. It was only when the flames almost surrounded me that I realized I ought to get out. Outcome: My family agreed to get me help, and acknowledged some of what they were doing, just acknowledged; they still continue to condescend. The shrink said it was the best thing I did, burning the room (lol). I was a bad stress manager, I’d bottle things up and talk to no one, I vent now, as you can see. And now my room’s pink and green. Bright.

17. I faint at the sight of a syringe. I don’t mind getting an injection as long as I don’t see it. If I see it, I become dizzy and faint, regardless of whether I’m about to get injected or if it’s just lying there.

18. Also, I faint at the sight of an open body. And blood, lots of blood. I can’t help it. It just happens.If you ask me why, this blog will become PG-21 in a gore-y way.

19. I have enemies. I haven’t hurt a fly but I have enemies. Those who would go to any length to tear me down or hurt me. I don’t know why. Even other than psycho surgeon or obese Facebook guy. Maybe everyone has enemies or maybe just the way my life transpired. Or maybe it’s this culture, this city: manipulative.

I can’t think of more things to say….

20. I don’t know if this is out of the ordinary but I own more lingerie than clothes despite having no sex life. This bothers my mother immensely, obviously and she doesn’t fail to tell me that lingerie doesn’t matter to men. Sure mom, a woman looking incredibly sexy doesn’t matter to men. And hey, I just feel sexier wearing it rather than boring Hanes. When I was 17, I dreamed of running away and becoming a V.S. model (right, lol). But that was when I was stick thin.

21. Fighting depression, the fear/possibility of living the life my mother thinks is best for me, is my constant curse.

22. I’m allergic to just about everything. Stress makes it worse. When I'm happy, miraculously my allergies become less severe to non-existent. Dust, strong smells, Tommy Girl (I get a migraine with that one before I can even register the smell), heat. And I get migraines during times of stress, which means constantly. Funny, I’m not allergic to V.S. stuff at all. And Gio by Armani among a few select others. And no, I don’t stop breathing; I just get tiny itchy red spots all over and get achy and irritable. Very irritable.

23. I’ve used the same scent my whole life. It’s the sexiest, most irresistible cologne known to man (men), they all agree. Well, at least every man I’ve come across. Even the ones that don’t like me like that agree that I smell very, very irresistible. Girls can email me and ask, I don’t like the world knowing my sexy secret, lol.

24. I have a bad habit of shopping. I’m sure all women do but I’m one of the out-of-control types. I’m working on fixing this about myself. This year’s shopping trip was better. Quality over quantity always works best. And there’s better things to do with money than mindless shopping, like get a life.

25. I have many, many flaws. Naivety and gullibility, ultimately immaturity. Sensitive physically and emotionally. I take things to heart easily. I can’t fix all my problems in life even while knowing what they are and why they are. But I guess what’s important is I can realize and diagnose.

Despite all of the above I seem to have managed an excellent reputation, some thing I would kill to uphold, and people who know this about me, don’t make it easy. But somehow, I’m beginning to finally not care. Finally.